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Her Owner - BDSM Lifestyle Mastery
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Fragile
Posted: January 5th, 2010, 12:25pm CET by Master
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photo credit: Thales This musing is partly triggered by an article my slave recently posted on her web-site. She briefly touched on a topic which is dear to my heart and something I have asked myself often. I do not believe that my slave is a fragile individual. I know that she has battled with [...]
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Scream Bitch!
Posted: December 30th, 2009, 1:09pm CET by Master
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photo credit: hansvandenberg30 Greetings readers as I invite you to read something that you usually are deprived off. My feelings towards a certain topic and a description of what has occurred in this household. I hope that this more personal point of view will unveal some of the personal struggle left with me, as I believe [...]
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BDSM Training School
Posted: December 25th, 2009, 11:33am CET by Master
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Having studied the offering from kink.com for a while now I was most intrigued to see that the expanded some of their concepts to what they call the upper floor. Every since I can remember I wanted to be in a position where I could offer a slave school to those interested. The idea is [...]Rating: 7.0/7 (1 vote cast)
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A Very Kinky Christmas To All Of our Readers
Posted: December 24th, 2009, 4:58pm CET by Master
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We would like to wish all of our readers a very happy Christmas and an exceptionally kinky new year. This has been a tremendous year for my slave and myself and as the new year approaches I am sure that I will be spending some time to understand how my life has changed. All [...]
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The Dawn of Video?
Posted: December 22nd, 2009, 2:08pm CET by Master
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photo credit: lust4lthr I always knew that my slave is a voyeur at heart. I never realised that this desire would go as far as allowing me to film her just so that she could watch herself after the act completed. I like the idea of sharing my slave with the world I am proud of [...]Rating: 6.0/7 (1 vote cast)
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Satisfy Your Curiosity While Being Anonymous
Posted: December 16th, 2009, 11:17am CET by Master
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photo credit: Margaret Anne Clarke Learning about a topic that many consider to be a taboo can be very hard. I had previously tried to make asking us questions easier for those who are interested in the lifestyle. That was not very successful so I am giving it another try. From now on you can ask me [...]
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Honey I Am Home
Posted: December 15th, 2009, 12:07pm CET by Master
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photo credit: alh1 I have returned from a trip. While said trip was too short lived to explain my silence it does give me an opportunity to break that silence. My life has felt very “sorted” lately and I enjoy that feeling of content. I went away over the weekend to see my Grandmother. She celebrated [...]
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Two Horny Cocksuckers — Unexpected Pleasure(s)
Posted: November 24th, 2009, 8:16pm CET by Master
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This weekend is best described in a word coined by Canadian comedian Russel Peters when he aims to describe how his heritage expresses pleasure at something that has happened, this weekend was “faaaantaaaastic”. We had planned on going to the Everything To Do With Sex Show 2009 for a while and as the date creped [...]
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Gaining By Loosing
Posted: November 19th, 2009, 12:44pm CET by Master
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photo credit: charles chan * To understand the gist of this post I highly recommend to you acquire the necessary context by reading kaja’s writings and my slave’s writings before you continue. It was foolish to think that I would be able to control the development of the relationship we were going to have with our [...]
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Did You Enjoy That?
Posted: November 2nd, 2009, 11:18am CET by Master
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photo credit: milena mihaylova I have never been opposed to watching others perform sexual acts. In fact I enjoy the human form enough to appreciate the raw energy and eroticism in it. Even pornographic displays can have their own allure.There might not be much of an artistic streak to them, but some exhibit a very [...]
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Learning A New Language
Posted: October 26th, 2009, 11:49am CET by Master
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photo credit: Ollie Crafoord Discovering yourself is like learning a new language to me. You start to gradually understand what the strange sounds coming out of someone’s mouth actually mean. You decipher meaning and as you learn to make that distinction between mere sounds and the actual value they carry you get closer to an [...]
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Asscunt Gaping — Revisited Again
Posted: October 23rd, 2009, 11:25am CEST by Master
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My regular readers might recognise the picture shown in this article. The rectal dilator kit has been a trusted companion in the training of my slave’s asscunt. When we visited Northbound Leather with kaja, I chose to buy a kit for her as well along with her “ninja mask”. I enjoy playing and using a well [...]
Slave musings
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Do you believe in Satan?
Posted: January 7th, 2010, 3:13pm CET by His Only
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“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” ~ The Usual Suspects Have you ever danced with the devil? Have you ever felt his heated flesh ignite your very own? Or felt the slight embers of his caress when his fingers entwined with yours? Have you ever felt the slow [...]Rating: 0.0/7 (0 votes cast)
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Sometimes it is so f*!@%~g hard not to have any control!
Posted: January 7th, 2010, 12:29am CET by His Only
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Sometimes it is so challenging, so difficult, so unbelievably arduous to not have any control and yet I would not want it any other way. Not only would I not want it any other way, I would gravely dislike it, loathe it actually if I were to be in control, if I were to be [...]
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Obeying. Simply for the sake of being obedient.
Posted: January 7th, 2010, 7:28pm CET by His Only
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Earlier this evening while driving home I asked Master if I would be permitted to have a shower as I did not shower yesterday or today. Showering is something I am rather adamant about and it is very rare for me not to shower every day, sometimes twice. I did not believe Master would deny [...]Rating: 7.0/7 (2 votes cast)
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Just one of the reasons why the kink “community” often makes me ponder the “lifestyle”.
Posted: January 5th, 2010, 9:41am CET by His Only
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There appears to be a very common photograph circulating throughout the numerous fetlife profiles as well as kink online journals and whenever I come across it, I can not help but cringe. I understand that every person has a different point of view, a different sense of humour; however, what is not okay to [...]
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Voice protocol. Choosing to embrace it, rather than fear it.
Posted: January 4th, 2010, 5:47pm CET by His Only
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No is not a word I am generally permitted to use. In fact, should I be worried or nervous or feeling panic I am to address Master in a manner where I use any word but no. For instance, if Master were to tell me to lean against a wall while we are shopping at [...]
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The interpretation of little and the world of kink.
Posted: January 1st, 2009, 6:05pm CET by His Only
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All one has to do is learn another language to understand how simplistic and narrow the English language is. Please do not mistaken my sentiment to mean that the English language is easy to learn, on the contrary. Anyone I have ever met who has had to learn my native tongue as a second language [...]Rating: 6.5/7 (2 votes cast)
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When I can not find my own words.
Posted: December 28th, 2009, 3:08pm CET by His Only
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I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. — Anais Nin Rating: 7.0/7 (1 vote cast)Similar Posts:Is it “just” sex? Briefs. [...]
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The lustful quality of watching her erotic demise
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A year of a little less lustful quality
Posted: January 7th, 2010, 8:30am CET by Deity
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As i trained myself to no longer append "09" to the end of the date and instead use "10", it occurred to me that it was time to summarize the year that has passed on this site. I suppose the title i've chosen for this post is a bit misleading. It might imply that there has been an overall deficit in erotic thrills in my life, but that is definitely not what i mean to imply. As i scanned the rolls of posts that i penned last year, when comparing their amount to years before, i noticed that the number was considerably less. I went from an inaugural output in 2007 of 98 posts, to an unimaginable 125 the next year, then plummeted in 2009 to a measly 68. There are several factors that led to this.
The initial factor comes through very clearly when i look at the posts in the first quarter of 2009. While i'm quite found of the post i wrote about where i turned my girl into a stool, something feels off when you notice i followed it not long after with another favorite of mine involving my gambling with her ability to control her jaw. Even i can see that these are not that different from eachother. Inwardly, i was sensing a bit of redundancy on my part, but i didn't want to mention it. I was hoping i could overcome it. I made it through February, whose highlight was a piece about how the body's reactions can betray the mind, but then i hit my first road bump. I turned to my readers for inspiration, and the posts that followed, while worthy enough to read, don't sound particularly inspired. Another month followed, and the only post in that time that continues to excite me was one in which i compelled you, the reader, to give into temptation. Otherwise, it was as if i was a visitor at my own site. I spoke with nostalgia about those in my past in a clinical tone, one that sounded as if i hoped to squelch any of my emotional connection to the site. I've been in enough failed romances to know what that signals.
The end.
And it came.
I stepped away. I gave myself space. I took the time i devoted to writing on The Lustful Quality and spent it not writing at all (which is something that was COMPLETELY new for me. I've always written). Instead, i took many a walk and spent as little time as i could in front of a computer screen.
A week passed (this may not seem like a long time, but you see, i had been regularly posting, on average - when not on vacation - every three days). Then another. And soon it was a month. I didn't think about the site all that much, which i think was very good for me. But after a point, i started to miss authoring my thoughts as Deity. I still lived my "life" as Deity, but i didn't so much document it as him. And i started to miss that. The thing that i missed the most was writing without pause, without any concern for who was reading my output. That's how i wrote when i first began TransformHer. I just wrote. I didn't know if three people would read it let alone thirty. It was in fact how i'd been writing for the decades prior to me starting this site.
Finally after almost two months away, i came back. Two things immediately changed about my output. I posted more infrequently, which was such a relief to not feel like i had to stuff anything i could throw together into these digital tubes once three days had passed. More importantly, i posted with much more reckless abandon.
You can hear that in this post. It's not the "hottest" or "sexiest" post, but it's exactly what i wanted to write about. I also posted more poems. I haven't the foggiest idea if those are the reasons why you come to read my blathering, but i had to think if it wasn't, you'd move on. Now mind you, this reckless abandon did have its drawbacks.
I got in some serious hot water when i attempted to take a shortcut with a post by piling three disjointed ideas into one, and not really taking heed of the sensitive ground i was treading in that assemblage. Asserting that i was merely addressing the difficult topic of the marks of femininity with a non-chalant, carefree manner in the comments to this post only continued to make the situation worse. Thankfully, my girl came to my aid, to provide deference on my behalf, which i rarely seem to possess.
It was, in the end, a real-life lesson of the principle that if you decide to say whatever you want without regards for your audience, they can take either issue with you or take their eyes elsewhere. It was an important lesson to absorb. For here as well as elsewhere in my life.
My favorite post in the last three months, and the one that really symbolized to me my "return" was my contribution to lg's orgasm project. I felt challenged by the task. It took a great deal of thought about what i wanted to say and how i should construct it, and all of this mental acuity stripped away any target other than myself. In the end, what i posted was for me. I wrote on a subject that i'd always wanted to explore in a manner i'd always wanted to hear.
At the beginning of 2010 (Two-thousand ten or Twenty ten - i'm still undecided), i'm not sure where i'll take Her Erotic Demise. I've really enjoyed my expansion to Tumblr, my audience is very different (read: more males) than it is here because most of what i post is images rather than words, so that difference is an interesting experience. Also, I've been pondering adding a vocal component to this site in the form of a podcast.
Whatever i decide here at The Lustful Quality, i assure you that there will be a lot more, with a particular emphasis on quality. Thank you all for your patience and your visits.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Outside
Posted: December 29th, 2009, 1:22pm CET by Deity
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Since there's no space, come, let us kiss and squeeze;
Or kiss anyway, let's start with that, the kissing, please.
Because it's better than not starting, you agree?
We're good at kissing, kissing all over, pleasantly
And if we kiss, we may as well do more.
For it's just you and me, no one else outside that door.
How is this? My hand? There, holding your breast?
Do i go too far? Or perhaps, should i go the rest?
What pulse is this, that greets me at my touch?
Quivering lips, fingers, hips, sighs of way, too, too much.
Yes, i think i will go on, plundering right here.
And those outside will not abide our passions, my dear.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Where else would i put these thoughts?
Posted: December 19th, 2009, 4:50pm CET by Deity
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- Oh pretty girl on the platform. I stand near you, and not so abstractly or subtly gander over at you. It can't be helped, you see, because your ribbony head of curls caught my eye as soon as i went through the turnstile. And well, i could dip into my satchel and pull out the trade papers i should probably be studying, but then there you are. Pretty. Curly. You haven't yet shown me your eyes - oh my...you are pretty. Incredibly. Surely, you see me. I'm no more than just a few feet from those two big blue beee-yoots. This isn't a game. I'm merely interested in looking at your visage, the same as if i were to stare so intently at a Van Gogh landscape hanging in the Metropolitan. I want to be near that beauty. I want to just stare and admire. I want to be inspired. To be filled with the joy such beauty imbibes you with, to then turn around, and hold the door for that elderly lady, to offer a pleasant smile to that stranger waiting for the bus near my apartment. I want to be charmed, and hopeful in turn, be charming.
- I do so much walking in this city. There can only be so much entertainment one pursues in the headphones plugged into their ears. I offer to those of you who read these words the opportunity to chime in on whether the next behaviors i describe are creepy or endearing: I'm rushing, late (by my terms, which really means i'm right on time) for an appointment. I weave in and out of the stragglers on the sidewalk. I don't shove anyone. It's all on me. I duck, bend, shift, scoot and bow - all to make my way through a congested alleyway. I look at my watch every few steps. How can it still only be that time? Seriously? Boy, when did minutes go so fast? And then, suddenly, without any hesitation, i stop in my tracks. Ahead, there is a beautiful woman who has stopped to study the tantalizing window display at a dress shop. My steps are methodically slower, angling my approach so that i walk behind her by just a few inches. Right as i'm upon her, i close my eyes, suck in the air around her through my nostrils just so i can sense her perfume. My forward progress carries me a few feet past her, as the remnants of her bouquet pay their last respects upon my nostrils. And then, without hesitation, i resume my hurried march to my appointment, with 100% certainty she has no idea what her lovely perfume has done to lift my day.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Top me, oh Top me, please.
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 2:44pm CET by Deity
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Ever since my girl got me an iPod Touch for Christmas last year, i have developed a gradually growing addiction for podcasts. This format has an incredible versatility because the shows can run the gamut of slick, professionally produced media spectacles to the low budget dude-with-a-mic-in-his-living-room-just-chatting. Couple that with how they are delivered to me, only in my ear, an air of intimacy has built up around my listening experience. As it shouldn't be a surprise, i've gone in search of kinky, SM podcasts, and to my surprise there are a good number of them. It's quite an enjoyable thrill to queue up one of these sexual broadcasts, board my morning subway train, and listen to tales of dykes packing dicks, bisexual sex parties, or a latex couples' weekend - all the while surrounded by my completely oblivious fellow commuters.
One thing i've noticed, and it's echoed here in the kinky blogosphere, is the absolute dearth of straight, male dominants/Tops hosting their own podcast (and if indeed there is a show, please feel free to let me know. I'd love to tune in). There is an endless number of quality shows consistent of females of all sexuality, and there are even a number of submissive males. Where are the straight male Tops? Does our viewpoint not excite enough of a following that a podcast hosted by one would find its way into my iTunes store? Some of this is self-explanatory. There just isn't an audience for the male perspective, especially when that perspective is trying to entice a female audience.
And that's when another thought occurred to me. In a good number of these shows, there are plenty of stories of men paying women a fee for a session of sadistic domination. None of these stories go in the opposite direction. Why have i never heard of a pro straight, male Dominant?
Economically, this means there isn't a market for submissive women to pay some male to practice his sadistic side upon them. I'm not sure what this says about the genders. Automatically, I draw conclusions that it is a product of our male-dominated society. But that is my intellectual assessment. Emotionally, identifying with male sexuality, I feel like a creep. That I have the internal capacity just as a male to need sex so much that I would dole out money feels gross, feels a little unhealthy. Admittedly, the perception is that boys think about sex more than girls. I'm told WAY more than girls, but that is the kind of gross over-generalization that i care not to make on these pages. That being said, it makes sense, or at least the absence of this kind of media isn't a shock. Maybe male Tops have to maintain a certain mystique that the oral/aural presentation of a podcast doesn't fit? Maybe they are those of few words, and thus couldn't fill the timeslot allocated for a show. Maybe trust is a bigger deal with women, and men will put themselves in considerably riskier scenarios just to blow their load.
I genuinely cannot offer an explanation for why there isn't a bevy of submissive females who need to be under the firm hand of a sadistic Top so badly that they are willing to pay hard-earned cash, or, at the very least, tune-in to hear him talk about it.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Myjaculate
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 8:10am CET by Deity
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No one's ever asked me to discuss my take on the male ejaculatory orgasm, let alone right an entire detailed post about it. When lg asked me if i'd be interested (rather mousily, and i'm sure she was nervously tracing a circle on her desk with her finger as she waited for my answer - but, alas, she didn't have to trace for too long), i was ecstatic. That's one topic i just never thought others would be interested in hearing my perspective on. I immediately replied yes with as much haste as possible.
And that's as far as my momentum went.
I struggled to find a place where i could begin. Talk about ejaculating? This is one of the few things that i've kept rather privately to myself. None of my partners have ever been particularly curious about what it's like to eject semen out of a penis, and frankly, the subject has never come up with anyone else. That doesn't mean i don't have a desire to spray my thoughts about cumming all over these pages. This indicates that i've struggled to organize my impressions in my head. And, truthfully, i think it's important that this make up part of this post. I'm still shocked that anyone would want to hear about a confidential sensation i've been experiencing nearly everyday for over a quarter of a century. My orgasm is such an emblematic part of me, as integral as my breathing, which makes it all the more difficult to parse and spread out onto a slide to be examined underneath an expository microscope. So, in order to tackle this project, i thought that i would employ a technique that i've used in the past to expound upon a subject. I've broken it up into three, ever expanding sections.
The first: Masturbation, pt. 1 (aka. thrilling)
As i've mentioned before, i really enjoy handling my penis. Sometimes, whilst mid-fondle, my somewhat flaccid member will start to respond and either out of boredom/curiosity/mischievousness i'll choose to push it further. I'll slide my penis between my fore and middle fingers and just wiggle them back and forth, inciting blood to rush into this appendage. Slowly the skin tightens, stretches, and expands. Very shortly, my erect penis is pointed in the air, slanted upwards, throbbing and bobbing in connection with my heartbeat. It's at this point where if i'm sitting, i will stand up. The preferred place for this form of ejaculation is a bathroom. I will lean (if i have privacy) against the edge of a sink, resting the outer rim of the bowl on my thighs, a few inches beneath my crotch. If in a public bathroom, i will pick a stall, and lean against the toilet, bracing my weight right underneath my knees. Regardless of where i am, the posture is all the same.
For this orgasm, all i'm interested in is cumming. It's not about being sexually turned on. It's merely for the sensation of the orgasm, but more importantly, the rush of thick, viscous fluids through the vas deferens, spurting finally out of the gaping hole on the tip of the penis. I will stroke my penis with my entire hand fully enclosed around it, applying more pressure on the underside. My hand glides over the flesh rapidly, causing my wrist to slam into my pelvic bone, and my thumb and forefinger smacking against the rim of my circumcised head. This feels incredible. Every nerve ending in my penis awakens, anxiously anticipating the rapid physical stimulation of my pistoning grip.
When i feel an electrical sizzle on both sides of my groin, i know i'm close. Here's where leaning against a toilet or sink comes into play (something i discovered completely by chance and to my benevolent grace). Timed perfectly with the rising crescendo, i will lean as far back as possible, maintaining my fast strokes, and tense my abdominal muscles as much as possible. This distributes the intense, pleasurable sensation of the orgasm all throughout my mid-section, building and building until finally, deep inside, i feel a pull from within. As if the semen could not be contained, it jets out of my penis, and with each expulsion, a concluding jolt of exquisite warmth explodes across my torso. As quickly as it was begun, it is over. The blood recedes, the erection subsides, and i am left to dispose of the creamy, thick evidence of my debauchery.
The second: Masturbation, pt. 2 (aka. uncontrollable)
Here enters the vast amounts of pornographic material i've accumulated. There is no mistake when i sit down (usually in front of the computer) what i have on my mind. I am already aroused, i've either awoken this way in the morning, which frequently happens, or just suddenly my chemical composition shifts, and i must satiate my customarily-high libido. When i am in this state, there is no need to manhandle my member to encourage blood flow. Blood floweth already. Blood rageth. I am achingly, obliteratingly hard.
In fact, i'm so aroused, that i must be careful in how i touch my penis. In this state, very little needs to occur for me to blow. I will cue up whatever girl being debased/objectified/minimized material i seek, and lower my undergarments. The difference in firmness and size in this state as opposed to the one i previously described is completely palpable. My penis is so swollen and engorged, it flushes a deep violet, purple tone. Starting the media, i take my fingers and lightly rub the underside of my genitals, caressing the (surprisingly) soft, skin, tracing over the wide, flanged head. This minimal contact is amazing. I can feel nerve endings in my spine react to this, crawling up my back and into my neck. It takes every ounce of restraint in my body to not grab a hold of this staff and start thrusting down on it.
When i do finally curl my meaty fingers around my penis, i just choke it at first, squeezing it which in turn causes a neural shudder to tremor through my core. This shakes off any civility left lingering in my foreground. In response, my jaw assumes an inhumane stance, with my lower teeth jutting forward. My breath purchases savage lungfuls of air from the atmosphere. The tendons in my hand scream "STROKE!". The rigid muscles in my forearm concur yelling "STROKE!". My eyes want to see this. My ears want to hear it. My nose wants to smell the thick, pungent musk of my beastly arousal. Playing over and over in my head are the images and sounds of the girl's hopeless plight.
When i begin stroking, blasts of euphoric current shoot down my thighs, past my knees. Jolts of pleasure sever through my crotch, using my penis like a lightning rod, boring megawatts of electrical sizzle deep into my prostate. With this much frenzied stimulation, it won't be long before i cannot hold back any longer. Depending on how long i want to go, i must cease immediately any contact with my penis in order to prolong my release. I will wait a few counts, then quickly jerk on my penis a handful of times, bringing me quickly back to the edge of that delicious waterfall. Then, once again, i pull my hand off. I breathe sinisterly, letting the flow of sadistic juices nourish my mind. I can sustain this dance of edging towards the crescendo for hours, or sow my seed in just a few minutes. Regardless of duration, my eruption remains the same. A sensation of live spirits collecting in my chest signals the commencement, and as these wild creatures join together and push through my veins, my penis begins to violently clench, spasming upward, setting off the ejaculatory impulses. Semen surges through my penis, spraying gush after gush of thin, briney liquid all up and down my torso. This can last upto a minute, and even after completion, the inelastic firmness remains for several minutes more.
The third: Fornication (aka. transformative)
This one was the toughest to write about because truthfully, there exist so many derivatives of this orgasm depending on which female orifice is used, which position she is in, and what other stimuli (i.e. sex toy, bondage, roleplay, fetish, etc.) is involved (or lack thereof). To attempt to capture them all would take numerous posts dedicated to each nuanced version (i.e. her mouth; lying on her back, head over the edge of the bed; blindfolded). I fear the intricacy of each one, although truly enjoyable research material for me to collect, would prove to be less than interesting to my readers. To boil this form of orgasm down to its essence, it is simplest to view this as the hands-free, genital-only, fornicating orgasm.
This is the most intrinsically male of the orgasms, and probably the one that most females are traditionally in the dark about. The masturbatory ones are about toying, frigging, diddling, playing. This one is serious. This one demonstrates the biological and psychological requirement that males must penetrate in order to fertilize the female. This orgasm is the most fulfilling, without a doubt. I gain a deep, intimate connection with my partner, but in addition to that, i embody my ingrained dominant tendencies the most when i use my penis to penetrate her. I'm sticking a part of myself inside of her. I'm inserting me into her. I am joining with her by going within her. I make a hole in her and fill it with me. Once inside of her, the most magnificent, incredible pleasure consumes me. That she has accepted me inside, has adapted to my fleshy intrusion, enveloped me, cradling my most sensitive and yet stimulative appendage satiates my desire to overcome, topple and conquer her. She has surrendered to me in this moment. I am her conqueror, she is the vanquished. I have a lavish, celebratory feast upon her banquet.
In retrospect, this act seems to imply the need for an apology on my behalf. It is done with such force - the kind that when attempted without the heightened hormonal state, would be viewed as barbaric and violent - and after a certain point (of no return) with zero regard for the recipient. In the beginning, when i first dabbled in the coital arts, i knew i held back out of trepidation for the horribly, hungry monster i knew i could become, sparing my lover this ghastly sight. But as i realized i couldn't control it, as its strength grew, sustained by the few droplets of sanguine blood in the water it sensed, i gave up all (completely futile) attempts at reining it in.
But i think that's what makes this such a delicate and treasured experience. Because of these moments, however long they last, we are forcibly removed from the artificial chains of civilization and humanity, and are instead treated as two galaxial bodies whose particles are violently slamming into eachother, creating new, unabashed passion.
We are ultimately and without any restraint, creating life.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Boy training
Posted: November 20th, 2009, 3:10pm CET by Deity
Tags: [edit]
A commenter on this post made an excellent suggestion that someone tackle the lazies of the male persuasion. Honestly, i just love getting suggestions for posts, and couldn't pass this one up.
Without further ado:
I feel for the most part that this entire site, despite its nomenclature of "transformher", has been dedicated to the ways a man can become a better man. I speak frequently about the need for restraint. I celebrate the virtue and necessity of patience. I subscribe to the notion that what is done here, what i speak of is more than just about sex, but about finding an inner peace and connection with my partner.
But ultimately, the matter that sits at the core of my entire psyche is the unceasing creation of beauty. I know this word automatically has feminine inferences woven into it. Rare is it that someone would say "that man is beautiful" and even if they do, it is something that causes you to take express notice. Additionally, for my sake, beauty is not just physical attractiveness. In fact, we limit the power and prevalence of beauty if we only use physical characteristics as its ingredients.
How does one contribute beauty to the world? With the list of things i chose to highlight in my other post, you'd think offering something beautiful was arduous (you mean i have to wear high heels in order to contribute positively to the world?). Actually, it's quite simple. Just care. That's all you need to do. Care about other people, care about your loved ones, but most importantly, care about yourself.
I'm surrounded by men who have no problem oggling some cute thing fluttering by in her little mini skirt and wedges, all the while their potbellies pour onto the table from where they stuff their mouths with the worst, nutrient-deficient, fat-laden food on the planet. They demand that their women look a specific way - tiny, thin, attractive - yet they give no thought to how they themselves look. They dress like the clothes they own were as inconvenient a formality as the wrapper on their greasy cheeseburger. They take no pride in their appearance, whether it is how little attention they pay to their grooming habits (i have seen some collosally awful haircuts that men seem to care very little about) or how homogenized they've made their outfits (can anyone tell the difference between what a guy wore on Monday to what he wore on a Thursday?).
Let me provide a little background information to round out the context to where i'm coming from. I was raised on a ranch. My father did not wear bespoke clothing. His regular outfit was a plaid button down and some heavily-worn jeans. And that suited his vocation. However, whenever he found himself attending some public function, he made a point to be dressed as nicely and handsomely as possible. He never once was found at a social event not dressing or looking his best. Doing so spoke about the welfare of his family, but also provided other folks with a charming, dashing gentleman to occupy their visual sampling. He knew that there was a bigger purpose than all of us. And i remember giving him a great deal of grief as a boy on Sundays, when i couldn't understand his insistence that i wear my navy suit to "dumb ole church". His simple answer was stolen straight out of a J.D. Salinger story (a fact i didn't learn until years later, on my own, reading "Franny and Zooey").
"Do it for the Fat Lady."
As men, we ask a lot of our women. We ask them to be seductive co-eds. We ask them to be blushing brides. We ask them to be strong, pregnant ladies. We ask them to be diligent partners, and impeccable mothers to our children. All of this is fine and warranted, only if we ask of ourselves on magnitudes much, much higher. We are not under the same pressure that women are to look, act and dress a certain way.
But if i could slow things down, for just a moment, let me speak solely to my very, small male audience.
Do better.
Do and be better. Don't let fatigue allow you to let things slide. Don't let laziness be your calling card. Don't let busyness interrupt your ability to offer more.
If you need encouragement from a bigger force, know for certain that the world benefits when you take the time to care and acknowledge that your contribution on this day is to a much larger and spiritually fulfilling effort.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Medium well done
Posted: November 15th, 2009, 9:30am CET by Deity
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The media
In some ways, it's responsible for framing my approach to my kink (some might even say it's responsible for the formation of it - fine, i'll allow that). Whether it's from viewing Popeye cartoons at a young age that involved Bluto kidnapping the hapless Olive, only to offer us brief scenes of her torture, then interrupted by the hero's spinach-laden rescue or the climactic finale of Young Sherlock Holmes where the adolescent gumshoe, in the nick of time, saves a mummified damsel from her waxy entombment - my introduction to the abduction of the female as a way to interact and commute with her came from this artificial construction.
I didn't know what i was seeing. In my real life, i wasn't seeing actual evidence of any kinky proclivities from the flesh and blood around me. There is no doubt that the media i encountered had a major impact on my sexuality. A certain image stimulated a part of my brain that up until that point was just agitated, an itch i couldn't scratch. But once it saw this image of a beautiful girl bound tightly by rope - ahhhhhh, relief! Suddenly, a visceral connection is made between my internal, secretive appetites and those broadcast through a wider medium of others. When i would encounter these familiar scenarios as a teen (again not in real life, but usually through a magazine or film), my mind made a pleasant association with the image before me, further reinforcing the hope that this kink of mine may someday be savored.
Because i am an animal with appetites, once i learned that there was a source for the kind of sustenance my lust required - the media - very soon, that was where i directed a great deal of my time and energy. But here is where it gets skewed. Since i was not producing any media (except for the written word, which is mostly all you encounter here), i was merely a consumer of what was available (still to this day, they have not made the erotic movie that i'd deign to make if i had the proper funds). Over time, the unabashed consumer will find their appetites and desires altered, reformed to fit the flow of consumable materials. So to was the case for me. I found myself aroused by things i never expected to be stimulated by, and after awhile, it became difficult to clearly delineate what were my own native impulses from those implanted by the media i voraciously consumed.
When i finally decided to create this site, i realized i was making an active step to participate in the very realm that forged my own internal desires. I contribute to it here by sharing my words and posting photos/videos that illustrate my point of view - but that's just it, they are just my points of view. I am just one (highly opinionated) man with a particular bent on the world that occupies a rather small corner of the kinky blogosphere. I cannot compete with the onslaught of images and stories that other high-profiled, commercially-focused and well-financed put out - nor do i ever intend to try to compete with this, but i recognize that i occupy a spot in the constant, unending stream. Even though, recently, me and my girl embarked on the exciting endeavor of actually creating media (photos specifically) of a professional nature (already, we've made it into a few publications), our transmission is a mere trifle compared to the largest and loudest voices out there.
It should also be stated that i continue to view SM media constantly, repeatedly, and emphatically. It is a daily treat for me - one in which i'm able to shut down when i realize i've wasted too much time plundering through the digital channels. One thing to note, however, is that the media is persistent and non-stop. We're under a constant barrage of imagery and motion that attempt to reinforce and stimulate deeply held fascinations of the opposite sex and the erotic theatre (for largely profitable enterprises), and it's up to us to decide what we're willing to let influence our psychology, and what we're willing to toss into the trash.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Help Wanted
Posted: November 10th, 2009, 5:20pm CET by Deity
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The Lustful Quality is spinning off - yet again. I've got a super, secret project i'm working on and need some assistance.
Consider this a call for the first ever TransformHer internship. Throughout the existence of this site, i've never really asked much from my readers. But, now i'm appealing to you directly. I am limited in my html/graphic design skills, and need someone who has some free time and interest in helping me with this project. I have concept ideas in my head, artwork that i've produced and other things already, i just need the right skills to set it in motion.
So, if there are any of you interested, please submit an e-mail (to: dominantdeity (at) gmail) and a brief description of your skillset (don't think i need to see resumes).© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Kitty's Response
Posted: November 4th, 2009, 10:21pm CET by Kitty du Vert
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One of the things I love about my man is his frankness, but sometimes it comes out the wrong way. In our relationship, I'm generally in charge of pleasantries like sending thank-you notes, remembering to bring a bottle of wine to a dinner party or offering drinks to guests the moment they enter our home. It's not that Deity is not thoughtful--I assure you, he is an incredibly generous person. But sometimes, his strong opinions trump his empathy and sensitivity.
Obviously, his last post was far from "rather benign" as he claimed in one of his responses to comments. It touched a nerve with many of you, and if I didn't know him better, it would have riled me too. For starters, he's not a woman. He doesn't walk through the world actually wearing the false eyelashes he so adores, and yes, they do take some getting used to, not to mention lots of practice. He doesn't wear a corset, walk in heels or put on makeup every morning, so from an outsider's perspective, his instructions and assertions as to how to do these things begs the question, "Where do you get off?" We do argue about this from time to time--I'm huffing and puffing up a few flights of stairs, he teases me, I shoot back with little patience that he's not the one with his ribcage forcibly compressed four and a half inches.
I explained this to him when discussing the responses to his post, and once I pointed out how his writing can read from a female perspective, he understood that, generally, women bristle at being told how to be feminine by a man, and explained that this was not his intention. He said, "But all I'm saying is do it the right way." I said, "What's the right way?" He answered, "Whatever looks best on you. Whatever you're happy with. I just don't like sloppiness." And that's what I think is missing from his post. Ultimately, he doesn't mean that everyone should go for a 1950s look or wear false eyelashes, a corset and heels every day. (I certainly don't. I think I would be blind and have tendonitis if I did.) What he is really railing against is women who take no pride in their personal appearance, and who forget that part of the reason for taking care of yourself is so that you feel good.
If your heels give you great pain and are making you walk uncomfortably, take them off; they're clearly not working for you. If you're not adept at putting on makeup and don't care to wear it, or practice at it, then don't. It's not you. When undressing, it is a little more fun to do this simple task in a way that makes you feel good--whether you're working it slowly or are more of a bodice-ripper type. If you're going to do something, anything, it's worth putting some effort into it to do it well and bring you happiness. As for the corset part, I think it is part of his fantasy that he knows how to do this better than me. He doesn't, because I know when it feels right, and I have years of practice. But for most people, someone else--their partner?--is the one lacing them on the special occasion that calls for a corset. (You can probably guess that that was the section which had me stop and take a deep breath for patience).
Of all the generalized, blanket statements Deity makes explicitly in his post, the implicit one that is clear to me as someone who knows him well, is that this all comes back to his belief that men and women alike should strive every day to add some beauty to the world. I feel safe saying that most people are at their best when they feel their best, and are making purposeful choices about themselves and how they act, and I know Deity agrees with me. This is the point that is lost when we, as women, read his post and hear yet another man telling us how to act. Too many women have heard that for most of their lives. By no means do I intend to suggest that those who were offended have no right to feel offended, I only wish to offer that there may have been a miscommunication. Deity's been writing this blog for years, and this one post is but an aberration from his otherwise articulate writings.
(Another point: Try not to take him so seriously. He gets off on being cheeky. Case in point: His blogger name is meant as a joke.)
--Kitty du Vert
© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Girl training
Posted: October 29th, 2009, 4:52pm CET by Deity
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There are things that i should not know better how to do than women. Simply put, there is a deficit of femininity on display in this world, and i find it to be a travesty.
- Applying makeup
I should not know how to properly paint a face better than a woman. If it is your choice not to wear makeup, that is fine, but if you do - PLEASE WEAR IT IN A FLATTERING WAY. The absolute lazy way i've seen women apply makeup is atrocious. It doesn't end up accentuating their features, but draws a sharp spotlight on their impatience and lack of care in how they look. Give me five minutes with a girl, and i can show her how she can make her visage appear porcelain and flawless.
- Walking in heels
If you're going to go through the taxing experience of wearing heels, please, please i implore you, look like you enjoy wearing them. Today, i saw a woman (the impetus of this post, actually) in knee-high, black leather boots walking as if she were completely inconvenienced by her choice of footwear. There was no sway in her step. No lilty flow. No playful roll of her hips and ass. Her legs in those boots looked like lumber. If you choose to wear these exquisite items, please don't make me take you aside and provide you with a tutorial about how you "Lift, Move, Drop".
- Lacing a corset
I know that the majority of you have never worn a corset - neither have i. But why do i know how to lace one? Because i've made the plunge and gone somewhere that carries corsets (real ones, with boning and lacing) and have wrapped them around a girl's frame and gone to town. You can only get to this point of knowing how to actually tighten a corset once you take the plunge. I've said it before and i guess will continue to have to say it, but there are fewer, more elegant pleasures than witnessing a girl look at her figure for the first time in the mirror laced. She looks hungry, famished, and most importantly, powerful. Fire burns in her eyes as her hands smooth over her exaggerated, hour-glass figure. Please make this one of your "once-in-a-lifetime" goals - if you are woman, to try, if you are man, to witness.
- Putting on false eyelashes
It's almost comical how easy this is for me, and yet i'm the one, not her, that gets to relish the outcome all night long. My girl has only begun to put her own false eyelashes on. These are somewhat similar to wearing a corset - you can only know their power once you've tried it. And good thing is, false eyelashes are available cheaply and more abundantly than corsets (try your local drugstore). My biggest piece of advice is: patience. It takes time to get it right, but when you do...WOW
- Taking OFF your clothes
Gals do you not know how much power you hold over the men in your life simply by the way you take off all the basic undergarments you've chosen to wear throughout the day? Please, please, please tease him when you de-robe. Take your time, tantalize him. Go slow. Look at him, let him know that you are aware how much this drives him crazy. You are his candy. Don't just rip off the wrapper. Take your time revealing the delicious girl underneath.
The number of times i've had to spend time teaching a girl these (and more) secrets of accentuating their femininity is really heart-breaking. Everything i mention above should be met with excitement and fun. None of it should be seen as work. And yet, i continue to see example after example of women who half-ass their look, when with just a few steps, they could have men eating out of their hand.
I think i should open an academy, but what would i call it?© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
you are safe
Posted: October 25th, 2009, 7:05pm CEST by Deity
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there is nothing in my hands
there is something in my hands
there is nothing in my hands
there is something in my hands
there is nothing in my hands
there is something in my hands
lay your head close to mine
lay your head
lay your head close to mine
lay your head
dangle
dangle that beautiful hair
dangle it
dangle
dangle that beautiful hair
across my lips
as i nap
as you watch me nap
from above
brush me with your beauty
pour over me with your eyes
safe
you are safe
for were i awake
i would
topple
you© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
The Dungeon
Posted: October 13th, 2009, 2:02pm CEST by Deity
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Eyes Wide Shut - Banned Orgy
We had to descend several spiralling staircases that carried us from the Burlesque Showcase room, through the Dance floor/Couples Room, to an external staircase that exited the old cathedral for a moment, finally delivering us to the bottom level - the cellar. Immediately, upon penetrating the low-lit chamber called "the Dungeon", you heard the song from the ritual scene in Eyes Wide Shut floating in from speakers throughout the level.
I walked arm and arm with my girl as we took a tour around the room. To our right several lounge chaise lined the wall, above them hung lanterns that sprayed the wall with stars of light. Following the cocktail bar against the far left side, we ventured into the area where the play equipment resided. As we progressed further, the rhythmic sounds of someone being flogged met our ears before the image of the naked girl with her outstretched, bound limbs greeted our eyes. A group of people had gathered to watch this corporal feast, as they gobbled up the moans and cries from the sweating submissive which sang into the air. We stayed for a moment, watching her Top switch between leather whips and hard wooden paddles, producing a gorgeous red tint to her upper thighs and buttocks.
There were many delicious visual feasts for our eyes to munch on, but seeing as she'd been standing on 6-inch heels for over three hours, my girl requested we sit to rest her feet. We resituated ourselves in the first chamber we'd visited in the Dungeon, finding a comfortable couch in the corner. There were others sitting in this area, and we soon found ourselves in polite conversation. While we were talking, a handsome blond man approached my girl.
"Madam, you are so stunning. May i please worship your feet?"
She looked over at me, subtly indicating our roles. He clued in very quickly and turned to me.
"Forgive me. Would you allow me to worship her feet?"
I nodded, and waved my hand in my girl's direction. He knelt at the base of her legs and very gingerly lifted and rested her right leg on top of his bended knee. With equal amounts of delicacy, he carefully undid the ankle straps to her shoes, and gently removed her custom-made patent leather heels. He wrapped his hands around her latex stocking-clad ankles, then slowly began to massage her fatigued tissue beneath the rubbery layer. With methodical movement, he kneaded her foot, every once in awhile bringing it to his mouth where he would softly kiss her toes. My girl relished the adoration, letting her head fall backwards in stimulated bliss. The entire time he paid her attention, he kept whispering to her how beautiful her feet and legs were, and how grateful he was to be able to worship them.
He had just finished his devotion when a gorgeous Italian girl tapped me on my shoulder. Through her pouty, sensuous lips, she asked me if i would allow her to also worship my girl's legs. Out of the corner of my eye, in a small little alcove off to my right, a couple was quietly, but hungrily fucking. I watched their undulating bodies for a moment, then returned my attention to the beautiful raven-haired signora, offering her my consent. Her method was different than the blond gentleman's. Where his touch was thorough and concentrated, her's was sensual and graceful. She brushed her fingers up and down my girl's shiny rubber thighs, barely applying any pressure. Each stroke traced a path that reached further and further up my girl's leg. The worshiping femme nuzzled her cheeks against her goddess' gams, closing her eyes in ecstasy, kissing their entirety. I adored watching her lavish attention on my latex doll. I've always found the idea of a girl servicing my submissive bottom in this fashion incredibly erotic, knowing that it wouldn't go any further than this.
I thanked her for her homage, and helped her to her feet, then dismissed her. I had an urge to turn the evening in a different direction. Earlier, in our tour of the space, i caught sight of a stripper's pole in the middle of the play area. With this in mind, when my girl returned from a brief trip to the rubbergirls' room, i rose, preventing her from taking a seat. I wrapped my arms around her, lavished her neck with miniature kisses, and then tapped upon, with purpose, her rubberized tush three times.
"Are you going to spank me?"
As a sign of confirmation, i walked in front of her, holding her hand, leading her to the pole. We weaved in and out of voyeuristic groups gathered around various devious activities. It was perfect, i thought to myself, because my girl had taken several dance classes, and one of her favorites was her pole dancing class. She excelled at seductively negotiating a floor to ceiling pole in 6-inch heels.
I gathered her in my arms, as we stood looking at the shiny, brass bar, and whispered into her ear,"I want you to give me a slow, enticing dance. Make me want to tear you down from that pole."
She stepped up to the pole, grabbed it with her hand, then took a slow revolution around it - the entire time she kept her bright eyes affixed on me. Swinging her legs around, she slowly lowered her body down the pole, straddling it the length of the descent. The longer she danced, the more spectators she attracted. But despite the growing numbers, her eyes never left mine.
I could barely contain myself. The crowd looking on, her fiery movement, the intensity of her concentration - all of it pushed my arousal to a peak. Without hesitation, i broke the barrier between performer and audience by approaching her as she swayed up there on the platform. I positioned my hands on either side of her hips, holding her still, both of us not moving at all.
I mouthed to her, "Turn around."
She complied.
I stepped closer, right against the pole.
"Grab the pole with both hands, and bend over. Point your ass out to all of those people watching you."
I moved behind her as she grasped her hands around the brass rod. Pushing her legs outward, i positioned her feet exactly where i wanted them. Her shiny backside beckoned me, but i tried to hold on as long as possible, letting this scene get as much maturity as possible. My hand flattened into a paddle shape. In my peripheral vision, i could see that several people had stopped to watch. This reality gave my hand a tremendous momentum as i swung it through the air and landed it on her rubbery cheeks.
"PHWAP!!"
She emitted a tiny "oof". I was immediately taken by how different it felt to spank her ass while it was tightly constricted under a thick layer of shiny latex. When i hit just one of her cheeks, the impact seemed to resonate throughout the entire area. It felt foreign. It felt artificial. It felt incredibly, incredibly erotic. I continued to spank her through the rubber, every once in awhile gazing out to the onlookers. I wanted to see if anyone felt a desire to give her a few swats of their own. Too timid perhaps, no one accepted my non-verbal invitation. Unfazed, i continued to shred into my girl's buttocks, enjoying the recoil her whole backside offered after each slap.
Slowly, as if the lights in the surrounding room were being extinguished, the background dimmed in my eyes. I no longer noticed those gathering. My hunger to inflict upon my girl had sky rocketed. I reached down at the bottom hem of her latex dress, and pulled it up, revealing her pale, sweat-soaked flesh. The aroma from her now freed arousal incited me. My hands acted without thought. They pinched, they clawed at the mounds of meat hovering before me. I spanked her repeatedly, skin to skin, while she clung to the pole. And then, abruptly, i stopped.
I had to. The next step would need to take place back in our hotel room. Over many, many hours.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Worn out
Posted: October 8th, 2009, 1:12pm CEST by Deity
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Whenever anyone has asked what my highlight from me and my girl's recent trip to London is, i've hesitated in my response. Quite honestly, i could pick many favorite memories from my inaugural visit to the Square Mile. We saw so many things: gloriously old museums, eccentric and unique boutiques, my favorite soccer team's hallowed grounds, a great assemblage of pubs, and much more. But, it is not the sheer number of great attractions that gives my answer to their question pause. Instead, it is the "inappropriate" nature of our vacation's most treasured souvenir:
Our attendance at Torture Garden's London Fetish Ball
Some of you may remember (and the naughtiest of you might even chuckle) my post about the preparations i needed to go through in order to secure our attendance of the Ball. The biggest stress that followed once our latex goods were ordered and delivered was safely packing them into our luggage prior to our departure and then handing them over to the ever dutiful TSA. I had serious concerns this tidy little investment in rubber gear would find it's way into the back screening rooms at JFK airport, and never see the light of day again. What a sigh of relief that came rushing out of my lungs when i gathered our valises from the luggage carousels at Heathrow and saw the cable tie i put on each zipper completely in tact.
We spent the day of the event caroming from one parlor after another of feminine delicacies, finishing our tour in the neighborhood where my cherished football team plays and also where my dear friend who helped us get into the Ball resided. Originally, the plan i'd arranged with my comrade was for my girl and i to bring over our whole get-up, and then we'd all get ready. This sounded like a lot of fun, but ultimately impractical, when i considered how many different girly accessories and tools we'd have to haul from our hotel to accomplish my doll's latex transformation. We settled for splitting a pizza while watching a soccer match - which was the perfect antidote for my excited nerves in anticipation of the evening's festivities - and then my girl and i made our way back to our West London accommodations.
Getting ready for fetish events is always such a thrill, because i adore witnessing my girl's metamorphosis from pretty, dainty gentlelady to sexed-up, slick, fetish vixen. However, this time was different, because i was making my debut sporting the very textile i've spent many years obsessing over when worn by my feminine counterparts. When it came time to polish and shine my clothing, it sunk in how real my immersion into this event was to be. I was buffing the slick latex so that my own attractiveness would stand out - such an overtly sexual and aggressive gesture i'm not accustomed to making (i'm usually much more subtle in the expression of my appearance) - and soon i felt my own transformation start to unfold. By the time we got the call from the lobby downstairs that the cab we'd ordered had arrived, a fervent energy pulsed through my body, intensified by how turned on both of us were when we looked at eachother. Instead of being coy, we walked through the lobby of our hotel (which was surprisingly busy for that late hour), with purposeful strides and direct eye contact with anyone gawking at our shiny figurines parading across the marble floor.
The spectacle of the Fetish Ball was everything my friend had billed it out to be. This was not going to be like the hugely disappointing events we'd attended here in the States. Top to bottom, the multi-level, former cathedral swam with gorgeous people - both male and female. Hundreds of tightly-clad, latex seductresses slithered and ground their hips to the bombastic beats of the DJ's house music. Vampiric goths, naughty nurses, sinful nuns, pretty candy-coated pixies, and breathtaking pin-ups roamed the grounds, providing your's truly with a sensory feast i'd be able to munch on during the many days following.
The air hummed with a sexual sizzle, that only lowered and deepened into a guttural growl once we stepped foot into the area known as "the Dungeon". It's here that my latex dolly got the most attention - the kind of attention (and my subsequent reaction) that requires another entry, all to itself.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
My collection
Posted: September 27th, 2009, 10:07am CEST by Deity
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From a very early age (oh dear, here we go again. Another one of Deity's posts about how he was as a kid - 'fraid so), my favorite places in the world to spend my time were museums. I loved their quiet, church-like solemnity. People spoke in hushed tones, whispering, as if the artifacts were sacred relics (some in fact were) that shouldn't be disturbed. And, contrary to what most must assume, it wasn't just art museums I adored. No in fact. It was all museums. Natural History museums. Transit museums. Military museums. Art museums. Sports Museums. Hell, I'd even go to a toothpick museum, as long as there were objects, on display preferably (and actually a very important detail) behind glass cases.
It turns out that this is a rather prevalent part of my psyche. I've always loved collecting things: stamps, business cards, soil - you name it, i would find a way to gather and archive it. Whatever the collectible, the most important component was the container I kept it in. I preferred that it was see-through. Something about looking at the contents, captured, yet protected and preserved gave me peace; as if i were relieved that they couldn't get away but also, nothing could get to them. I thrilled at the task of cataloging these individual specimens, taking great care to label each with the contents that lie inside. But just as enjoyable was my process of orderly and meticulously putting these treasures away.
I liked knowing I had these little bundles stored in my closet or stacked meticulously on my shelf. By possessing them, I took on the very serious role as their caretaker. I looked after them, made certain they remained organized and cleaned and gave them copious amounts of my attention. I felt total ownership of them, and as a result they were completely and totally mine.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
A complete dick
Posted: September 23rd, 2009, 3:58pm CEST by Deity
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I think with my dick. That's what I'm told. That's what is expressed to me countless times, over and over.
"Stop thinking with your dick."
What exactly does this mean? I know what they intend it to mean when they say it. Stop allowing your phallus to influence or overpower your decisions. But, it's ignorant to expect a man to not give great deference to a part of his anatomy that has caused so much of his life. From an early age, males, whether they are gay or straight develop a very private relationship with their penis. Some will end up sharing a portion of this relationship with others, some will keep it in complete isolation from everyone. However the male decides to handle this, this appendage remains at the very center of their self, and cannot be easily extricated or ignored.
In order for this to be an accurate statement, i think it should be rephrased as:
"Stop thinking with and about your dick."
I'm not sure when i first thought of my penis as a dick (a sexual unit), and i'm not sure i've quite come to think of it as a cock (either as a word or as the trashy term used in erotica/porn). I do know, however, that i spend a great deal of time thinking about it in some fashion. Sometimes i try to remember what it was like before this fleshy handful transformed into a weapon of mass insemination. It's odd to me that i've had only two or three conversations with other (straight) men about our penises, when i'm certain we'd have plenty to say. For the most part, it is seen as homosexual-esque if you were to engage in a discussion about your genitals, and most men will feign complete revulsion at the topic - which i don't get because i find the topic ENDLESSLY fascinating (of course these same men will prattle on and on about bowel movements and their flatulence).
I enjoy a good meal. I feel rejuvenated when i get to spend time outdoors being active. I would even say that music provides me with tremendous amount of stimulation. But without hyperbole, none of this compares to attention paid to my penis. I adore - ADORE - masturbation and sex (and they are separate but equally thrilling activities). In a typical day, i will handle my penis on average of about an hour, whether it is just a quick rub/check-in/adjustment, or if i'm pulling it completely out of my pants and giving it my full attention. I think about it when i'm sitting in my office chair, when i'm on the train holding onto a pole, or when i reach into my pocket to fetch my wallet. It doesn't take much to cause an erection. A certain smell. The sound of a pair of heels clicking on the sidewalk. Even something as simple as a brief embrace from my girl.
Frankly, i've had more worthwhile and meaningful experiences when i've given every little ounce of my energy and thought to my penis. When i channel all of me towards and through it, such tremendous liberation and freedom overwhelms me, i couldn't imagine it never being a major player in my decisions.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Wherein Deity gets stalked, Part I
Posted: September 17th, 2009, 3:59pm CEST by Deity
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Many years ago, i created a profile on one of the more prominent personal sites for those seeking an SM relationship. I was very curious, as online dating was just starting to really pick up steam, and thought it would be fun to venture into the kinky partition. I spent a little time filling out my profile, not much, but enough to get across the message that i wasn't seeking a "slave or a sub" nor was i needing the girl to refer to me as "Master" or "Lord" or "Sir" anything. I remember ploughing through the checklist of interests with rapid concentration. You had to indicate whether you'd be interested in receiving or giving of the particular activity (i.e. spanking) as well as indicating your experience level (never tried but curious; very experienced; or completely avoid). Without knowing what this said about me (because i didn't spend a great deal looking at other folks profiles), the manner in which i answered these questions gave my profile a specific expertise level. Apparently, i was advanced in my deviancy.
I enjoyed sampling the number of local girls (i was only looking for any interaction with someone who lived in my city) who largely expressed their (mostly) reluctant interest in being dominated by a man. This made sense to me. If you were reluctant to pursue a kinky connection, it was pragmatic to test the waters in a relatively safe online environment. But, i didn't completely understand what these girls meant by "being dominated by a man" and still don't understand what this means when i encounter this in the naughty blogosphere. I consider myself a dominant male, but i've never seen my behavior as dominating. When it has felt right, i've seen my behavior as guiding, mesmerizing and arousing. I didn't know if these girls were just looking for a much more pushy version of the typical spineless, insecure male they were used to being with, or if indeed they sought the deep connection i've found when reducing a girl to an object.
I found a good number of girls to be outright enticing as presented through their profile, but chose not to contact any of them. Content for now to just act as a voyeur, i logged in every few days to monitor the activity. I'd been on the site for about a week before i received my first message. It was adorable in its frenetic brevity. She was very timid and unsure, but she expressed a nearly uncontrollable urge to reach out to find out more about the man i described myself as. We had a few conversations, and it became clear that my desires were much more extreme than perhaps she wanted at the moment. We parted ways in a pleasant manner - her wishing me luck in my search, me wishing her to be safe and to guard herself diligently. Most of the exchanges (all initiated by the girl) i had on this site proceeded like this, with me at the end wishing to secure each of these novices against what i observed as unexperienced and misguided trolls posing as "Dominants".
I'd nearly given up hope on ever finding a reasonably entertaining and challenging plaything, when out of nowhere Pamela [not her real name] dropped me a very reticent and cautious line. I'll never forget the exact wording of her note:
I'm not even sure why i'm on this site or even why i'm writing to you, but you sound unlike any other man i've found here, and even if you weren't that refreshing, and despite the fact you don't post a pic of yourself, i can't help but get the sense that you are an incredibly attractive person.
I sat on her message for a few days. I liked that it was just mine. I hadn't responded yet, so, to her there was no real existence of me. Just a profile. Whereas i got to sit and read those words and couldn't help but feel their genuineness and their utter flattery. She showed intelligence, confidence, but also a deep vein of curiosity in just her words. I contemplated not even replying, ditching the site completely, but then i abdicated and wrote her back.
I wish now that i hadn't.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
The difference being
Posted: September 5th, 2009, 9:03am CEST by Deity
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"I'm not like the other boys."
-Michael Jackson, in his video for the song Thriller
To follow this idea of us all wanting to be valued and accepted, this abuts right up against this feeling i've long held about myself. My difference. I'm not like others. I don't fit in and never really have. Even amongst my small nuclear family, i am set a part from them. My siblings and i get along, but they do not understand me. We are night and day and many cannot believe we grew up in the same house. I don't resemble my parents, nor do either of them feel connected to me. Both of them have said, in their own way, that they felt like i could've been adopted. Our world views are dramatically different. Even our political ideologies couldn't be more opposite.
Amongst my friends, very few of them know the extent of the power exchange that defines my relationship with my girl. Even then, i cannot speak to any of them with much detail before they quickly try to change the subject. If we venture outside of the horizon of my kink, i hold opinions on most topics that are not warmly received or come across as controversial. In large part, the massive contents of my thoughts remain stuck inside my head (except those i journalistically share here or other places).
Acquaintances have always perceived me as odd. A character. Not normal. And for most of my life, that is in fact the umbrella under which i roamed. When compared to others in my same gender, i haven't found much kinship there either. They hold different priorities (watching and talking about sports all of the time). Their reaction to the passing female stranger ("oh, i'd do her.") is incredibly incongruent with mine - i want to stare at her beauty, study it, possess it, but rarely is it my desire to fuck it.
As a result of this, i have developed very thick skin. It wasn't always that way. As a young boy, i was accused (take note that i use this word) by others of purposely acting against the norm: "You just like being different." I became immediately defensive at this accusation. I swore it wasn't an artificial cloak i wore, but they had me convinced that my difference was faked. Rather than attempt to silence the outcastedness, i just withdrew deeper inside. It was these times i turned to that young man that reflected back at me in that mirror on my floor.
In those times, i didn't see my difference as an asset. It was my handicap. It was what kept me from being a part of the world around me, and more importantly, finding what i needed to satisfy my appetites. It took a great deal for me to realize the worth in my deviant mind, and liberation finally came to me when i first explored SM with a girl i was dating.
Now, when i think about what so many misguided children used to say to me "You just like being different," i smile. It's true. Wow, how i wish i could've felt that way then.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
In reflection
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 2:56pm CEST by Deity
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Throughout my life, i've often heard from others that i'm starved for attention. In many ways, this is true. When i'm at a party, i tend to be the one regaling everyone with stories and and having them in stitches. At lunch, the subject, if it's not on something general that we all can discuss, is usually about me and some aspect of my life. In public, i make sudden loud noises when i stretch, i don't mind singing a song at high volume, and i'll goof on my girl and say something like "No, i will NOT kiss you on the subway. God!" very loudly. When i was younger, i was frequently nominated to represent our class in school-wide speaking events and had very little problem presenting in front of large groups. I enjoy the spotlight, in fact when in it i feel a very similar sensation as when i'm being served by someone. But, to say that i'm attention starved, i'm not sure i agree with that statement. In fact, when you put that in the framework of my power exchange, it doesn't fly. I quite frequently give a great deal of attention to my girl - certainly it is in the service of my appetites, but it is also servicing her appetite to submit. It is her rump i spank, her dress code and look i manage, her limbs i bind, and her entire body i cocoon. This is not attention that is reciprocated. All of this had me pondering what exactly it means to seek someone's attention.
Is it merely just someone becoming your audience? That wouldn't seem to be enough, really. If they just stood there, blankly staring at you, not offering any emotional response or feedback. We want kind words, pleasing and complimentary words. We want validation, we want applause. We want to see evidence of joy created in the person, but even that isn't the root of what we seek. We want to know that we offer this person, the world, something valuable, intangible, unique. What are we really after?
Our reflection.
Attention from someone is the kindest mirror we could possibly encounter. I remember as a kid, i used to have a notebook-sized mirror i would take off my wall and put on the floor and pretend it was a doorway to another world through the ground. And i would visit with this person, and ask them what was in their world, and i would eventually come to learn that the world in that looking glass was the idealized version of the world i lived in. The "me" in the mirror was giving me the kind of attention i so often sought because he was ultimately validating me - in fact resembling me identically. I'd laugh at myself, make silly faces, but where i really enjoyed these moments was when i stared into the reflection of my eyes and felt a deep connection with that "self".
Maybe that's what attention gives us - a connection. Despite all these new, digital ways we can chain ourselves to people diluting our lives of interpersonal interaction, it hasn't made that desire to connect any easier or any less potent.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Routine
Posted: August 29th, 2009, 7:59am CEST by Deity
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My body doesn't react well to heat. Neither does my mind. It invades the crevices of my brain like a slowly, slithering droplet of water that rots away the wooden foundation of a house. I get irritated. I'm cranky. Most unfortunately, intimacy with my girl suffers. I've tried my best to wrestle with these annual demons, hoping to not let this weather that i cannot control get the best of me. As a result of this struggle, my girl's weekly maintenance has not materialized while the humidity super-saturated the air. I'm not proud of this, and sought to correct the absence of her corrections.
---------------------------
"What are you hungry for?" I asked her while leaning against the doorjam of our living room.
"Oh, gosh. I don't really have a taste for anything," The air wasn't moving in the apartment, and it was very easy just to remain stationary. I could tell she was fully sedentary - a state not conducive to her having a preference for much of anything. "Well, what do you want?"
"We really need to address a more important matter first." I gave her a quick wink with my left eye.
"You mean - oh...yes, spanking. How do you want me?"
I turned and left the room, walking back along the hallway, "Come to the bedroom - and remove those damn socks."
The socks were off before she entered the dark chambre. I guided her to the end of the bed, positioning her differently than what she's used to. Instead of her gripping the footboard, i laid her body over it so that her torso rested completely on the mattress, and her feet anchored to the floor. Lifting her dress, i took note that she'd also already removed her panties. The contrast of her pale, white mounds in that dim setting immediately aroused me.
"Please lay as still as you can," I told her, as i abandoned her backside for the bedside table. Pulling out the drawer, i retrieved the trusty - and hated - wooden brush. I developed an immediate kinship for this device, it being a long time since we last collaborated. He felt confident, secure, and solid in my hand. I brought him to her right buttocks, and stroked her snowy skin. My ears delighted at the familiar sound, rough abrading sighs of bristles sanding her cheeks. Over and over. Stroke. Brush. Burr and shine. The electricity of my movement soon came alive in her flesh, filling the area with a vibrant rosiness. I flipped the brush over and pattered her ass with a chorus of swats, inviting more of her blood to rush onto the corporal scene. When finally my favorite cherry color satisfactorily covered her derriere, i asked her for a number.
"12...?"
It being so long, i felt a lenient ambassador speaking on her behalf inside my head. I took his advice into consideration and made my determination.
"16 - and don't forget to count."
I placed the brush on the bed, near enough so that he didn't miss the festivities. I gave the air a few moments while i flexed my naked palm. It too hadn't been called upon for awhile. Pulling back my arm, i landed the first swat upon her left cheek. Because of how i'd positioned her over the metal frame, upon impact, her mid-section slammed into the black scrolled steel, magnifying the pain. Perfectly as designed.
I greeted her ass cheeks with an assortment of strokes - a collision of the full meat of my hand across her flesh; a downward onslaught from the top thirds of my fingers; a wicked, lightning-quick whip of just the tips of my fingernails (easily the most painful). Her response was remarkable. In a very short time, i spent my 16 lashes. Both of our breaths spilled rapidly into the atmosphere. I desired more.
Grabbing her by the hair, i pulled her up from the bed to face me, then pressed with both of my hands upon her shoulders, moving her to the floor. Her mouth opened and instantly accepted my rigid phallus. Hungrily, her head bobbed up and down, knowing that at the end of this, her full rewards awaited. For a moment, i held her head still, allowing her mouth to just nurse on the flesh gagging it. Finally satisfied with this act, i pulled out with a salivary pop. I lifted her from her knees and quickly swung her, stomach-first, over to the side of the bed. Without discussion, she opened her legs with an inviting lift of her rump. Filled with guttural excitement, i entered her from behind.
"Say: Thank you for fucking me."
Her voice raspily complied,"Thank you for fucking me."
"Repeat it. Don't stop." I continued to pound into her hind quarters, over and over.
"Thank you for fucking me."
"Thank you for fucking me."
"Thank you for fucking me."
"Thank you for fucking me."© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Turning it on myself
Posted: August 23rd, 2009, 2:17pm CEST by Deity
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In the near future, the House of Deity will temporarily relocate across the Atlantic to a famed city i haven't yet had the pleasure to visit. This city is one of the cultural scions for many things, but for my purposes, it plays a significant role in the world of fetish. While it isn't the official reason my girl and i are hopping on an easterly plane, kink will be explored, purveyed, played and even purchased. All of this will culminate in the attendance of one of the world's biggest fetish events, with a particular concentration on one of my three largest fetishes: latex
In preparation to attend this kinky gala, my girl and i have had a lot of fun perusing the ever growing market of latex clothing, in search for an update to her wardrobe. However, there is a kink (wink-wink) in this usually conventional search. Due to the profile this party receives, it must enforce a very strict dress code in order to maintain an immaculate latex orthodoxy. As a result, i've had to acquire a latex costume of my own. This is a first.
For years, i've happily plundered my dough on a rubbery dress or skirt for my female companion to don. In fact, 100% of my attention in any boutique that hawks these garments has been devoted to the "Women's" section. I never cared to look at the male offerings because so much of what i saw was so unappealing. Honestly, the notion of slapping on a full-body latex catsuit did nothing for me - worse, it conjured images of the limitless amateur photos i've encountered of male slaves awkwardly draped in the shiny, cocooning material. I didn't relish the task. My fetish isn't one where i'm the mannequin, but rather where i'm able to make my female counterpart the mannequin. Nonetheless, i received repeated assurance from my overseas connection that we would not be allowed entrance - no matter how incredible my girl looked - if i wasn't dressed in some rubberized fashion.
After much procrastination, we settled on a simple military-themed outfit from Libidex. My how easy it was to find something for her, in fact the more difficult task proved to be settling on just one outfit. We waited for our package to arrive in the mail.
When it finally arrived, greeted first by a burst of the heavy, smoky aroma of latex, we carefully peeled each slithery item from its envelope of tissue paper (which is a must when shipping latex, because unlike other clothing, these delicate items cannot lie against themselves out of fear that they will adhere to eachother). I purposely delayed in examining the shirt and pants we ordered for me, instead insisting on previewing her outfit. When i finally fished out my purchases, i was pleasantly greeted with a handsome plumb-colored short sleeved shirt with a striking military insignia on the arm.
The moment arrived to try it on. Having instructed several girls on the application of talcum powder to their bodies in order to facilitate the tug of these rubbery items over their flesh, for some reason, i felt a stubbornly masculine resistance to doing the same for me. I didn't need soft, slightly perfumed baby powder. My sheer will and determination will suffice. Boy, was i wrong. Not only was it a massive struggle to pull on the incredibly tight military trousers, but the material caught on every single hair on my legs and yanked at them, as if to tear each follicle from my flesh.
Eventually, i got the pants on, and then buttoned up the army shirt, still feeling a little weird to actually be someone putting on latex clothes. Almost immediately, i could feel the effect of the tight, stretch material that cause so many to become latex aficionados. I felt a cool breath on my body everywhere the latex touched, that would eventually warm up against my skin. The tight constriction of the material also had an unexpected appeal. I've worn tight pants before, but because these stretched and smoothed over my body to such an extreme degree, they really felt like they were a part of my anatomy, rather than simply draped over it. When we studied eachother, alternating between the mirror and looking straight at eachother, both me and my girl were excited at how relatively un-freakish we looked. She looked phenomenal in the dress we chose, the slick, liquidy latex flowing over her delicious curves. In many ways, we mutually felt like we had put on superhero costumes for Halloween. All we needed were eye masks to fully conceal our identity.
Even now, as i contemplate the fact that after all these years, i finally own some latex outfit for myself, the idea feels a bit surreal. It's like turning the transformation ray on myself, and sometimes i don't mind that notion, but for the most part that time in my life has passed, and i can't help but feel a little out of place.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Paix resistance
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 6:40pm CEST by Deity
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Do you remember before you used to think? Do you remember when you looked at grass but didn't know it was called "grass"? Do you remember when your head was untouched by logic, when human civilization hadn't yet pressed its oppressive stamp upon your brain? What form did the images that entered your head from the womb take? What form did they take before you understood language? Has language freed or chained your mind? What have we lost encumbered by all this "noise"? How can we reclaim what we've lost? How can we go back to that stage of singularity? How can we find that peace?© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Can i join you?
Posted: August 13th, 2009, 8:56am CEST by Deity
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I received her first package earlier than i expected. What a pleasant surprise. I turned the box over and over in my hand, looking at it as i walked into my kitchen. I dropped it with the rest of the mail on the counter, and forgot about it for the remainder of the evening. Right before i turned in for the night, the package popped back into my head.
-----------------
We'd met one evening, on one of my endless series of business trips. She approached me in a bar, she said, struck by my solitude yet not looking at all alone. I was ravishing my glass of whiskey, letting the auburn liquid swirl around, splashing up the side. Our eyes met, and instantly i approved of her gesture. She was stunning, but beyond that, i could see an immediate hunger in her qualities. She wore it like a tight-fitting dress. More importantly, it wore her. I told her that i didn't require her company. She rebutted.
"I didn't require your permission to sit next to you."
"Oh no?"
-----------------
When i opened the box, a waft of flowery fragrance immediately splashed against my nose. My fingers swam through the brittle cloud of shredded paper stuffed into the box for shipping, finally landing on a mound of soft, silky fabric. Clenching onto my prize, i retracted my hand from the package. Draped in my fingers were a lavender pair of satin panties - the conduit for the perfume. But i detected a different note than just designer perfume, a bolder, richer, hungrier scent. Opening up the lingerie, a white, texturous trail filleted the crotch which was the evidence showing, as asked, that she'd sent a used pair. I pressed this girlish output to my face, crushing it into my nostrils. I swam in the gorgeous contrast of sweet and dirty, inhaling deeply for several minutes.
-----------------
"What exactly do you mean you wouldn't phrase it that way?"
"Well, i'm a man for whom permission is a requirement."
"You can rest assured that i won't seek your permission for anything."
"Well, then, it was nice speaking with you." I turned my body away from her and resumed my position, hovering over my drink.
"Excuse me? You've got to be kidding..." A few seconds of pure silence passed, enough for me to tilt back the rest of my drink and to motion to the bartender for another one.
"You have GOT to be kidding!" My former companion huffily lifted herself from her chair and stomped out of the bar into the hotel lobby. I watched after her. I loved watching the angry protests of women. She'd come back. I took out a pen and grabbed a cocktail napkin, writing down something in preparation for when she did.
-----------------
She'd sent the panties, but it seemed she'd forgotten something else. Tipping the box upside down, i allowed the stuffing to fall to the floor. I was pleased to see the loose note flutter out. I bent down to pick it up, chuckling immediately when i read its pointed brevity.
"you're such a bastard."
Over the course of the next few months, i had the privilege of receiving similar presents in the mail. As agreed, each arrived by a certain date, containing the exact items i'd detailed to her. I enjoyed each delivery because they conjured immediate images of her and the lengths she went to satisfy my requirements. It was many months before i was able to make it back to her city.
-----------------
"You have some serious nerve."
"Why hello there." I looked at her with the side of my eye. Apparently, the hotel lobby wasn't as interesting as she'd hoped it would be. "You're back?"
"I had to let you know how ridiculous you are to insist that a woman ask permission to sit down and give you her company."
"Well are you going to ask?" The ice cubes in my drink broke apart from eachother, creating a little jingle sound. This musical interlude was interrupted by her heavy sigh.
"Would you," she shook her head, looking up at the ceiling for a moment. "Would you mind if i sat down?"
"I would love it." I pulled the chair next to me out, guiding her in with my open hand. "Can i get you a drink?"
She ordered a glass of Chardonnay. As the bartender was pouring her drink, i slid over the folded napkin i'd earlier written on.
"What's this?"
"Read it."
Her eyebrows curled in perplexion as she unfolded the note and read.
A week following our conversation, you'll buy a brand new pair of satin panties. One evening when you're by yourself, you'll put them on, and wear only them all night. Before you go to bed, i want you to remove them and the next morning send them to me. I want you to include a note that details your thoughts as you slide the panties off.
The bartender placed her wine in front of her. She looked at the glass, then shot me with her eyes, "You know, on second thought, i think i'll pass on the drink." She pushed herself up from the table and charged out of the bar. I grabbed another napkin, and jotted down my next few demands.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Moot lighting
Posted: August 5th, 2009, 4:16pm CEST by Deity
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So much advice found in conventional sex columns and guidebooks talks about the need to set the right atmosphere in order to soothe your partner into an intimate act. I remember reading my parent's copy of The Joy of Sex, flipping through the rich illustrations, but always getting stuck on the descriptions of the ideal mood. The right temperature (not too cold, but not sweltering either), the right sounds (some classical music - Baroque - would do the trick) and always the perfect light (candlelight if possible). The last tone received exceptional stress because too much light might bring out your partner's insecurities about their body, thus weakening their arousal, however too little light might shunt the erotic power of seeing your partner's face in the throes of ecstasy.
For years, as i caroused in the sexual bramble along with my fellow pubescent mates, the importance of light stayed steady in my focus. I was convinced that achieving the proper illumination would ensure the optimum amount of joy and pleasure (little did i know that this sex book was intended for married couples who needed to "re-kindle that spark" and not horny, teenagers). I'd funnel my hard-earned, adolescent wages towards purchase of special lightbulbs that ensured a coital hum or a cacophony of candles that sprayed our naked, young bodies with warm effusion.
As i matured, i continued to employ these meticulous light shows, but discovered something about them that negated their purpose: they did nothing for me. In fact, they did the opposite. If i was attracted to the girl, it didn't matter if a hundred fog lamps were raining down on us, and the same went for pitch darkness, my arousal sizzled either way. Paying so much attention to the mood lighting made the sexual act feel stilted and choreographed. As i continued to develop my erotic palate to reveal a large erogenous zone dedicated to the objectification of my partner, fixating on the need for light in order to observe her orgasmic facial expression desisted.
Randomly the other day, the memory of my once formidable obsession over light levels materialized in my head. I've long since abandoned that fixation, and have replaced it with a rather intricate process of crumbling, collapsing, re-arranging and erasing of my partner's identity. Whether she is bound into an unrecognizable arch of flesh, she is wrapped into a cocoon of plastic wrap and duct tape, or is turned into a shiny hood ornament for me to play with, the common denominator is the disappearance of the face - as an orchestrator and receptor of expressions.
I'm still capable and quite desirous of face to face physical intimacy, there is a different soul to those encounters. But, i cannot ignore the power and sway the act of transforming this beautiful woman i love into an identity-less object whose very will rests fully in my hand holds over me. The metamorphosis grabs my insides - in one gigantic, crunched up fistful - and pulls them up into my chest, swelling it with a kinetic tornado of addictive energy that i can't get enough of nor ever want to relinquish.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Sly old fox
Posted: July 29th, 2009, 1:37pm CEST by Deity
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She couldn't have been more than 20 years old, and even then, it was obvious her manner of dress was chosen to add maturity to her age. I saw that she was lost in her magazine, and didn't catch me stepping up to her register. I relished moments like this - this game.
In my head, i contemplate every move and gesture i need to make in order to fluster and catch a girl off guard. I will first surprise her with a firm, low-register greeting. Immediately following that, i will find her eyes, and stare right into them. Once i know she has realized we've locked eyes, a smile will break out the side of my mouth baiting her, as i wait for her to act upon my transaction.
This one seemed perfectly ripe and a virtual lock as a target.
"Hi, there."
She saw me smiling at her, quickly putting her magazine on the counter behind her.
"Uh...hi." She smiled back at me. "Hiya..."
She looked down at the items i'd placed on the conveyor belt, and began to scan each one. Following the beeping response of the scanner, she gazed up at me, right into my stare that hadn't moved from her. And each time she looked, her eyes bubbled and she smiled.
"You have to guess what i'm making for dinner."
She chuckled while arching her eyebrows. She gandered at me while biting her bottom lip, to gauge my seriousness.
"I'm serious...i'll give you three guesses."
She scanned the items, assembling them in a list in her head. She squinted at me contemplatively from the side of her head, trying to figure out what my appetites might be, what lay in my background and my biography. The only thing she had to go off was what stood before her.
"Do you give up?"
"Nooooo! Give me a - "
She stopped mid-sentence, and a disembodied thought that had been boiling in her mind finally formed together.
"You have really beautiful eyes."
Caught off guard a little by the change in subject, i didn't know exactly how to react, so i just offered a simple thanks.
"They are like looking into a bright Summer sky. I could stare at them all day."
I swallowed any words that were on deck in my mouth. She completely turned things around with this comment, taking the advantage in the conversation. I smiled, a little embarrassed by the fluidity of her compliment. As she finished scanning the rest of my groceries, i didn't say much. I didn't have much to say. I continued to hold the corners of my mouth upwards as i paid my bill, and gathered my bags.
As i walked away, i thought about how one should not overestimate the prowess of one even as young as that. Just as i reached the exit door, i heard her cheery voice call after me.
"Tacos! You're making tacos."
I smiled as the sun of the beautiful Summer day hit my face. She was right.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved. -
Lynch/fetish
Posted: July 23rd, 2009, 3:28pm CEST by Deity
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From the first moment i heard the opening, tragic notes of this song, i was hooked. I wanted to escape to this world of simple, forest-inhabiting, cherry pie-ingesting, supernatural people. Each stroke of the cascading six tones, rising then falling, like the chest of an innocent child stopping to catch their breath amidst a game of hide and seek hypnotized me, putting me in a euphoric trance. It all seemed so innocent, the pristine woodland creatures, tumbling waterfalls, soft amber colors. And of course, there were the girls of Twin Peaks. Every single one of them angelic heartbreakers, with pin-up looks and well-concealed darker sides that threatened to burst at any moment. This world represented a place where the fulfillment of my appetites could occur - the rigid capture of romantic beauty - i just didn't realize how much this hunger would affect me or how frequently i'd need to satisfy it.
My favorite of all the girls was Audrey, played by the gorgeous actress Sherilyn Fenn:
This image of Ms. Fenn is an exact copy of one i stared at for many, many hours. I'm not sure what i hoped would happen by these lengthy staring sessions. Her mouth invited a kiss. Her hands at her neck spoke of surrender, as well as one lost in lust. Her eyes, the delicately slanted whispers, bore into you, challenging you to muster up the courage to even be near her. The mountainous, ebony tendrils of her curly hair gave her a regal look, but also made her look like she was falling - away from you, urging you to save her, to catch her.
Hours.
I had to know everything about this actress, the man who composed this music and the other people behind this show. Everything. Eventually, i learned all of the actresses names. And eventually i learned the man who created this dreamy world: David Lynch
It's been (and i can't believe this) almost 20 years since David Lynch first brought us his world of Twin Peaks. Since that time, i have obsessively sought out his entire ouevre. He has imagined very diverse, incredibly surreal landscapes. From Victorian freaks of nature, to a senior citizen taking a jaunt on a riding lawnmower in the Heartland. From a futuristic desert landscape to a neverending highway of nightmares. There has been one theme that has consistently materialized in his work, that of devestatingly gorgeous feminine beauty. Without saying the word, Mr. Lynch, in his cinema, has paraded a world of his spiritual and sexual fetishes. The women have curves as if they belonged in a museum of ancient Roman vases, and the perfection of their faces certainly worthy of heavenly Goddesses.
Recently, i became aware of a collaboration between the cinematic visionary David Lynch and the footwear fantastico Christian Louboutin. Now, i'm a little embarassed to say that this partnership happened back in 2008. How i could've missed this exhibit, i'll never know, but i hope that it escaped my clutches doesn't harm my reputation as kink aficionado with you, my readers.
It's not exactly clear what the full exhibit consisted of, but i gather that David Lynch took the photos of models wearing shoes that Christian Louboutin designed specifically for this project. With all high-minded intellectualism, i can sense a woundedness that each model expresses, that they are trapped by an insanely demanding ideal of femininity which truly only values their parts rather than the sum of them. However, one look at the shoes in this photo, and the fetishist in me completely starts to lose composure. These extreme heels are totally unwalkable - to someone who has a fetish for female objectification, having your doll mobile rarely seems to be a necessity.
This gallery shows the spectrum of shots and shoes these two created.
This has a video that shows the gallery space, and a bit more examples of Louboutin's creations.
I'm not surprised that David Lynch at this point in his career is being more outwardly obvious with his own kinky bents. The arc of his career has been a gradually ascending dialog on this subject. It's comforting, somehow, to have an artist that i've followed and adored for two decades "come out", even though all along, when i first encountered his vision of a sleepy logging town in the Pacific Northwest, i had my suspicions.© Deity 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. All Rights Reserved.
Internal Enslavement weblog
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IE and Dependence
Posted: November 15th, 2009, 1:46pm CET
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that_girl_emme started an interesting discussion about dependency on the IE group on Fetlife. -
Threads on Dignity in O&P
Posted: October 30th, 2009, 8:55pm CET
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I've started threads on Dignity on the various O&P groups this week: on IC, on TSR and on Fetlife.... -
Threads on Respect in O&P
Posted: October 23rd, 2009, 8:04pm CEST
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This week I've started threads about "Respect in O&P" and its relation to protocols and etiquette, on IC, on Fetlife, and on TSR.... -
Threads on Consent in O&P
Posted: October 16th, 2009, 8:17pm CEST
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I've started this week's O&P threads (about Consent) on the O&P groups on IC, on Fetlife, and on TSR. I'm now halfway through these threads about the ten O&P keywords :)... -
Structure in O&P discussion threads
Posted: October 3rd, 2009, 5:50pm CEST
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This week I've started threads about "Structure in O&P", on the O&P groups on IC and on Fetlife. -
Rituals threads on O&P groups
Posted: September 22nd, 2009, 8:13am CEST
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I've started another couple of threads, this time about Rituals, on the O&P groups on IC and on Fetlife, and on TSR. ... -
O&P groups on IC and Fetlife
Posted: September 17th, 2009, 4:22pm CEST
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I've created O&P (Ownership&Possession) groups on Informed Consent in the UK and on Fetlife. To get them going, I'm starting threads on these groups about each of the ten keywords on the O&P Manifesto, starting with Authenticity. -
Ownership & Possession (O&P) Manifesto
Posted: September 4th, 2009, 7:59pm CEST
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I've decided to try to express my beliefs about M/s and D/s, using the possession, property, and ownership framework that I've started talking about this year. I'm calling this structure "Ownership & Possession" or "O&P", so I have a shorthand for referring to it. The O&P Manifesto lists its ten main concepts. -
Jack McGeorge has died
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 3:43pm CEST
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Jack McGeorge - master, BDSM organiser, US Marine, Iraq UN WMD investigator, and much more - died last week after heart surgery.... -
Possession and the Hyphenated Slave
Posted: February 17th, 2009, 7:43pm CET
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What does "slave" mean? Is there only one type of slave? Is possession the same as ownership?... -
Changes
Posted: October 30th, 2008, 3:23pm CET
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I've never been one to post blow by blow commentaries of my relationships as they happen, and that's especially true when things are coming to a conclusion. But I think it's time to spell out how things are now. The short version is that I uncollared both lili and popi, and they have now both moved out. The rest of this post is the slightly longer version.... -
The Desire for Purpose
Posted: January 16th, 2008, 7:07pm CET
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Recently I've got interested in general motivations: what is the most general framework for why people do things? Are people following specific drives imposed by evolution, or is there some universal, such as Nietzsche's claim that everyone's motivation is The Will to Power. But how can that be true in a world with consensual submissives?... -
"The Control Book" by Peter Masters
Posted: April 17th, 2007, 1:38pm CEST
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Peter Masters had an outline of this book on his website since the early 2000s and if you're really curious some of these versions are still there on the Internet Archive site. However, he's now produced a printed edition, published by Jack Rinella in March 2007, and this review is based on that expanded version.... -
Slave Training
Posted: April 11th, 2007, 10:37am CEST
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I've been thinking about training this week, partly to write the Slave Training article for the Ownership Wiki. Like the word "slave" itself it has a wide range of uses, from the profound (as another term for enslavement) to the ridiculous (for paid SM sessions with a dominatrix.) I've avoided using the term in the past because of its vagueness, but I'd now like to put these two words to work with a plausible definition.... -
Review of "Master Nage's Guide to Training Consens
Posted: April 6th, 2007, 3:36pm CEST
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I've been away this week and took the opportunity to read Nage's book. It's one of a sudden flurry of M/s books which have appeared in the last couple of years. I think it's clear that it's the weakest of the current crop but I'm going to try to highlight the good points as well as the rest.... -
Obedience dynamics
Posted: March 26th, 2007, 7:37pm CEST
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In this post, I'd like to tie together the various concepts and terms that surround obedience in Master/slave and Ownership relationships. Words like resistance, reactance, discipline, rules, submission, and obedience refer to different parts of the puzzle, but don't have well-defined boundaries, and I'd like to suggest a consistent set of definitions and some new ideas to help visualise the various processes of obedience.... -
The Women Who Take Their Mate as a Master
Posted: March 2nd, 2007, 4:14pm CET
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In 1992 "The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Chattel" was published by Wilson and Daly as part of "The Adapted Mind", a collection of papers which established Evolutionary Psychology as a new way of looking at the mind in terms of evolution, and attempting to identify which aspects are the result of an evolved human nature. These evolved psychological mechanisms each made a contribution to survival and reproduction in the environment in which humans evolved, although many are no longer useful or even wanted by modern humans. Wilson and Daly's paper argued that one of these adaptations is that men take a proprietary view of women's sexuality and reproductive capacity, and that this is the basis for laws and traditions which formally treated women as owned by men. In this essay, I will apply these ideas to the understanding of heterosexual male dominants in modern day, consensual Master/slave relationships, and propose ways in which they can be extended to explain many female submissives' ability to enter an inescapable state of enslavement.... -
Review of "Evolutionary Psychiatry" by Stevens and Price
Posted: February 24th, 2007, 1:43pm CET
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This week I finished Evolutionary Psychiatry by Anthony Stevens and John Price. I've had this book since it came out in 2004, but up to now I'd only read the Sadomasochism chapter and some of the introductory material. Now that I'm getting interested in evolutionary models for Internal Enslavement again, I decided to read it in full - not least because they discuss social rank and dominance in detail as part of their attempt to explain some psychiatric problems. ... -
The Transferability of Ownership
Posted: January 25th, 2007, 7:32pm CET
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The sale of slaves is one of the recurring themes of BDSM fiction and many people's fantasies, and it's raised from time to time in the ownership subculture: How can the ownership of slaves be transferred? Can they be sold? And even, where can they be bought? I don't believe this is really possible, and I'd like to explain my reasoning about the issue.... -
"The Ties that Bind" by Vanessa Duries
Posted: January 24th, 2007, 7:03pm CET
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"Le Lien" ("The Bond" or "The Link") is an autobiographical account of a BDSM relationship by Frenchwoman Vanessa Duries. Following it's publication in 1993, she shot to fame and notoriety, and even appeared on French television, before dying in a car crash in the December of the same year, at the age of 21. I had high hopes based on reviews of the French original, but I'm quite disappointed....
Diary of a Kinky Librarian
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Coitus Interruptus
Posted: January 7th, 2010, 10:58pm CET by Nadia
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DeeDee is visiting MasterDoc this week, but he set aside Tuesday night for me while she went out on her first Domme date – that is, she’s exploring her Domme side and meeting potential male submissives!
When I got to MasterDoc’s, Stacina was on the living room floor naked. This is just one thing in the long list of things that would be remarkable/weird in another household but it’s completely expected when you go to MasterDoc’s. He had a hot threesome with Stacina and DeeDee that day. Unfortunately I had to be at work during this. I get that feeling like a little kid wanting to stay up on New Year’s Eve – I don’t want to miss any of the fun. But life intervenes and one must earn a living….
MasterDoc had just dropped DeeDee off at the subway to go to her date, and Stacina was gathering her wits about her. She left soon after, but not before doing some clean up. Can you tell she was a service sub for a long time? She brought me a drink of water, unasked. I would like to be that thoughtful. I do it for MasterDoc but I’m not the best hostess. I need to work on that.
After she left, I did the mandatory time on the Wii Fit and showered. MasterDoc did the same and we heated up yummy leftovers for dinner. I wondered if he was going to still want to get freaky with me since he had such a sexual day – but I should know better than to worry about that. He suggested I take the laptop into the bedroom. I knew this was the cue that we were going to fool around. I put the throe on the bed and the laptop too, and got out lube, condoms and my collar. Key item I forgot: I should have plugged in the magic wand! Luckily he let me do this after he reminded me.
We cuddled for a while, and I was really happy to have that alone time with him. I like playing with his “spot” – I think I’ve mentioned here that he has this delectable spot in the middle of his chest where the hair is just the right density and rubbing it is comforting. We joked about making a sex doll version of his chest for “post-orgasmic relaxation.” I then came up with the idea to put “spot worship” as a fetish on fetlife. If you see that, you’ll know it was me.
He had me pick out some porn, and I continued with the public humiliation porn with “Nadia.” (No that’s not me, but she looks like she’s having fun.) He had me put my collar on and sit on the bed in front of him. He took the lightest cane to my breasts, flicking the nipples. The cane really needs to be striking you sideways to make an impact. On my left breast it was barely noticeable as he had the tip striking it. Next, I was up on hands and knees. My pain tolerance seemed pretty good last night, and he gave me a long caning using the light and medium canes. He tapped my upper back with it, he went lightly on my ass and then harder. I was in subspace pretty quickly, and so when he climbed on the bed next to me and grabbed by tits roughly from underneath, I was struck by how hot it is to endure pain for someone. It’s such a mark of devotion to let someone hurt you. (Of course, in some respects I like the pain.) I felt acutely aware of the pleasure of sadism for a change. I felt that his beating me could be arousing for him as well – usually I feel like it’s more of a service the Dom does for the masochistic sub. I liked believing he enjoys it too, for the first time. Funny how that doesn’t get into my head.
Laying on my back now, he played with my cunt, adding just a bit of lube. He teased the clitoris with his fingers and eventually worked his fingers into me. He stroked the g-spot – enough to make it feel wonderful but not enough to make me come.
“Do you like my fingers inside you?”
“Oh yes, Sir!”
He reclined and had me play with this inner thighs and his cock got quite hard. He had me up on hands and knees, condom on, ready to fuck me when… his phone rang. It was DeeDee so he answered it. She was home early and would it be ok if she came upstairs? He had told her we should be done by 10 pm and not to come home before then, it was around 9:30 when she called. Yes, rather than have her wait in the building lobby he told her to come up.
By that time, his cock had gone soft. He joked about how I have a reason to be annoyed with DeeDee, but soon enough his cock was at attention again. He starts to fuck me when… his phone rang. It was DeeDee again, she didn’t have the key to his apartment and was stuck outside until he went to open the door. He told her she had to wait this time, and proceeded to fuck me hard. I was concerned that maybe she was outside the door to the building, in the cold. So when it came time for me to come, I couldn’t quite get there. Not to be daunted, MasterDoc proceeded to finger my g-spot (yes, Virginia, it does exist) and even grabbed the magic wand. He made me come until every last orgasm was wrung from my body. I collapsed in a heap. He went and opened the door for DeeDee.
He came back for cuddles and I was quite happy. After cuddling was done to satisfaction he had DeeDee come in to tell us about her date. It went well, but ultimately that’s her story to tell if she wishes.
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Lelo Ina Vibe
Posted: January 7th, 2010, 10:09pm CET by Nadia
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Needles and Ice
Posted: January 4th, 2010, 5:38pm CET by Nadia
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I hadn’t expected any nooky Sunday before I had to leave MasterDoc’s place. After all, I had had an incredibly fun weekend with him. But he had something else in mind. He started talking about needles and ice cubes.
The funny thing is the ice cubes scare me more. I don’t like being cold. A needle stick is very brief but if you get the chills you can be shivering for a while. He teased me by saying he’d put an ice cube in my pussy. Yipes! But strangely enough, I was turned on by him teasing me with something awful.
When my collar was on, he had me lay down on my stomach on the mat in the living room. He had just carried in an ice cube tray, so I knew he wasn’t just teasing about the ice. I could feel the coolness of alcohol wipes as he cleaned the skin on my ass. I waited for a needle stick, but instead he dragged an ice cube over both cheeks. Eep! It wasn’t as awful as I had anticipated. Later he said that hey, wasn’t he nice to numb my butt with ice before the needles? He was being a little facetious there as my butt was not numbed from the gentle trail of ice. He grabbed one cheek in his hand and I knew that the needle was coming next. I yelped a little, and kicked up my opposite leg as I tried not to flinch as he stuck me with the needle.
This was followed by some hard spanks on my opposite cheek. He was going to do needles on both sides, he later said, but he decided to keep one cheek free for spanking. Again he grabbed my butt firmly and slid a needle in.
He next teased my clit with the bullet vibe. I was really aroused by the combination of sensations. He slid the bullet inside me and left it there. He asked if I could feel it and while I could it didn’t do much to stimulate me. It’s just not intense enough. He spanked me some more and flicked the needles in my ass with his fingers to make them smart.
He sat down on the chair near my head and told me to crawl over there and suck his cock. I did and while I sucked he told me to use my hands. I shifted my weight so I could hold myself up better and use my hands to gently manipulate the inside of this thighs and around his genitals. Meanwhile, I kept sucking, inspired by his telling me that if I got his cock hard that he’d fuck me with it. I felt so delightfully slutty kneeling there, needles in one ass cheek, sucking his cock deep into my mouth. He grabbed my head a bit, which never fails to turn me on.
He fucked me from behind and allowed me to use the bullet on my clit. Between the buzzing on my sensitive clit and his big cock plunging inside me, I was incredibly aroused. He’d flick the needles every so often, and it was so strangely hot. I’d moan more when he did this. He’s been fucking me quite hard lately and it drives me crazy. At some point he pulled the needles out of my skin but I barely noticed.
He tells me to come and I do, muscles pushing his cock out. I want nothing more than for him to continue the amazing feelings with his hands, and he fingers me, prodding my g-spot making me come over and over. I start to sag towards the floor from being on my knees as I’m overcome with the waves of coming.
I collapsed in a heap after, and was grinning like crazy. I don’t think I have adequate words to capture just how hot this fuck was. I was thankful when he admitted afterward that he was going to push an ice cube into my asshole as he was fucking me, but he couldn’t reach the ice tray. Phew.
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On With the Show
Posted: January 4th, 2010, 9:41pm CET by Nadia
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Late Saturday afternoon we put on a show. I wasn’t initially in the mood for one, I was hoping for a quiet afternoon in and possibly some more use of my behind the back restraints. (I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they will get a fair amount of use.) MasterDoc had me dress in the maid costume from Halloween, and I felt silly. I was embarrassed and not in the hot-humiliation-play sort of way. He pointed out that had I asked nicely not to wear it, I may have been allowed to forgo it that day, but since I was a bit cranky I ended up in the costume. I started feeling a bit better after I put on fishnet stockings and the high heels. They made me feel sexier as did our guest’s reaction when he saw me. His immediate reaction was, “Wow! Very nice! Very pretty.”
I think heels look fabulous, but I can’t stand wearing the bloody things. I also thought that MasterDoc’s neighbors must be cursing me as I clumped around on the wooden floor in heels. I asked for permission to take them off and thankfully he let me. I got drinks for everyone as MasterDoc started making conversation with our guest. I sat on the couch next to MasterDoc in my silly maid outfit and blushed profusely as they talked about me, and MasterDoc talked about our relationship. It’s funny, the feminist in me realizes that I shouldn’t be all into being liked for my looks and sex appeal, but damn it does feel good to feel sexy.
My friend Coy Pink recently sent along a new toy when she was so very kind to send me some yummy tea. (Let me just say, she rocks. And she has some hooooot pictures on her site.) She had won an electrosex power box and wasn’t interested in it herself. She asked if I was interested and since MasterDoc has some TENS units we’ve used, I said yes. We had taken it out of the box and looked it over, but not played with it yet. MasterDoc applied two of the electrodes on either side of my left nipple. He played with the settings on the box and for a while I didn’t feel anything. Then he started to get it going and I jumped suddenly. Our guest said, “Oh she felt that!” and seemed amused. He asked if it could be used elsewhere, such as my pussy. MasterDoc said, ooh he’ s a meanie, and opted instead for my inner thigh since he’s not accustomed to using the unit yet. He played with shocking me a bit more before deciding to put the toy away. I’m curious to see what it would be like if we had a vaginal electrode attachment. Yikes. Could be amazingly fun or horrible torture.
He had me get on my knees and blow him. It’s a very subservient position to be in – on your knees, breasts bared, sucking the cock of your dressed Dom and being watched by another perv. In case you might misinterpret that, I mean it’s hot. Plus I’m quite happy with my “slut’s pacifier” in my mouth.
Our guest was appreciative, paying me many compliments throughout the show. This added to the ego boost MasterDoc had been giving me lately by giving me lots of compliments and reminding me how much he loves me. I have to admit that I’m not feeling so down on myself now.
I got bent over the scoop and flogged and paddled. (He used the wooden paddle, which is much harsher than the leather slut paddle.) I’ll include some pictures here for your viewing pleasure. MasterDoc also teased me with my bullet vibe and played with me until I begged to come. I came in typically spectacular fashion – you can’t mistake me for someone who’s not enjoying herself.
(New camera. Haven’t fixed the date stamp!)
After I recovered, MasterDoc had me do more dick sucking, followed by laying on my back masturbating on the mat on the floor. It’s funny how I have no trouble doing this in front of a stranger (I mean, it’s HOT) but I do keep my eyes closed as much as possible. I was already really wet from coming before. MasterDoc had me get on hands and knees and he fucked me from behind. He should be quite proud at the good fucking he gave me, there are men younger than 55 who can’t manage what he did. Rowr. Again, I came spectacularly hard to the delight of our guest. He swore that he would definitely come again for another show.
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And now for something completely different…
Posted: January 2nd, 2010, 3:35pm CET by Nadia
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(compared to last post at least)
We went out to our usual swing club last night. As can be expected the eve after New Year’s Eve, it was fairly empty, and there were mostly single men. We wandered a bit and initially we were the only couple there. After we relaxed with drinks, MasterDoc had me put my collar on. We put pillows on the hard floor and I got on my knees to give him a blow job. As usual, we enjoyed having an audience – single men immediately came over and sat nearby to watch. I was wearing my leather waist cincher and between that and my collar I was very much in sub mode. (And as I was wearing a plunging black bra and black mesh shirt as well, my boobs looked spectacular.) His cock peeked out from his open fly and I sucked it, making sure to move my head around so that I didn’t rub against the same spot over and over, like he taught me. I love hearing him moan lightly and gasp from my licking and sucking. The single guys gave me compliments after, in the hopes that I might be willing to play with them. I don’t think they realized that that was entirely up to MasterDoc.
A young, fit couple came in, and they started fooling around in the “exhibitionists’ room.” Despite the name of this room, there’s mesh curtains hanging that obscured the view. When I came back from a trip to the restroom, MasterDoc had moved onto the bed across from the couple and was watching along with two of the single guys. I joined him. The woman in the couple was mostly still dressed – panties, bra, camisole – the guy still had a t-shirt and socks on. He was into it – into the exhibitionism, into fucking her. He liked to choke her lightly and sometimes she seemed to fight him off doing it. She seemed into the sex only intermittently and she didn’t come as far as I could tell. MasterDoc had me start sucking his cock while he watched the couple fuck. I enjoyed knowing that he was getting a show while I was pleasuring him. When my mouth wore out, he had me give him a hand job as we watched the couple some more. MasterDoc started playing with my breasts, reaching in and coaxing my nipples out of the bra. I was pretty damn horny and I gladly took my top off when he told me to. The couple finished fucking and got dressed.
I got naked; I was somehow proud of my ability to strip when a woman with a much nicer body than me didn’t. The two single men moved closer. I lay back and played with pussy as MasterDoc hands one guy a flashlight to shine light on it. The light hits me in the eyes a bit, so I close my eyes. MasterDoc gives me the bullet vibe I packed and I got worked up quickly as I rubbed the buzzing vibe against my clit. There was something extra hot about feeling my freshly shaved pussy while three clothed men were around me watching. MasterDoc gently touched pussy, which turned me on even more than you would think. The man with the flashlight asked to lick me, but MasterDoc declined. But when the guy wanted to see my asshole, MasterDoc had me show him. MasterDoc had me wet his fingers and he fingered me. In a very short period of time, I begged to come. After making me beg over and over, “Please Sir, may I come??” he let me come loud and hard. I assume MasterDoc let the guy sitting behind my head touch me, he gently touched my hair and face and tugged on my collar. I was surprised that I didn’t mind a stranger pulling on my collar – I found it pretty damn hot actually. The guy was smart enough to do it gently and not scare me.
Then we fucked. I was on hands and knees using the bullet vibe on my clit. He fucked me quite hard and varied the pace and thrusting. I ride it out as long as I can, my face passionately scrunched up, mouth slack, as one guy sits on the bed directly across from me and watches from only two feet away. MasterDoc slaps my ass and calls me bitch a few times along the way. When I couldn’t take it any more, I begged for orgasm. He let me and I came hard – somehow not pushing his cock out. His cock seems extra hard these days. Eventually it did get pushed out, and he decided I had had enough coming. He pulled my legs back so I ended up laying on my tummy, and he ran his hand up my spine. Then he nibbled my back in a few spots which made me moan, smile and giggle naughtily.
I’m sure hearing about this comfort level with my body in public runs so contrary to the person I described in the last post – insecure, shy, self-hating, etc. It’s odd, sometimes I’m confident, sometimes not. Whether I’m ill with a depression then or not makes a huge difference. And it probably doesn’t help that I shrug off some of the things I do as no big deal, when in fact for many people fucking in public, completely naked, while having an imperfect body, would be a very big deal indeed.
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Earlier in the week, I forgot to chronicle a sexual encounter with MasterDoc. It was very different than most of our encounters. I was still trying to regain confidence and calm, and he gently played with my body, gradually working his way down. He went down on me, for what was probably a good twenty minutes. It felt wonderful but I have a hard time coming from oral alone. (It’s strange how things change, I loved oral when I was in my early 20’s and came well from it.) I was eager to come and despite his giving me permission to, I couldn’t quite manage it. But then he added his fingers, and as they probed my g-spot I came. He is expert at making me feel good, and it certainly helped my mood.
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The Depression and Insecurity Struggle
Posted: January 1st, 2010, 12:58pm CET by Nadia
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This entry was started last weekend – twice. I fell into a deep depression on Saturday and I’ve taken my time figuring out how much about it I want to share.
I’m leaving out the many bits that added up and led to this but I ended up crying hysterically (yes, truly hysterically. I was gasping for air because I was crying so hard) at MasterDoc’s and being totally contrary, depressed and angry for the better part of the day. Bless MasterDoc’s patience. He did all he could to try to shake me out of it but I was unshakable for much of the day. He tried caning, which just pissed me off. *chuckle* He tried a firm hand, taking control, telling me to get my collar and get up and do some chores. That didn’t work. I was so weighted down with depression that I couldn’t move. I really couldn’t move. And when I finally got up to go use the bathroom I struggled to get to my feet and amble down the hall. It was a feeling much like when you’re heavily sick with flu and you feel like you’re moving through molasses.
But he kept at it, kept talking to me. Kept trying to reason with me through my tears. (He’s nothing if not a reasonable, rational man.) Eventually the core was reached – I don’t think I’m worthy of being loved. All the rest is window dressing for this one core truth. Sure there are times when I’m not depressed when I feel worthwhile, but depression makes me feel utterly useless and unlovable. I’ve struggled with this since late childhood.
Sometimes via writing this blog I get people telling me I’m sexy, exciting, wonderful, attractive, etc. At those times the little low self-esteem voice in my head quotes the following bit from a Neil Finn song, Truth:
“They have showered me with riches /and they say that I am worthy of their love and their attention/ but they still don’t know the truth.”
I figure why believe someone who only knows me through the blog? Even though I am extremely candid here someone still can’t know me entirely with all my foibles and full-on flaws. I can’t accept compliments. Not really. I grew up thinking that if I felt good about myself then I was being egotistical and that I should always know my flaws and work on them. (Maybe this is a residual Catholic thing?) When I started coming out of the depression on Saturday, started being more reasonable at least, MasterDoc listed a bunch of things he likes about me; and I didn’t recognize the person he described. I didn’t think it could be me. But at the same time it felt so good to be told I’m loved and wanted.
As I was slowly recovering emotionally, I had a revelation. I finally understood age play. I had always been among the camp of “that makes me really uncomfortable but I won’t interfere with two consenting adults playing how they want to play.” But jeez, Saturday night I wanted nothing more than to be taken care of like a little child. I wanted to abdicate all responsibility. I wanted to be told when to brush my teeth and go to bed. I wanted to be held and petted and told I’m loved. It was a struggle for me to do tasks MasterDoc asked me to do, having any responsibility felt like too much for me to handle. I really felt like I needed to be taken care of. I did get petting from MasterDoc and told that I’m loved, but I didn’t get the full level of being controlled and taken care of. Oh well. That’s not what our relationship is like.
By the next day I was feeling calmer and no longer suicidal. I’ve struggled with dips into depression this week but have ultimately ended the week on a stable note. Wednesday night, while MasterDoc caned me, he made me repeat after him, “I am incredibly lovable.” He made me say it a few times and made me promise that I would remember that. We talked a little about how I came to feel this way when I was young, and having a mother who was moody and wildly unpredictable had a lot to do with it – i.e., one day I’d say “good morning” and she’d be loving and we’d bake cookies, but another morning I’d say the same exact thing in the same exact way and she’d bite my head off. As MasterDoc and I talked, he asked if I had ever tried to diagnose my mother. (I have an educational background in psychology.) I haven’t really, but immediately I said that she must suffer from depression like I do. And MasterDoc wondered aloud if I ever realized that these issues were my mother’s own or if I internalized them and blamed myself. And you know, until last night, at age 37, I never had the thought that these issues were my mother’s, and not my fault. I blamed myself from a young age. I thought that I made her mad or sad.
Somehow, I forget how, he came up with the idea of a time out next time I snap at him – time facing the corner to cool down and think. I think it’s interesting how a lot of what I’m getting out of our relationship in recent weeks is sorta parenting my inner child on things I missed out on when I actually was a child. I don’t doubt that my submission has some roots in wanting to be loved and pleasing. I think it could be really healing to try to please someone who is capable of being pleased for a change.
MasterDoc continued to say wonderful things to me all evening, working on bolstering my self-esteem. I’m trying to figure out how to accept the compliments. He feels a little offended that, in a way, I should think so little of his opinion of me as to not believe it. But it’s not that his opinion is off, it’s that I just can’t think about myself rationally sometimes.
We did eventually have sex, and while I came hard as always (rowr!) I was slow to warm up by that time as he bounced between watching porn on the computer and watching basketball on tv. I had been ready for fooling around after the caning but the sex didn’t come til much later. I didn’t complain, and he pointed out that I’m patient. He fucked me, and the ensuing hard orgasm helped my already improving mood. As we watched an assfucking porn afterward, I told him that it made me want to be fucked up the ass. And yes, he fucked me up the ass then. Very hot. I lay back after each fucking and felt utterly content.
He jerked off to come, and came in my mouth again. I sucked his cock while holding the come in my mouth and gleefully dribbled it out when he told me to. I think this is my current fetish. I hope that he’ll have me rub it over my breasts or something next time.
So as I head into the new year, I seem to be dealing with a bout of depression. Hopefully I will manage to work through it like I always have in the past. Having a loving Dom will certainly help. Having a loving Davey will help too, but I think part of me needs a bit of a challenge when it comes to being loved. I feel like I need to earn it, and Davey loves me virtually unconditionally. Not that MasterDoc doesn’t, but he criticizes constructively and gets me working on improving. I think I need to prove to myself that I have earned the love I receive.
-
e[lust] #4
Posted: January 1st, 2009, 9:45pm CET by Nadia
Tags: [edit]
HNT Courtesy of Molls (via Eat The Cake NYC)
Welcome to e[lust] - your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #5? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
♦ This Week’s Top Three Posts ♦
Interrogation - I looked up at him, feigning cluelessness. “I know you can understand me. So I ask you again. Where are the lenses?” Another strike. I crumpled into the bench.
Reconciling the Identities of Feminist & Butch Top - There’s something supposedly anti-feminist about wanting to dominate. There’s something in the feminist rhetoric which says we are all equal especially in bed, so that means I-do-you-you-do-me….
Fire and Ice – The rain comes down harder around us, the freezing drop pelting whatever skin lies exposed over the surface of the water.
◊ e[lust] Editress ◊
By the Twinkling Lights… - His lips found my nipples and I forgot about the cold. If a car were to drive by and the passengers were to look past the twinkling lights on the tree, they would have seen a naked woman’s rear end pressed against the glass wall..
♦ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ♦
Ronjazz: Late Night Rendezvous - Meet me in the parking lot at the post with the broken lamp. 10PM sharp! Do not be late! Stand facing the post, eyes closed. Wear a flimsy dress and heels – nothing else!
See also: Pleasurists #58 and #59 for all your sex toy review needs
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!
Erotic Writing
The Slut Chronicles #10 ~ The Interview
Today’s Specials: Orgasms, Wet Panties, and Margaritas
Kink & Fetish
My very first experience of BDSM
Play Piercing? Seriously? Why?!?
Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships
Ask The Negress: Privacy & Perversion.
Gyne-Vestiphobia: Fear of Women’s Clothing
On My Experience With Sex Toys
Riding The Crimson Wave – Having Sex On Your Period
The Gangbang as Social Commentary
TPE (Total Power Exchange): A Novice’s Perspective
Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor
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Bondage and Being Ignored
Posted: December 29th, 2009, 11:12pm CET by Nadia
Tags: [edit]
I have a new toy to review and I got to try it out last night for the first time. It’s “behind the back restraint“: basically a collar with rings attached and a leather piece leading down the back, at the base of this leather piece are two wrist cuffs. MasterDoc put me in it and I was really quite helpless. He then decided to nap on the sofa and I was to wake him in 15 minutes. I sat there, hands behind my back and became totally aroused. I had been watching kinky porn before this, so I was already in a state of arousal but the bondage and knowing that MasterDoc had essentially “left” me there in that state while he napped down the other end of the couch got me even more worked up. I contemplated why I liked the sensation and I think the vulnerability of having my breasts so exposed and not being able to use my hands at all was the key. The idea of being attacked with nipple clamps that I can’t possibly take off myself, putting me entirely at his mercy made me squirm as I sat there.
He didn’t really nap much but did have me articulate what I was thinking. Then he conjured up a hot outfit to put me in next time we’re out in a club: my leather waist cincher, the behind the back restraint, a leash attached to that collar, Njoy pure plug up my ass, a gag and a blindfold. Wow. That is just so hot. Talking to Stacina online today she added in the idea of a skirt, panties and blouse – that would then be cut off using a sharp, shiny object (blouse and panties anyway).
I was reasonably comfortable in the restraints and I really enjoyed the helplessness. Problem was, we hadn’t set up any necessary items and I couldn’t even stand up from being on the couch with my arms like that! MasterDoc undid the cuffs and sent me off to the bedroom to set up. I was sad to be let free, but certainly it was practical so MasterDoc wouldn’t have to do the setting up.
When the bedroom was set, he lay on the bed and ended up in an IM conversation with Stacina. He had me lay behind him on the bed and amuse myself. I was already wet and playing with my myself when he laughed and filled me in on what Stacina was saying. Apparently she is rather switchy and was suggesting keeping him online talking to her for an extended period of time to torture me. Yikes! Sad thing is, submissive that I am, I got so hot thinking about that – about how they were deliberately ignoring me as I got more and more worked up. I started fantasizing about the two of them controlling me and taking turns fucking me. *fans self* I was really worked up. MasterDoc handed me the magic wand for a while and I teased myself deliciously until the wand started rendering me numb.
He finished his conversation shortly thereafter and turned his attention to me. I was stroking my clit, massaging my cunt. He lay down between my legs and watched me work myself up into a frenzy. My eyes were closed mostly but I loved the idea that he was stroking himself, getting hard while he watched me masturbate. I was feeling really wanton and loose. I think I used to hold back a bit with how horny I was feeling but now I get down to touching myself freely. Before he had even come into the bedroom I ran my hands over my breasts and stomach, passionately aroused.
MasterDoc fucked me from behind, and I held out begging to come for as long as I possibly could. These days I often just wait it out and enjoy the ride until he decides it’s time for me to come. I think I should be taped sometime for the audio track of a porn flick – I moan, gasp and squeal like crazy because I’m so turned on. Lately I like pressing my arousal to the point of near orgasm, but instead of coming I ride the wave of sensation until it ebbs enough to keep me from going over the edge.
The fucking was delicious. I did break down and beg for orgasm and shortly after he let me come. He plunged his cock deep into me as I twitched and came. After a while my vaginal muscles pushed his cock out and I squirted as he slapped my pussy. I kept writhing and coming and next he ran his hand up my back. Every little touch made me keep coming. He spanked my ass, first one cheek than the other and the pain felt so wonderful I cried out, “Yes! Yes!” as I came some more from the pain.
When he told me that I had had enough, I lay there in a daze. I thanked him for the orgasm and I must have been absolutely glowing. I stroked his chest and cuddled for a while, then he decided to shoo me out of the room while he went back online. I was so utterly satisfied that I was happy to go amuse myself with my laptop.
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Giving Credit Where Credit is Due
Posted: December 24th, 2009, 4:43pm CET by Nadia
Tags: [edit]
I receive a lot of compliments on this blog, and I appreciate them all. I put in the time and effort to write it. But I want to point out that the blog would be very, very different without MasterDoc. He comes up with the things we do, and it’s his deviant mind that provides the tales I relate here.
This reminds me of one of his favorite stories. Apparently he was out at a bdsm club years ago with his lady at the time. He did all sorts of hot, kinky shit to her and after, a guy comes over to her and says, “Wow, that was really hot!”
MasterDoc says to him, “Excuse me, but when you go to a magic show, do you compliment the wand?”
It’s time I pointed out the magician behind the magic here.
I can hear him now, “Aw babe, you didn’t have to do that.” But I’m sure at the same time he’ll be thrilled.
-
Coming
Posted: December 24th, 2009, 8:16pm CET by Nadia
Tags: [edit]
I’ve been feeling really subby the past day or so. While my insecurities scream from the back of my mind as usual, the sub in me has felt happy for MasterDoc to have fun with others when I’ve not been around. Being poly makes him happy. And I like seeing him happy. Perhaps I will manage to internalize this yet.
He had over our friend V. and our new kinky friend, Stacina, while I was at work yesterday. I certainly would have loved to be there to see V. fuck Stacina with a strap on than be at work. It sounded like it was hot. MasterDoc was then going to spend the remaining time fucking our new friend after V. had to go home but her back went out. Ever the gentleman, he set her up on the heating pad and took care of her. Of course, when I got to his place after work last night he was feeling a bit sexually frustrated. I was quite happy to be there to help him deal with the frustration.
Last night any little thing MasterDoc did that exhibited authority turned me on. When we got cozy in bed, he looked at my wishing box even though I haven’t added anything lately. (I did later that night however.) I told him that I couldn’t come up with new things to add, and he pointed out that it’s not just new things that go in there, but things that I wish we were doing more. Ah! I will keep that in mind. He read through each piece of paper and I realized that I couldn’t quite remember what was in there.
We watched some porn laying against each other, my back to his tummy and we both stroked ourselves. He reached over me and grabbed the magic wand, turned it on, and pressed it against my clit. I was so horny instantly and soon after he started he said that I can come as much as I like for the next minute.
I lost control completely as always. I squirted a little. I came over and over, being tossed like a ship on a stormy sea from one peak to the next. I can’t imagine what I look like at those moments. All I’m aware of is my entire body being gripped by orgasm. Body, brain, soul. He pulled the wand away after one minute.
I lay there recovering. And I remembered the all important, “Thank you, Sir,” in the aftermath of the orgasm he gave me.
He had me put the wedge under him and get on top but his cock wasn’t quite ready. Instead we cuddled and I stroked his cock. He talked dirty to me, taking control of the situation. He asks if I want to feel his cock inside me. Breathlessly I say, “Yes, Sir.” I moan a little and press my body against his. His cock is completely hard now and he decides on a change of plans – he has me get on hands and knees.
He fucked me while watching porn. While this was going on, I thought about how hot it is to be fucked while being somewhat objectified – for him to enjoy me while his attention is on the porn and I’m just there to plunge his dick into. I moan like crazy and could come at any second. After a good long fuck, he pulls out. He tells me: “Come” and I orgasm while he slaps my cunt. The come squirts out and splatters as he slaps. I come so hard that I start to worry I might pass out. My awareness goes hazy, it kinda fades in and out with the alternation of my breathing and holding breath. I keep saying this lately (at least to myself if not here), “I’ve never come this hard before!” like every time is even better than the last. I squirted again while coming.
After I’ve recovered, he says he wants to come, and I think that means I’ll be behind him playing with ass like most times. He says no, that I will help from in front. I focus in on his cock as he strokes it and I massage his ass and thighs. I become almost mesmerized watching him up close. When he’s nearly ready to come, he has me put my mouth over his cock and I feel the head in between my lips. He comes and I feel it spurting out of his cock and onto my tongue. A few quick spurts and I can feel the come resting on my tongue. He has me hold the come and his cock in my mouth for a while. He tells me to suck and more drops come out of his cock into my come-filled mouth.
I show him the cum in my mouth and he tells me to let it dribble out. It dribbles out too fast at first but I still had some in my mouth and did it more slowly the second time. He liked watching the come dribble out of my mouth. I liked being the dirty whore who held his come in my mouth and drooled it all over after. I later added to the box that I want to have him come in my mouth more often, that I want to be made to play with his come. I enjoyed that so much I was smiling like the Cheshire cat after.
The Enigmatic Angel
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The Enigmatically Spiritual Submissive
Posted: December 12th, 2009, 3:27am CET
Tags: [edit]
What an odd title, no?
Well spiritual things have been on my mind lately, specifically in the BDSM/kinky arena.
There are always these small bursts where sub candidates all seem to apply at the same time. And I make my careful and patient way through them. Oh yes it does take patience.
Patience, because in my mind’s eye I know exactly what kind of sub or slave I want to dominate. It has nothing whatsoever to do with physical type. Rather, it’s so much more to do with the spirit. Their spiritual side, in a way. I’ve never been interested in the odd kinky play that is the BDSM equivalent of a one night stand. I want more, much more than that. But of course it starts with a beginning. The path to finding that special sub with just the right spirit can be a bumpy path. But if my kinky eye catches that special glimpse of the quality person I seek – ah for them I will be very, very patient.
How would I describe this special spirit I seek? It is really hard to put into words. That’s something, coming for me, who values words over gold. More precious than rubies. You could say.
It’s a certain mindset. Either it’s there…or it’s not. Mind you, I’ve come across some fool’s gold in my time. Something that might look bright, shiny and promising at first glance. But then revealed as dull and unoriginal in the harsh morning light. And I’m not one to be bedazzled easily. It takes so very much for me to give that all so important second glance.
So I’ve had a couple of interesting candidates cross my path. Whether anything works out, ah no matter. I am well ready to be disappointed, but open-minded enough to explore and probe the potential of these submissive candidates, to see what may come of them.
Ah that special spirit. A quiet strength. A grace. Soulfulness expressed, even in silence. The yearning to learn, to be taught, shaped and molded. The need for pain. The need to be transported. It is an alchemic process, this. Taking the lead and shaping it into valuable matter.
It just takes the proper dash of the vital ingredient: spirit.
The sub that captures and captivates me must demonstrate spirit. I want no dull lines copy/pasted to every Domme in the universe. I want a creative soul who is attracted to ME and my essence alone. It’s most easy and difficult to ascertain what my unique essence is like. Many have been mistaken or simply not seen at all. I am She, the unique She, who offers an elegant domination for the soul, the spirit. She Who Must be Obeyed. She With Her Eternal Wisdom. She of The Enigmatic Mind. She, The Enigmatic Soul Shaper.
I will shape you. If you are worthy. If you show me the grace of your movements and soul. I will shape you into whatever toy or tool I wish. I will shape your thoughts until they are filled with Me. I will shape you into the submissive that will crave and beg for my touch, my punishments and rewards. I will shape you with pain. I will shape you with tenderness. I will shape you into my creature. I will shape you into the you, you have the potential to be.
I will shape you, sweet spirit. Sweet soul.
Prove yourself worthy of my shaping process.
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FetLife's Kinky Holiday Treats & Kinky Kontest
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 2:24am CET
Tags: [edit]
Hello Kinky Folks!
'Tis the season...to be kinky! Fa la la...la la la laaaaaaaa!
Especially when FetLife is giving away almost $25, 000 worth of kinky presents.
Oh go on....you know you want 'em!
I certainly do and did. Still drooling. Yum.
Step 1
Sit on Santa's lap and tell him what you'd like for the kinky holidays.
Choose your three favorite toys in Santa's bag.
Step 2 // The Last Step
Tell Santa if you've been naughty or nice!?!?
Santa knows… he's perving your pics. :-p
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now watcha' waiting for?
Go sit on Kinky Santa's Lap and register to win:
Kinky Santa's Lap
Kinky kisses,
Angel
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Step 1 Sit on Santa's lap and tell him what you'd like for the kinky holidays.
Choose your three favorite toys in Santa's bag. Step 2 // The Last Step Tell Santa if you've been naughty or nice!?!?
Santa knows… he's perving your pics. :-p So what are you waiting for, step on over to Santa's lap and choose your treats"
Kinky Santa's Lap
Kinky kisses,
Angel
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An Enigmatically Gagalicious Fetish
Posted: December 7th, 2009, 3:18am CET
Tags: [edit]
It was an odd thing the way this just struck me.
Anyone who knows me, knows I dislike following the mainstream.
My taste is the alternative layer of the alternative layer, multiplied.
But a sound and a vision slipped through and snuck in.
I was fascinated and drawn in, almost against my will.
It was like witnessing and being in a car crash at the same time.
And still wanting more.
Two words, simply put: Lady Gaga.
I love her videos, her creative vision, her ridiculously catchy, contagious and absurd beats and lyrics.
She's crazy. She's weird. She's fascinating.
The fetish gear and fetishes. The dark & kinky story lines of her music videos.
Just look at her face. Odd features. Plain if you wash away all the dramatic make-up.
But an interesting canvas.
Is she a she/he? Transgendered? A woman? Who knows.
And this Lady business.
It begs the question: Is she really into BDSM, what with the honorific title and all?
Or is she just a shrewd marketer who knew how to create her vision, make it appeal to the masses, with flirting with the deeper end?
Just for fun, I searched on Fetlife to see what fetishes and kink can be found related to her, because surely amongst the kinksters and BDSMers there are the ones who worship at the Haus of Gaga.
Yes kinky folks she is on FetlIfe!! She's here.
That's if she turned back the clock (all of 18 years old) and moved to Rio.
Oh and other fun gagalicious-related FetLife stuff:
One Fetlife Group:
OMFG... I just fucked Lady Gaga: A survivor's support group..
Two gagalicious fetishes:
And if you want to LIVE in Gaga:- Gaga (Samoa)
Here is something I never do.
I am posting a video with this, just because.
The video is simply gagalicious and must be.
Kinky kisses,
Angel
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lust
Posted: November 29th, 2009, 2:37am CET
Tags: [edit]
whispered in my ear
teased my skin and smiled
connected my dots in new, unusual ways
stopped by to say hello and said don’t be a stranger
shared a sexy joke
gave me that look and then walked away
wants to be my intimate new best friend
says it doesn’t have to mean anything
turns my head at passing women and men
pops up where you least expect it
whips up an interesting mélange of vanilla and kink
gives me that déjà-vu sense right in that spot
laughs when I take it too seriously
laughs when I don’t take it seriously enough
wants to be my Mistress and slave at the same time
enters like it owns the joint
leaves me literally hanging on the line
makes me forget to breathe
lust
is back in town and don’t you know it.
***Angel
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Fare Thee Well, Sweet Sugasm and Hello Exciting e[lust]
Posted: November 25th, 2009, 5:52pm CET
Tags: [edit]
Hello Kinky Folks,
I was quite saddened when Radical Vixen decided to take a long sabbatical from editing the Sugasmic Sugasm. I hope one day, the Sugasm may be back.
In the mean-time, e[lust] is following in Sugasm's exciting footsteps by having a similar kinky round-up. Thanks to Dangerous Lilly for creating the brand-spanking-new and exciting e[lust] project. Love the fresh new design as well. Will be looking into contributing for future issues.
Please see below for e[lust]'s exciting debut!
Kinky kisses,
Angel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
e[lust] #1Welcome to the first edition of e[lust]! Below is your source for inspirations of lust and sexual intelligence from a wide range of sex bloggers. Want to be included in the next edition? Submission period opens for e[lust] # 2 on November 20th – subscribe to the RSS feed and Twitter for all updates! Check out the submission guidelines and rules of general conduct here.
This week’s top three picks as chosen by fellow e[lust] participants:
At Your Service - His hand pushes on my thigh and I turn away from him, allowing him to inspect my ass. His hands spread my ass cheeks and again I flood with wetness.
Cinderella – “‘I want to fuck you…’ he growled, nipping at her neck and kissing down over her breasts, biting at her nipples through the fabric, making her cry out.
Anal Sex Pt 2: The Ins and Outs of Butt Sex - Butt sex is what you make of it. Enjoy yourselves, be careful, and try everything that looks interesting.
Editor’s Pick:
The Slut Chronicles #5 – The Flight Delay – “When her eye caught his blatantly checking her out, he only grinned wider, with no remorse at all and it was she who blushed furiously.”
A note from the editor: And so it begins…
See also: Pleasurist’s #54 for your sex toy review needs.
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!
Erotic Writing
Just A Little Taste
Older and Better Than Ever
Good Morning
Your Eyes
MFM: The Student. The Teacher.
Get Me Off
The Club & Introductory Note
Don’t Come
The City
Howl at the Moon
Rimjob
Consumed
The Devil Inside
One of the Greats
Room ServiceKink & Fetish
A Busy Night
Bad Taste?
Protocols
The Illusion of Beginning: Pt 1
“You hit me…”
Reconnecting
Too Many Buttons
Nadia’s Wishing Box
The Mason Jar
So Sexy BootsThoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships
Swing Shift Vol. 18 – Safe Sex and Getting Tested
Libido Resurrection Programme™
Check Up
Oh, Baby, Baby
UnderRated: Fucking the MindSex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor
Vixen Invites
I’m Quoted in Time Out NY!
Top Five Tuesday – Euro Studs
She Makes Me Feel Like a Whore
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A BDSM Romance
Posted: November 9th, 2009, 1:53am CET
Tags: [edit]
There is something romantic
about the soft glow of ropes
underneath the moonlight
There is something romantic
about the slithery feel of a flogger's tresses
mapping the pale canvas of quivering flesh
the supplicant on their knees
brushing a kiss on an hand with scarlet-daggered nails
There is something romantic
about hair twined around a hand tight
as a finger teases the sensitive skin
on the back of that vulnerable neck exposedThere is something romantic
about the deep pools of need and want
silently begging from expressive craving eyes
There is something romantic
about the soft & silent stripping away of
all clothes and defenses
There is something romantic
about an old-fashioned slave
moving courteously, anticipating, gracefully
with simple elegance
There is something romantic
ah the romance
about one soul reaching out
to another soul
for guidance
for wisdom
for possession
for ownership
the dance
between the dominated
and the Dominant.
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An Enigmatic Taste: Ten of the Kinkiest Science Fiction Books You'll Ever Read
Posted: October 20th, 2009, 1:18pm CEST
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I was thinking about two of my favorite things today: kink and Science Fiction.
I've always enjoyed fantasies that combine both. Both stretch the imagination in new unexplored territories. Combined, they can be a double whammo.
Hmm have you ever looked at the photos from those Sci Fi geeky conventions and noticed just how many sexy costumes there are? Oh yes, ooodles.
Sometimes I wonder how my brain started to combine both.
Perhaps it was the fact that the first kinky/BDSM books I came across happen to be from the Gorean universe. Perhaps.
Well, I was thinking of kink and Science Fiction and thought I would share a delightful list I found on the net today.
I've read three out of the list of ten. Some that I haven't read sound intriguing...
and some sound rather hilarious.
It mentions one of my ever faves, Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel's Dart.
More on the Kushiel Legacy series later, kinky folks.
Enjoy,
Angel
Ten Of The Kinkiest Science Fiction Books You'll Ever Read
By Annalee Newitz
When you finally sneak away from family gatherings this weekend, you're going to want some adult science fiction to take your mind off things. That's why we've got the ultimate holiday counterprogramming for you: 10 kinky science fiction novels that you can hide in your book bag or e-book reader and enjoy late at night when the kids and parents are in bed.
Kushiel's Dart, by Jacqueline Carey
The first novel in a trilogy about Phedre, a spy/courtesan whose two superpowers include learning languages really quickly and a preternatural ability to experience pain as intense sexual pleasure. You'd be surprised how many times erotic masochism comes in handy as Phedre and her fighting monk sidekick journey through an alternate history of the middle ages. Can they stop an evil takeover of the sexually-liberated kingdom of Terre d'Ange? This is one of those rare books that is a good adventure mixed with really hot sex scenes.
Kinks: Sadomasochism.The Witching Hour, by Anne Rice
The first and by far the best of Anne Rice's interminable Mayfair Witches series, The Witching Hour is the tale of a powerful, randy demon named Lasher who has attached his fate to a family of Louisiana witches. Full of the gothy, historical-crunchy goodness that made Rice a superstar before that whole Jesus thing, this novel is about Lasher's mega-hot dalliance with our main character (he's polymorphous and invisible - you do the math), as well as the history of his love affairs with her ancestors going back several generations. Witchy ladies and sexy ghosts in Louisiana? You can't say no.
Kinks: Mind-control sex, incest.Returning Creation (from the High Couch of Silistria series), by Janet Morris.
If you like to see ladies brought low, and then raised up to be worshipped, and then brought low again, then the "High Couch of Silistra" series is for you. Set on a planet of psychically-gifted people who embrace sexual diversity and peace, the series is focused mainly on sexual slavery and war. Our heroine is a prostitute (a noble calling on her world) who holds the "high couch" of her town - basically, she's the sex duchess. Unfortunately she's always being kidnapped or taken to other worlds where she's tied up, forced to have degrading sex, and (of course) has lots of tearful, shame-faced orgasms. Silly and pulpy, the first novel in the series is basically a swashbuckler with kinky bondage thrown in between sword fights. Also, there is a giant flying cat.
Kinks: Sexual slavery, bondage.Gorean Saga, by John Norman
The 26 novels in John Norman's Gorean Saga no doubt inspired the "High Couch" series by Morris, as well as influencing an entire generation of kinky nerds who love to tie each other up and play slavery games. "Goreans" have been acting out their BDSM fantasies online since the days of text-only chat rooms, and they were the first group to buy an island in virtual world Second Life. Find out what all the fuss is about by checking out these novels about a nerdy academic who travels to a parallel world called Gor where all women are in bondage and all men can have their way with these collared, scantily-clad lovelies. All the Gor books are available in e-book form here.
Kinks: Sexual slavery, bondage.Extraterrestrial Sex Fetish, by Supervert
A demented, hilarious, and theory-geekish tale of Mercury De Sade, who fancies sex with aliens and sets out to tell you, the reader, exactly how to get what you want out of every possible type of alien creature. Creepy in parts, this isn't really a book intended to get you off so much as to make you think about the mechanism of desire itself. Packed with weird interpretations of French philosophy related to alien life, this is a book that will take your breath away if you get off on post-structuralism and humping ET.
Kinks: French philosophy, sex with aliens.Touched by Venom (from Dragon Temple Saga), by Janine Cross
If you want the full effect of these sexy-disturbing novels, you really have to read all three of them. Zarq is a young woman on a planet where dragons are sort of like a combination of cows, horses, and heroin. The winged creatures are a form of transportation, but people also eat their eggs and their super-addictive venom, which turns them into blissed-out, horny sluts. And even better than eating venom, which grows on dragon tongues? Well, it's actually having those dragons stick their venom-tongues deep inside your you-know-what place.
Kinks: Bestiality, drugs.
Lilith's Brood, by Octavia Butler
More alien sex awaits you in Butler's trilogy about an alien species that wants to merge with humans on a biological level. The aliens have three sexes, and their third sex has the ability to tap into your nervous system and give you the most amazing braingasm you've ever had. It can also remix genetic material to create human-alien hybrids. These novels are smart, politically-charged tales of what happens when humanity is colonized. But they also contain several scenes that manage to be both erotic and integral to our characters' development.
Kinks: Mind control sex, incest, tentacles.The Pleasure Tube, by Robert Onopa
A guilty pleasure, Onopa's novel is about a conspiracy on board a special ship called "the pleasure tube," where you experience perfect happiness and sexual fulfillment while your brain is plugged into a computer. Mostly it's just a 1970s cheesefest, filled with lots of drugs and interchangeable hot ladies in crazy outfits. But there are also a lot of fun "we will plug this into your brain's pleasure centers" moments too.
Kinks: Swinging, cybersex.The Velderet, by Cecilia Tan
If you've never experienced Tan's erotic science fiction writing, then you are in for a treat. Not only does she write the hottest kinky SF you've ever read, but she even runs a small press called Circlet that's devoted to erotic SF books. The Velderet is one of her masterpieces, about two people who go into a virtual world to find partners for the BDSM sex that's forbidden on their repressive planet. But then a race of aliens arrive to conquer their planet, and not only do these aliens practice kinky sex, but it's the foundation for their entire social system. So our kinky outlaw heroes are the best-equipped people on the planet to deal with the alien menace. Come for the sex, but stay for the awesome tale of alien invasion. The Velderet is available as an e-book from Circlet.
Kinks: Sadomasochism, cybersex, gender-role swapping.Saturn's Children, by Charles Stross
from http://io9.com/
The tale of a sexbot trapped in a vast smuggling conspiracy, Stross' novel is a veritable wonderland of kinky fun. Our heroine Freya is designed to be a sexbot, so she experiences everything through the medium of sexuality, including spaceship rides and pretty much any humanoid she meets. Highly recommended, though be warned that the sex is mostly played for laughs rather than hotness.
Kinks: Incest, robot sex, sex with furniture, sex with spaceships, sex with anime characters.
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Through An Enigmatic Looking Glass
Posted: September 27th, 2009, 1:20am CEST
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So many thoughts of men. So many thoughts of women.
And so much in between.
I've been taking a mini hiatus from all things kinky lately, as I've been thinking of the dark path I've walked so far.
So many questions and more questions. Often I am surprised by the answers.
What do I want? So many things. And very little. There is a simplicity to my thoughts.
And a multi-layered complexity as well. I am ever a contradiction. In this, and in other aspects of my life.
I was reading a piece of writing filled with yearning tonight and it made me think of my own dark desires. Those I've tasted. Those I've fantasized about. Those that were not meant to be. Those that I left behind. Those that did not evolve as I evolved.
Where do I go from here, I ask myself.
There are so many voices out in the BDSM bloggers' universe, filled with so many different emotions. And different desires.
What we all have in common is our need to be heard, perhaps.
This enigmatic little place is one. With the sound of my enigmatic voice. Truth be told, at times I am even an enigma to myself. But that's not a bad thing. It's exciting, this discovery and unveiling.
I don't know where I'll go tomorrow.
But I'll post a postcard from the next enigmatic spot in my dark voyage.
Later, my kinky readers.
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Tasting The Sugasm...Sugasm #172
Posted: September 8th, 2009, 6:27pm CEST
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Another week I´m in the Sugasm, kinky folks!
And in a BRAND spanking new category.
Thanks to Radical Vixen for changing the category title to "Erotic Poetry" on my suggestion.
Savor the Sugasm, kinky folks.
Angel ;)
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Sugasm #172The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #173? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.
This Week’s Picks
A Hot Fuck in a Parking Lot
“We got more daring and soon clothes were a hindrance to our insistent hands.”I Think I’d Rather Misbehave
“I bet the secret thrill of this has your cock already climbing to attention.”The Painter
“He says something, small talk, and I stutter something back, lost in the blue depths of his eyes.”Sugasm Editor
Strildo?Editor’s Choice
Yet Another Reason You Should Buy a Vibrator(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)
Erotic Poetry
Enigmatic dance (*******My Sugasmic Entry!********)
Loved It.Erotic Writing & Experiences
24 Hours To Cum
Be Careful What You Wish For…
Desire
Embarrassed, Amused and Turned On
Helping Hand
HNT 4 (and a savoury story)
Masturbation Madness
Mornings…
A much needed fucking…
Now She’s Giving The Orders
Shopping Day
This is Lolita on drugs (2)
This Is My Remedy
The Year 39 Update
You don’t want biographical info. I know what you REALLY want.Sex Advice
Anal Play: Fingering
Brush Up Your Orgasm
Shay’s Condom TipsNSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Burns of punishment
Famosas azotables
Fit to be Tied
Free Heidi Montag Playboy Pictures – September 2009
Learning the lesson…
Naked and CanedBDSM & Fetish
4 Scenes
Collar, Cuffs And Clamps
Driven by lust….
Honey Pass Me the Nut Cracker
The Negress Natters: Submission.
The perfect body for three-minute pornSex Humor
How Many Licks?Thoughts on Sex & Relationships
The Confession…Coming Soon
Half-Nekkid Heavenly Body
In Search of…. my Clitoris
Is this the dark side of porn?
(Mis)Adventures In Dating: Do You Know Who I Am?
Nonstop Orgasms – HER PerspectiveNews, Reviews & Interviews
Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin
Icegasm Kit
Top Five Tuesday - Win 1000 FREE Porn Minutes
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More Thoughts on The Enigmatic Belgian Fan
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 11:25am CEST
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I think anyone who has a
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FEEDJIT widgit on their blog, will have an Enigmatic Belgian fan of their own.
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enigmatic dance
Posted: August 29th, 2009, 4:28pm CEST
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You & I
oh what an enigmatic mix
when I look in your eyes
I see a reflection of me
and my own eyes
hold a reflection of you
we mirror each other
our hands dip
together
tracing the bossanova beat
that lazily passes through
the air
and us
we don't even need words
the smile is the same
the raised eyebrow is the same
the slightly wicked laugh
that promises bad things under the moonlight
is the same
the soft sigh that slips out
is the same
even the names are not important
when the basic nature
is the same
there is no need to speak
when it feels so good to savour the mystery
there is no need for questions
when there are plenty of answers
in the movement, the sway of the body, the eyes knowing look
ah
this is what happens
when you let yourself be free
one enigma to another
floating on an enigmatic sea...
***Angel
(inspired by one of Sinner's sinful songs)
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An Enigmatically Dynamic Education: Marketplace Author Laura Antoniou & Educator Midori ~ Authentic Power Dynamics and D/s Workshops
Posted: August 29th, 2009, 2:21am CEST
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Be still my kinky heart.
I am always on the prowl to see where interesting BDSM Workshops are offered around the world. Recently, I added a new category to my Enigmatic Angel Lists blog: Tasty Courses & Workshops Around The World.
And of course, I have long been aware of Midori's workshops around the world. Many local BDSMers have participated in her Rope Dojo workshops. And I've been subscribed on her mailing list forever.
And yes, I did know that Laura Antoniou and educator Midori were well-acquainted, seeing as Midori wrote an introduction to one of my favorite Laura Antoniou Marketplace books.
But here is an item sent to me through the calender listings of Midori's mailing list,
that almost made my kinky heart stop:
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urchinTracker();NEW! D/S PROTOCOL WEEKEND WITH LAURA ANTONIOU & MIDORI
(Washington DC & Toronto)
WHAT: "Passionate Bonds: Weekend Intensive for Conscious D/s & Protocol"
WHERE / WHEN:
2 Locations / Dates
- November 6 – 8, Washington DC
- November 20 – 21, Toronto, Canada
COST: $450 first person in the order. $400 for each additional individual.
Registration for both locations open September 18th at
http://www.FHP-inc.com/classes.php
Join Marketplace author Laura Antoniou and educator Midori for a special weekend
intensive designed for people who enjoy authentic power dynamics and D/s,
who want to consciously create quality relationships that suit their
personal hungers and needs in the context of the real world.
Far beyond what you can learn from a book or a standard seminar,
participants will be guided through a special curriculum designed to
clearly identify their value system, behavior preferences and relationship goals.
Through the unique curriculum and its innovative tools, each individual or
relationship unit will create their own customized manual of effective protocol,
rules, etiquettes and codes of conducts.
Class size will be strictly limited to allow for a unique quality experience
emphasizing individualized attention.
Q&A
Q. Do I need to bring a partner?
A. No! Anyone may attend, partnered or not.
Q. I am fairly new and my partner and I are exploring options. Is this for me?
A. This is perfect for you; come on in and discover your passions.
Q. I have been in the Scene for a while and I have considerable experience.
Can this be helpful for me?
A. Absolutely. Crystallize your experience and desires into a tangible and
intentional format, which will allow for greater success in your current and
future relationships. Come and reacquaint yourself with the dreams and desires
that brought you into the scene, and find out things about yourself and
your partner(s) you might not have seen before.
Q. My primary and I have a submissive – can all three of us come?
A. Pricing for this intensive is purposefully set to allow for “relationship units”
of every size; this is by no means ‘couples only’!
Q. Is this a play event? Will there be play parties?
A. While the Passionate Bonds weekend won’t be hosting play parties,
the local play space will be great to go and explore. The weekend’s emphasis
is on the heart and mind of creating an on-going D/s-based relationship,
so get plenty of sleep and be prepared to think! There will be sections
where physical actions of protocol will be studied and acted out.
Beyond that, we encourage the attendees to create their own playtime as
part of the weekend.
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OK there is the very first item for my Enigmatic Angel Wish List:- 1 pass for the November 20 – 21, Toronto, Canada, workshop!
Spoil me with this, my enigmatic admirers, and you will become my new kinky best friend!
Kinky kisses,
Angel
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1oo Enigmatic Things About Me
Posted: August 25th, 2009, 10:33pm CEST
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- I taught myself to read between the ages of 3-4.
- I learned to read thanks to Sesame Street.
- 3 languages I've studied, that I'd like to take courses in again: German, Spanish & Italian.
- I need to make a few wish lists.
- I'm a big kid at heart.
- I have a lot of fantasies about dominating men I still want to realize.
- I have a lot of fantasies about dominating women I still want to realize.
- I have a lot of fantasies about black men I still want to realize.
- I have a lot of fantasies about black women I still want to realize.
- My biggest turnoff is super-aggressive Dominant men who have no imagination.
- I hate would-be submissives that approach me who show no imagination.
- My submissive side is profound and deep.
- I am super-protective of my submissive side and rarely show it publicly.
- I want to learn so much more about rope.
- I think I'm weird most of the time.
- I'm fascinated by weird things.
- I'm fascinated by shadows.
- I'm fascinated by mysteries.
- I'm fascinated by both sides of pain.
- My fantasy vacation would be to go all over Asia.
- My real name sounds more exotic than my scene name.
- Many women use my real name as their scene name.
- I love having my feet pampered in so many ways.
- I don't have my feet pampered as often as I'd like.
- Many of my BDSM fantasies take place in a Science Fiction/Fantasy scenario.
- I can't get enough of foreign films.
- I can't get enough of kinky films.
- When it comes to reading I like to multi-task, often reading 3 books at the same time.
- I've reread some books so many times, they seem like old friends.
- I've seen some films so many times, they seem like old friends.
- I have no piercings or tattoos.
- I'd like to get some piercings done.
- I love trying different foods from different ethnic groups.
- I drink very little alcohol.
- I have a blue collection made up of many blue things.
- I just can't have enough corsets.
- I just can't have enough sexy shoes.
- I'm an avid collector of lists.
- I'm an extremely private person who is careful of my private space, in the real-world.
- I'm an extremely private person who is careful of my private space, in the cyber-world.
- As a teenager I was too damn smart for my own good and liked to squash people who underestimated me.
- I am the most gentle person in the world.
- I am the most curious person in the world.
- I have many favorite teas and coffees.
- I love a good rosé wine.
- I wish I was a better cook.
- I love when someone cooks for me.
- I have a very small number of really close friends.
- I have literally hundreds of acquaintances.
- I'm a very out-going and social person.
- I am also an introvert with a shy side.
- I like things to be done just-so to my taste.
- I love the feeling of an adrenalin rush,
- I love to observe human behavior in any arena.
- I am an INFJ, also known as a Counselor Idealist, found in only 2% of the population (apparently).
- People have been surprised many times by my intuition.
- I have many alternative spiritual beliefs.
- I'm fascinated by people who have alternative spiritual beliefs.
- I have a fear of heights.
- I've pushed myself to experience heights, despite my fear of heights.
- There are so many kinky toys I'd still like to try.
- My taste in submissive candidates can be rather eccentric.
- Lately I've been fascinated by the colour pink.
- I still read children's books sometimes.
- I love kids but have no interest in having any kids of my own.
- I love French accents.
- I've never been to France – but would love to.
- Lots of people have complimented me on my French accent.
- I'm a photography nut who loves to shoot.
- I still haven't found the camera equipment of my dreams
- I love to write and blog.
- I've been writing poetry since....forever.
- I love reading awe-inspiring poetry from other poets.
- I can get inspired by almost anything.
- I sometimes get bored easily.
- There are so many courses I'd like to take.
- I still haven't found the job of my dreams.
- I prefer subtle things that leave a little to the imagination, than graphic things that are in your face.
- I still get turned on by graphic things though.
- I love to see two men kissing.
- I love to see two men making love.
- I love to see two women kissing.
- I love to see two women making love.
- I don't own enough porn.
- I don't own an ipod.
- I think gadgets are interesting, but I own few gadgets.
- I'd like to learn how to play the guitar one day.
- I like the way I sound when I sing but almost never sing in public.
- I love long hot candle-lit baths but rarely make the time for them.
- I love a great foot massage.
- I love a great massage.
- I like to give people compliments not to gain anything, but because it feels good.
- I am very discriminating about who I compliment.
- I am extremely curious about who the Enigmatic Belgian fan is, and would love to hear from them.
- My taste in music encompasses a whole wide universe of sound.
- I love to meditate.
- I love to meditate in nature.
- I love living life in the big city.
- I've lived in the same city all my life.
- I love reading other bloggers' lists about themselves.
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alchemy
Posted: August 22nd, 2009, 5:21pm CEST
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I turn your flesh, your spirit, your soul
into something other
somewhere you soar
in your half-state
chasing a delicious wicked thought
I whispered in your ear
before
you were leaden
your world
grey dull silent
now
you shine like gold
that has been lovingly buffed
by caring tender hands
what a glimmering shimmering light you shine
as I send you away far away
on a journey of bliss and discovery
shine on, shine on
newly born one
I will nurture you
in your evolution
as you follow your quest
I will bring you far
off into the stars
now spinning in your mind
I am the Mistress Alchemist
of your
fate.
***Angel
(inspired by Liras and her transmutable blog)
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A FetLife Munch: An Enigmatically Slapping Good Time
Posted: August 22nd, 2009, 11:59pm CEST
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Ah it was good to be back, back in the public kinky waters of Montreal.
Attending the FetLife Munch felt like kind of going home again.
I was happy to see a few of my favorite usual suspects. Like my good friend and some time *evyl* co-conspirator Mystress Lady Evyl, and one of my very favorite couples in our local scene MsV (our gracious hostess) and Master Andre, her fellow whipmaking partner.
Oh and what fun it was to slap hello my fellow Switch drakor, who I hadn't seen in awhile. I do believe that small slap put a little twinkle in his eye. And what are friends for? :)
It was also fun to meet some intriguing new people, including a warm & entertaining couple of out-of-towners.
And you never know where the conversation can lead during a Munch. Topics ran from the Intellikilt ( you just had to see it to believe it) and the legendary practical jokes between John Baku (boy wonder founder of Fetlife) and MasterZChicago.
I picked a great event for my return to the public scene - laid-back, fun & funny conversation with fellow BDSMers and kinksters, over some tasty seafood and steak. I actually liked the fact that it was a smaller crowd as well, was easier to talk to people.
My plan had originally been to go on to one of the other many happenings in town. Three other tempting events in the dark side were also going on during the night. I was really interested in finally attending one of KinkMontreal's little happy hours, which was scheduled a bit later on in the night. But seeing as I had a vanilla date planned for the morning, I decided to call it a night, as my fellow Munchers went each to continue their wicked evening with more dark fun in the night.
It felt good to be out again and happy I was to be in the kink-friendly Gay Village.
Being back in the Village made me remember how much I love roaming around that neighborhood. I love seeing all the wonderfully exotic range of gender-bending human creatures who stroll through the Village on a hot summer night.
Little snapshots caught my attention as I headed off home.
There a couple of gorgeous young boys casually walking together hand in hand.
Oh and a bashful pretty girl in a summery cotton white dress, eyes meekly looking down. Her black leather collar and silvery leash attached making a lovely contrast. Ah how tempting it was to just reach out and take that leash....somewhere.
And I headed on home still smiling my Mona Lisa smile filled with secret thoughts and thinking how very interesting my life is these days.
It's so true how life brings such wonderful things when you have no expectations.
Kinky food for thought,
Angel
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An Enigmatic Angel's Return To The Public Kinky Life
Posted: August 21st, 2009, 12:20am CEST
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Today, I was trying to remember when was the last fetish or BDSM public (or even semi-public) event that I've attended. And you know what - I was stumped.
I think it may have been last year's Kinky Festival, which was a watershed for me in many ways. Lots of good and bad and light bulb moments there.
I was fortunate to attend 2 Kinky Girls' Night Outs in the past 6 months, which were just wonderful kinky-girl-bonding moments and so much fun.
But in terms of fully public events, it has been ages.
But tomorrow night, Friday August 21, will be my reentry into all things kinky, on the public stage. I will be attending the FetLife Montreal Munch, hosted by the ever gracious Ms V, who I am happy to call my friend.
Thinking of attending? Well check out the details here, through the FetLife discussion about it.
And if you do sign up, be sure to ask where to find a certain Enigmatic Angel.
I will be the one with the Mona Lisa smile, sitting in the corner there.
Kinky kisses,
Angel
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A Kissably Enigmatically Poetic Blog
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 4:35pm CEST
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If there is one thing that inspires a poet, is sublime poetry from other poets.
During my enigmatic travels, I recently found a blog filled such such sensually addictive poetry, it just made me sigh with a soulfully-deep contentment in my enigmatically poetic soul.
What do you get when you have a union between Cupid and Psyche?
A voluptuous blend of eye candy and soul food.
Join S. in her kissable journey so slowly and deftly unwinding in her Voluptas universe.
Just had to share this.
Kinky kisses,
Angel
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The Enigmatic Belgian Fan
Posted: August 15th, 2009, 2:37am CEST
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Qui est-tu?
Dit moi.
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doucement, softly
Posted: August 15th, 2009, 11:35pm CEST
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doucement
je te vois
doucement
je te touche
doucement
je te comprends
doucement
je te prends
doucement
softly
I see you
softly
I touch you
softly
I understand you
softly
I take you
softly.
***Angel
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the body symphony
Posted: August 13th, 2009, 11:43pm CEST
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it began somewhere,
sometime
eyes glancing off of eyes
the barest skim of fingers
across bare skin
that small sharp intake of breath
when that frisson of excitement
passes through
the shy tremble riding its wave
across the anticipating body
a word or two on a page
that made the heart skip a beat
for a moment
the voice breathing into an ear
that knowing voice
small delicate movements
in the body symphony
created the initial landscape
of desire and hope and wishful things
building the crescendo
both wish will never come
because the waves consume
body mind soul in too many
delicious ways
ah
hold that moment
hold that thought
hold that feeling
tightly curled inside
unfurling ever so slowly, sensually soft
tortuously tenuous
delightfully painful in its intensity
hold it hold it hold it
right
there.
*** Angel 08/12/09
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she
Posted: July 2nd, 2009, 2:41am CEST
Tags: [edit]
i remember the first time
a girl
flirted with me
i love your perfume,
she said
with a smile
my skin
my scent
she leaned in to me
and breathed
me in
i remember
her long glossy dark hair
her long manicured fingernails
and her smile
when
she said
good-bye.
*** Angel
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A New Kinky Little Experiment I Started: BDSMBloggers Twibe
Posted: June 26th, 2009, 7:40pm CEST
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I came across this fascinating new concept on Twitter the other day.
The Twibes phenomenon.
So what´s a twibe?
It´s a collective of people from Twitter who gather ´round to tweet together.
I thought this Twibes idea was worth exploring and when I looked around, I didn´t see a Twibe for BDSM Bloggers....so I started one:
[www.twibes.com]
I liked the thought of BDSM Bloggers all gathering ´round a virtual fire sharing their kinky stories...and heeding the call & pull of kinky jungle drums.
There is so much potential there for different dimensions of activity and collaboration. Who knows where this may lead?
It´s also great to see a list of BDSM Bloggers....of BDSM Bloggers who use Twitter.
Check out our new kinky new twibe and join us for a yarn or two around the kinky fires.
Kinky kisses,
Angel :)
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Tasting The Sugasm...Sugasm #167
Posted: June 26th, 2009, 7:30pm CEST
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Ooopsies!
Forgot to repost this Sugasm from the previous week´s!
Well you know what they say...
Delayed gratification makes it all taste better..;)
Another week I´m in the Sugasm, kinky folks!
Savor the Sugasm.
Angel ;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sugasm #167The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #168? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.
This Week’s Picks
Every Time You Orgasm, An Angel Gets Its Wings
“There is nothing that screams “fuck you” to the pain and the hurt in the world than screaming “fuck me” to the person in your bed.”HNT: Spanked
“I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. But tonight, I was sure.”A Thousand Kisses
“This wasn’t enough. I knew that I had to try something else.”Mr. Sugasm Himself
Congratulations, you’re invited!Sugasm Editor
Sex Work And Honesty: ReligionEditor’s Choice
Food, fun and commitment(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)
BDSM & Fetish
Bending over for some harsh cane stripes
Digging a hole, is that the way you treat me
Lick me
Preparing for Punishment: part one
Puppy’s first visit
A Salute to Masturbation May
SF Treat
Subs: How to NOT Apply
That Look
Thoughts about the play party and Femdom.
Under 40 ~ The New Kinky Bar ************MY POST***************
What Kind of Submissive Are You?NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Chloe
HNT
Love HNT Part II
So Many Stripes
Valentina Vaughn
Video Q&A #1Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Dementor
Fat Ass Betty
Full Circle
Going where no one has gone beforeSex Humor
Adventures in Craigslist (and a belated HNT)Erotic Writing & Experiences
Ass-tute
Conversations about Crossdressing (Early Morning Version)
A Feast of Cock
Gender Fuck
Her Favorite Positions - The Conclusion
I Can’t Get No…Contraception
Lessons from an Orgy
Lilly’s Turn - Part 2: Wherein One Good Turn Deserves Another
Mirrors
Must be the weather…
New Perspective
Party.
Picture of Propriety
Playing with Dolls
Please don’t book me ever again
The Poet Surrenders
Rebirth In An Orgy
The Synestheatre
Wet dream at the airport-part1
A Wicked Birthday BangSex Advice
How to be bisexual on the internet
How to Give a Tantric Breast Massage
Sometimes You Need A Break…News, Reviews & Interviews
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It’s Good to be the Intern
Kink Interview: Thomas’s Spanking Exploits
LELO Luna Beads: Because You Deserve Them
Product Review: Intimate Organics Energizing Fresh Orange & Wild Ginger Foot Foreplay Lotion
Top 5 Tuesday - Sun, Sand and Smut!
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dreaming
Posted: May 22nd, 2009, 1:05am CEST
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my mind took me
elsewhere
i saw you there
i tasted you
i kissed your salty skin
my teeth wanted to take a bite
but my lips won
and traced the side of your face
sometimes
the tenderness comes out
sometimes
i just dream.
***Angel 05/22/09
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Under 40 ~ The New Kinky Bar
Posted: May 19th, 2009, 12:15pm CEST
Tags: [edit]
It was a blog post on KinkySexLink, the group blog that I contribute to, that triggered my thoughts on the age factor, in the local BDSM scene & BDSM/Fetish audiences in general.
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the fetish events in town (that´s the fetish ones - not the BDSM ones) have a majority of young kinksters. And honestly, alot of the marketing is geared at that demographic.
I see more & more events and things being organized for the under 40 (and under 35 crowd). I even saw an interesting kinky vampire movie casting call out recently - and all the female characters were young.
Is that what people want to see? Do these young kinksters who keep getting younger, all want to run away from the older pervs?
I´ve heard that even expressed from friends as well, that emphasis on looking for someone/something young & hot.
I find this highly ironic in some ways. In my vanilla life, about 90% of my friends are younger than I am. I still feel like a kid myself inside. I have no problem relating to those younger friends. And they seem to get something positive out of my friendship with them.
I don´t feel old, but lots of segments in our society would classify me as old because I´m 40. What is 40 supposed to feel like? I don´t feel old. If anything, I actually felt freer & younger when I turned 40. It´s the fearless factor I think. Suddenly I didn´t give a damn about many things and just want to drink life in. It´s been great.
But I remember being in my 20s and thinking 40 was ancient. Hmm maybe I should scratch that. Looking back, I dated/saw/played with several men who were in their 40s, when I was in my 20s.
I see that age attitude today, in the local kinky scenes.
Oh yes, there is a good strong contingent of the 40 + and even 50+ crowd.
Personally, I feel comfortable talking to everyone young, old & everyone.
But I don´t understand this great prizing of the young, hot kinksters - why so many seek this young flesh to play with and preference for it. I prize maturity over youth. By then again, my ideas of beauty in general I have come to realize so many times, are quite different from the norm. I have been with many different kinds of men. Some men that I was seeing that made women jealous because they were perceived as being ¨gorgeous¨, others who may have seemed ordinary to different eyes. All of them had something special for me. Just as my taste in women is quite different as well.
So where is this kinky age thing going?
When all those aging kinky babyboomers retire from the scene, will the kinky youngsters inherit the earth?
Kinky food for thought.
Angel
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a submissive's musings
-
Resolutions
Posted: January 1st, 2010, 4:59am CET by libby
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Yet another reflective post, this one about how well i kept last years' resolutions and setting new ones for this year. But i think it's the time of year to be reflective and thoughtful isn't it? And i know i always do much better when i have some goals to strive towards, so i think this is an important process for me. Oh, Happy New Year everyone! i prolly should have said that at the beginning, but my mind is kind of everywhere at the moment. Anyway, here goes...
My resolutions for last year were:
#1. to blog frequently, aiming for at least 25 posts per month.
#2. to spend more quality time with flame.
#3. to beat the pnd thing, get rid of it completely and move on.
but #1. then got changed to:
to maintain a healthy balance between my 'slave', 'mummy', 'wife' and 'nursery nurse' roles.
Of the 3 amended resolutions i feel that i have kept #1 and #3 really well. i was signed off by my therapist and doctor as recovered from the post-natal depression back in February, and since then there have been no signs of relapses or anything like that. If anything, i have continued to grow in happiness and contentment since then, apart from the usual bad days which everyone gets. When i look back on it now it's almost like it was someone else who battled through the pnd, not me, because it's hard for me to imagine feeling like that when i have such a wonderful family to love and support me. i'm just hoping that it doesn't return after the birth of our next baby.
As part of beating the pnd, and a continuation of last year, i also feel that i have done really well in balancing out and fulfilling all the many different roles and responsibilities that i have. i think i am a good mummy to Poppy and manage to devote enough time to her for her to be happy, healthy, thriving and ahead with her development. i think i have also settled into my new role of 'wife' pretty good, although to be honest there hasn't been a big change from what i was doing before. i have coped well with going back to work part-time, and have been able to give my full focus to the children whilst i am there (i was a bit worried that i would be too distracted wondering if Poppy was ok, but that hasn't been the case as i know she is just down the corridor and in good hands), and i have been finding time at weekends to plan and prepare for sessions. And i feel that i have developed further as Sir's slave this year, completed some parts of my training (particularly in the humiliation and play with Dommes categories) even if i didn't actually get any signed off as 'passed'. It's been difficult to find the time for training this year, hence the slow progress, and i guess next year will be the same, but i do hope to get at least some aspects 'passed' in 2010. We'll see...
The resolution i didn't do so well on this year was spending more time with flame. We had a couple of patches this year where we seemed to be lacking the usual connection between us, where we drifted apart for a while, but each time we have sat down and chatted about it and mended things between us. There's plenty of reasons why we haven't been able to spend as much time together as i would have hoped for - including illness and health problems on flame's part, me being too focused on working on my training in the chatrooms rather than talking to her, flame getting collared by a new online Master and needing to spend time with Him, preparations for the wedding and returning to work being on my mind and distracting me too much, etc, etc. But all of those are really excuses, and i want to make a better effort this year to deepen my relationship with flame. Online is the only method of contact we have, so i need to really try hard to spend quality time with her when we're both in the chatroom together. Otherwise i run the risk of losing her, and that's definitely something i don't want.
OK, onto resolutions for this year:
#1. to deepen my relationship with flame by spending more quality time with her whenever possible. As part of this i will try to ensure that she gets first dibs on me when we are both in channel, that i make the effort to sit with her and chat with her and flirt and scene with her, and also that i try out other methods of keeping in touch such as sending cards and letters.
#2. to extend my use of this blog to help me deepen in my slavery. i want to comment more on other blogs, use more questions and surveys and quizzes, put up polls and analyse the results, reflect more on things i've read or other people's posts, take part in discussions, etc. i feel like sometimes this year my blog has got a bit stale and boring, and when i read back through it it wasn't as useful to me in documenting my thoughts and feelings and progress as it has been in other years, so i need to get back to that.
#3. to be more proactive in my slave training and seek out ways in which i can develop myself. i intend to spend more time working on the areas that Sir has set me, even when it's not an official training time, and i want to think of ways in which i can develop myself as His slave - by researching and reading, by practicing things, by learning new skills, by thinking of new ways to serve Him. i realise that this year i have put too much emphasis on Sir training me, when really i should be using His guidance to help train myself, so that's what i want to do next year.
So there they are, my new resolutions. As part of these, especially 2 and 3 i would really appreciate questions, discussion topics, ideas, etc. so please feel free to leave these in comments. And good luck to everyone else who makes resolutions! -
review of the year 2009
Posted: December 31st, 2009, 10:26am CET by libby
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As is now traditional, i'm using the last day of the year to look back at the events of the last 12 months, and sum up each month in a few sentences or so. i've decided to pick out a few key sentences from blog posts for each month, then write about what happened to me during that month and how i was feeling. And i'll put a slideshow at the end :)
~ January~
"In the last week or two it feels like i've really turned a corner with this whole pnd thing, and how instead of battling through it like i was i feel like i've fought through the main part and am now slowly and carefully picking my way past the remaining potholes to the smooth ground up ahead."
"You know what? i think i may have finally cracked the 'guilt' thing. It's taken a while, but i've finally realised that i'm allowed to be human, even though i'm a mummy and a slave and wanting to be the best of both that i can."
In January i was still fighting with the pnd, still having bad days and needing therapy, but there was a light at the end of the tunnel and i think the above quotes show how my thinking was changing and i was able to come to a more realistic assessment of my situation. In other good news i received several emails that month requesting online friendships from subs who were readers of my blog, and i am still in contact with a couple of them. But in less great news, Sir, Poppy and i were involved in a car crash - luckily none of us were hurt but it did cause me to take stock of my life and i think this was probably the deciding factor in helping me to break free from the last remaining vestiges of the post-natal depression.
~ February ~
" It feels like i'm at one of those points in your life where everything starts anew."
"Sooooo today i am feeling happy, relieved, and proud of myself for what i've achieved. And just spending time appreciating the wonder that is my beautiful baby girl."
i remember February as being a very positive month - the pnd was officially gone and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. For the first time in ages i was able to simply enjoy being with my family and i was looking forward to what the rest of the year would bring. To commemorate my new-found appreciation of Poppy, we had a family photo session done and the gorgeous results are hanging in our lounge :) This month we also had lovely celebrations for Valentine's Day and Sir's birthday, and it suddenly snowed heavily which gave Poppy her first real chance to help make a snowman!
~ March ~
"It seems to have come round quickly, but today was my first mother's day as a mummy and i really enjoyed it."
"With all of the preparations for our wedding we have been making recently, becoming Sir's wife has been on my mind a lot."
When i look back on March, it seems to have been a quiet reflective month where i did a lot of thinking and re-evaluating. But at the same time i was really busy getting things ready for the wedding so i suppose there wasn't much time for anything else! i do remember appreciating Spring a lot more than normal though, probably because it reflected my own emergence from a period of gloom and darkness. And i think Poppy started getting properly interested in animals round about then, which lead to some nice trips out to farms with her.
~ April ~
"i think Easter might just be my favourite celebration of the whole year because it's so pretty and you get lots of chocolate and there's pictures of sweet baby animals everywhere."
"my New Year's resolution about posting at least 25 posts per month on this blog has been scrapped."
On the whole, April was a good month and i particularly enjoyed Easter (though i think i may have been exaggerating to call it my favourite celebration all year!). But things started getting really stressful this month too when i went back to work part-time, and for much of the month i felt like there simply weren't enough hours in the day for me to get everything done. The upcoming wedding was making me feel tense and nervous that things wouldn't be ready in time, and i was trying to adjust to going back to work as well as keeping up my commitments to Poppy and flame and Sir and the new training with Ma'am and the blog, so something had to give. In the end it was my resolution to post at least 25 times that gave, and looking back i think it was a good decision, though i did have to be coached through it by Sir because i was feeling that i'd failed and let everyone down.
~ May ~
"This year everything is different. Yes, i still feel sad when i think of Joshua, but it's more of a distant sadness now, and i know that he's in a good place and he's fine where he is."
"It is getting easier to fulfill Ma'am's wishes now, which i am soooo relieved about because there was a point when i thought i would never get it."
After the struggles of April, May was a much easier month, even though it was Joshua's anniversary. It really hit home to me just how far i had come with the pnd and everything when i was able to get through the anniversary of us losing him without any problem at all. There was also Poppy's first birthday to celebrate, which was a truly lovely day with a big party in the garden for all her friends and family. And we were able to start doing more things with her, like going to the seaside, which was great :)
~ June ~
"i think this sums up the reality of slavehood better than i ever could - it takes some time to get there, it's something which evolves and happens to you rather than an overnight change, it involves some pain and wearing away of the old you, and it only happens to certain kinds of people who can endure the process, but it makes you beautiful to those who appreciate this kind of thing."
That sentence was based on a quotation from 'The Velveteen rabbit', and it's still one of my favourite quotes ever, so much so that we had it read out at our wedding. i think June was another reflective month - looking back on my personal progress as a slave and looking forward to the changes to come once i became Sir's wife. Other than that i was busy with the last few bits of wedding preparations and looking after Poppy was was very mobile and very chatty by then!
~ July ~
"Well we finally got married after all that waiting and dreaming and preparing, and it was a truly wonderful day, even better than i dared hope it would be."
That's the only thing that i remember about the month of July - our wedding day. It's like nothing else happened at all that month, but i can remember every single detail of that one day as if it was yesterday. i hope i can always remember those details because it really was a fantastic day, and i enjoyed myself so much and felt so proud to be becoming Sir's wife. And we were able to incorporate all the subtle little BDSM associations to make it even more meaningful for me and Sir and our D/s friends.
~ August ~
"As i stand here before you, i offer all of me, body, mind and soul. i give you all that i have - myself, my love and my total commitment. Just as i have given you my hand to hold, so i give you my life to keep. With deepest joy i come into my new life with you."
"i had my 30th birthday while we were away on honeymoon, and it makes me feel really old to have turned 30. i know loads of people are going to tell me that 30 isn't old at all, but for some reason it seems like i can't possibly be 30 - that's an age that other people reach but not me, and i should stay in my 20's forever."
The first quote is from my wedding vows which i wrote myself with some help from the internet, and during the month of August i was coming to realise exactly what those vows meant as i settled into my new role as 'wife' as well as 'slave' and 'mummy'. We were away for most of the month on honeymoon, which was the best holiday experience of my life, with so many highlights and special moments. But the most fantastic day of all was my birthday because Sir really spoiled me with a spa treatment, posh meal and a casino evening! It's funny reading that second quote now though, because 30 no longer seems all that old - perhaps i've grown into it in the last few months?
~ September ~
"As i get more experienced as a slave, i find myself becoming more judgemental and cynical of others who claim to be living the same lifestyle, though i try really hard not to fall into the 'my BDSM is the one true way' camp, sometimes i do slip into the 'there are many types of BDSM lifestyles, but i don't believe yours to be one of them' camp."
"i just wanted to reflect here on the 3 years i have been collared by Sir, because when i look back at how i was then and how i am now there are some big changes. One of the biggest changes is to do with attitude, both in how i think about myself and how i think about my slavery."
Yeah, September was another thinking month, where i reflected a lot on how much i have changed since first getting to know Sir. And we also celebrated our 3 year collaring anniversary, which brought home to me once again just how lucky i am to be Owned by such a wonderful Master.
~ October~
"Something i've discovered... i can't submit properly to a Domme when i'm feeling even a little bit pissy."
"i have been contacted by a reader of this blog to ask if i will consider being her mentor! At first i was like 'me?' because i can still have a tendency at times to think of myself as new and inexperienced, but when i look back at this blog and how far i have come and all the experiences i have had and things i have learnt, i realised that i am neither new nor inexperienced."
i think the realities of adjusting to life as an owned slave-wife-mummy were getting to me a bit this month because i remember feeling quite emotional and tense at times. But there were good moments too, such as the request to be a mentor, and the first ever Halloween party i have organised and hosted, which was a great success!
~ November ~
"i am libby, 30 years old, and i identify as a mother and a slave - both real-life, live-in, full-time."
"Being ill with the swine full this week has really brought home to me what is important in my life - Sir and flame, but most of all Poppy."
i got sick with the swine flu in November, and was forced to stay in bed for a week, feeling pretty rough and being kept apart from Poppy so she didn't catch it too. But i recovered fine, and it gave me a chance to reflect and reassess my priorities in life, as can be seen from the quotes above. And it made me realise that i'd like another baby, so i discussed it with Sir and we made some baby plans :)
~ December ~
"i just wanted to say that this had been a truly great Christmas and i feel so blessed to have such a special little family."
"So i went to the doctor this morning, and he confirmed that i am pregnant."
December was a really great month and a lovely end to the year, despite the fact that my emotions were rather up and down - it turns out that there was a good reason for that, i fell pregnant straight away after stopping my contraceptive injections, and we are now eagerly looking forward to our new addition. And we had a really lovely family Christmas with Poppy and got to see the rest of our families during the holiday week too, so a lovely end to an on-the-whole good year!
Here's hoping 2010 is even better :)
-
survey of the year - 2009
Posted: December 30th, 2009, 11:39am CET by libby
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Answering the usual questions about this year, like i did for 2008, 2007 and 2006.
1. What did you do this year that you've never done before?
Got married! Also started pilates classes and training with a Domme in real-life. Oh, and i cooked Christmas dinner by myself too, which i'm really proud of.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?i'm going to write a more in-depth post on this soon, but with the amended resolutions (i had to change one of them halfway through the year because trying to achieve it was stressing me out too much) i feel that i kept 2 out of the 3 of them really well. The one i didn't do so well in i'm going to set as a priority for next year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth this year?
No, not that i can think of.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
One of the children in my room at nursery died which was very upsetting.
5. What countries did you visit this year?Spain, Croatia, Italy, Greece and Gibraltar! On our honeymoon cruise, which was great fun.
6. What would you like to have in the next year that you lacked this year?
Another baby :) And also more time to spend with flame - that's going to be one of my top priorities for this next year, getting my relationship with flame back on track.
7. What date from this year will remain etched upon your memory and why?4th August because i turned 30, which seems really old to me!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Successfully beating my post-natal depression, because with that gone i have been able to truly enjoy Poppy.
9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i had swine flu for a week, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been and i recovered really well with treatment.
10. What did you get really, really, really excited about this year?
Christmas, because Poppy was able to appreciate it a lot more this year and i was free from the post-natal depression which was weighing on my last Christmas.
11. What song will always remind you of this year?'Twinkle twinkle little star' - Poppy's favourite song and the first one she learnt to sign and to sing. Whenever i hear it it will always remind me of her growing up into a toddler.
12. Compared to this time last year are you:- happier or sadder? :- richer or poorer? :- thinner or fatter?
Definitely happier because the pnd is gone and i am looking forward to the birth of my next baby. Probably about the same financially, and probably about the same weight though that will change soon!
13. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spent quality time with flame, and i seem to remember saying that last year as well which is another reason it has to be a priority for me next year. i can't afford to lose her, she's too important to me.
14. What do you wish you'd done less of?
This is a tricky one. Been bratty and cheeky in the chatrooms i guess because that's got me in trouble a few times this year, though i was only ever meaning to be playful.
15. Did you fall in love this year?No, but i remained in love with Sir and flame.
16. What was your favourite TV program for the year?i enjoyed 'Strictly come dancing' and 'the X Factor'. Big Brother was ok but not as great as it has been in the past. And i caught up on Lost on DVD boxsets too - still fantastic!
17. What was the best book you read this year?
Didn't have much time for reading, but i have started to re-read the Wheel of Time series, and those books are great.
18. What was your favourite film of the year?
i enjoyed the latest Harry Potter, and also a couple of 3D films - Up and a Christmas Carol. Can't remember seeing any others.
19. Who was the best new person you met this year?
i have made quite a few new email friends through my blog, so i would have to say them.
20. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned for this year.
There is no such thing as a perfect mother, but i can be and am a good one :)
Coming soon: my review of the year (month by month complete with a slideshow at the end), plus a post on how well i kept this year's resolutions and setting new ones for next year. -
another 20 questions
Posted: December 30th, 2009, 7:06am CET by libby
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subtletimes recently posted 20 BDSM questions on her blog, so i thought i'd play along and answer them:
1.Your role?i am a real-life slave.
2. Current relationship?Owned by my first ever Master, who is also my husband and father to my children (one yet unborn).
3. Your favourite type of play?Changes all the time, depending on my mood. But i most love bondage, hogties, being taken from behind, anal use, clamps and clips, nipple torture, pain play and floggings.
4. Your most hated type of play?i hate the wooden pony much more than i thought i would, and i often hate humiliation play when it's occuring though i like it after.
5. The most annoying habit of your Owner?Sir doesn't have many annoying habits, which is good. But He does sometimes get peckish and devour half the fridge, including ingredients for meals i've planned for later in the week, and then doesn't tell me. Which is really annoying when i come to prepare those meals and suddenly find out i'm missing half the ingredients. He does do other things as well which i guess people in vanilla relationships would find annoying, like leaving his dirty clothes and wet towels strewn all over the place, but because i'm His slave i just see it as my job to pick them up and launder them.
6. Your deepest fear?That something will happen to Sir, that we will be parted somehow. Otherwise i'm most afraid of dogs.
7. Your most memorable public experience?When Sir took me to a play party for the first time, and i had to walk round in a rather revealing outfit, and He even got my titties out at one point to show someone. Otherwise i haven't had many public experiences yet, it's something Sir plans to work on in future.
8. What gets you in the mood?Many things - it can be a certain look or tone of voice from Sir, something He says or hints at. And i'm pretty visual, so seeing erotic pictures or videos or perving at Sir will do it everytime!
9. Favourite method of masturbation?Not allowed to masturbate without permission, and not allowed to choose the method when i do. But i do like my Lelo Lily vibrator.
10. Scariest thing you've seen or heard of in BDSM land?Not going to name any names, but some of the things i read about on other people's blogs scare me sometimes. And anything to do with cutting or breath play scares me a lot.
11. Number of hours you spend on iFet when you should be doing other things?Don't know what that is, but if it's related to Fetlife i'm not allowed on there. i am lucky with my internet privileges but i have to be careful to only come on here when i am allowed to, and never let it interfere with other things, otherwise Sir will start taking those privileges away.
12. Thing that was hotter in fantasy than it was in reality?i used to love watching all the clips from WaterBondage.com, but when Sir did some water torture/play on me it was too cold and too intense for me.
13. Most longed-for experience?i really want to try fisting, but we'll have to put that on hold until after i've had this next baby and properly healed. It looks hot though.
14. Ouchiest toy?the tower of pain, or the wooden pony or this nasty flogger Sir has that really feels like it's cutting.
15. Book or movie that every newbie has to read/see?Prolly 'Screw the roses, send me the thorns' to read, not sure about seeing maybe 'The Secretary' though i haven't seen that myself yet.
16. Thing you'd most like to change about yourself?i would like to have more self-confidence, though i have got much better with that since knowing Sir.
17. Thing you're most proud of?The way i have been able to balance my mummy and slave roles so well. There have been a few hiccups, but mainly i think i have achieved a good balance :)
18. Funniest Dom name you've ever heard?Lots of the Dom names online make me giggle, but i'd better not post them here incase they read this. Things like 'LordMasterDomoftheWorld' though.
19. Do your friends and family know?Only my sister does, and she approached me to ask about it. None of my other family or vanilla friends know, though i do have a BDSM 'family' and friends, and they all know of course.
20. Is 20 questions too many?
i thought it might be, but it's been quite quick to answer them, so no maybe not.
If anyone else would like to play along, please leave your answers in a comment or post a link to where you answer them on your blog :) -
Also...
Posted: December 28th, 2009, 11:57am CET by libby
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i keep writing a post and then thinking of more things to add - it seems the pregnancy hormones are fuzzling my brain already! Over the Christmas holidays i have been able to cross off some more items on my 101 list:
#6. i planned, prepared, cooked and served the whole Christmas dinner myself this year! Although i have been involved in cooking Christmas dinner before i've always had someone else to help me but this time i was determined to do it all myself, and it went really really well. The turkey was lovely, cooked just right, and all the vegetables were done how Sir likes them (though i did nuke some in the microwave for Poppy who prefers hers soft and mushy). We had lovely gravy and stuffing, though i did cheat and get packet mixes of both, but i did make my own pigs in blankets. And i did 3 kinds of potatoes and they were all nice except the roast could have done with crispier skins. Oh and for starters i did prawn cocktails, and for pudding we had Christmas pudding, trifle, mini yule logs and mince pies! And cheese and biscuits and coffee after! We were stuffed, but i'm so proud of myself for achieving this one.
#27. over the holidays we had a lazy day where we just sat and watched DVDs all day while Poppy played with her new toys - so we managed to watch the Lord of the Rings films from beginning to end again, like we've done before, snuggled on the sofa together, and it was great :)
#79. and #7. one of my Christmas presents was a big book called 'The encyclopedia of the earth' with loads of photos and information about the world. Already i have browsed through most of it, and learnt loads and loads of interesting stuff, so i have definitely improved my geographical knowledge! Another present i got was a slow cooker, and i have had a couple of tries at using it so far, which have worked out really well. i want to get a cookbook to find out how to use it properly, but i think i can safely sign this one off now. -
baby stuff
Posted: December 28th, 2009, 6:36am CET by libby
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So i went to the doctor this morning, and he confirmed that i am pregnant. From my dates, he reckons i will be due about 8th September but that could be amended once i start being scanned and stuff (like it did last time). i told him that the line on the pregnancy test was a lot stronger than last time with Poppy even though i did the test at the same point in my cycle, and he said that shows this baby is eager to come because it prolly means that i ovulated earlier in my cycle and the baby settled into the womb earlier too :)
He took some blood and some urine for tests, and i have an appointment to go back and see him in 2 weeks' time. Everything else looked fine today - my blood pressure and all the other checks that he did were 'good' apparently. He is going to be keeping a close eye on my thyroxine and iron levels because both of them got low last time, but now we know to watch for them he says we should be able to catch it earlier this time. He has started me on a prenatal vitamin to be taken everyday like last time, and given me some sheets on dietary needs, but to be honest Sir was so good at working out meal plans for me last time that i think i'll just go with His advice again.
So far i'm feeling really good. Sir has already started rubbing bio-oil into my bewbies, though they're not really growing yet just getting sensitive and achy. And He has plenty to rub into my belly bump once that starts expanding! i'm really looking forward to this pregnancy, but a little bit apprehensive too about how Poppy will react, and whether i'll be able to manage her and the new baby. But we'll deal with that when we come to it. Sir and i need to discuss arrangements for when Poppy goes full-time at nursery, when and how we tell her about her new brother/sister, when we move her into the other bedroom, etc. But for now we are just enjoying the news and letting it sink in. We have told our families though, and will be letting our friends and work colleagues know the good news when we see them after the Christmas holidays.
Oh, and we've got a shortlist of 3 names for each sex: Alfie, Finn or William for a boy, and Annie, Kaitlyn or Jasmine for a girl. And i've decided not to keep a separate baby blog like i did last time, all baby news will be put onto this blog so sorry if you're not interested in that stuff. i just figured that like the pictures at the top show, this blog is about all aspects of my life so i should be able to write about whatever i like here - family stuff, D/s stuff, baby stuff, health stuff, work stuff, everything :) Oh, and it's not too late to leave me a voice message using the gadget in my sidebar - i'd love to hear from you! -
Our Christmas
Posted: December 27th, 2009, 11:15am CET by libby
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Somehow Christmas seems to have snuck up on me this year, because all of a sudden it was here, and now just as suddenly it's all over and done with. But i wanted to take the time to write about our family Christmas because we really did have a lovely one this year.
Part of that was to do with Poppy, now that she is 19 months old she can enjoy Christmas a lot more, and even though she didn't fully understand it, she did appreciate all the decorations and songs and was looking forward to 'Ho ho' bringing her lots of toys. And she did get LOTS of presents this year - infact there were so many that we actually stopped giving them to her halfway through on Christmas morning and saved the rest till Boxing Day as all the excitement of opening them (and trying each one out) was getting too much. A special thanks to one reader who sent her a Hamleys voucher again, she absolutely loved the toys we got her with that! :)
i'm not going to write about the presents that Sir and i received. We got some lovely things, and i was totally spoiled again and very very lucky, but this year even more than ever i feel that Christmas wasn't about the presents, so listing everything we got here seems a bit pointless. Instead i'm going to write about one of my favourite moments over the holidays. It came on Christmas day, when we were watching Poppy open some of her presents. Of course to her the wrapping and the boxes are almost as exciting as the gifts themselves, but this year she was much more appreciative of the actual presents themselves. It was so lovely to hear her exclaiming in surprise and delight "book!" or "paint!" or "bus!" as she unwrapped each item (and of course demanded for it to be taken out of the packaging and batteries fitted so she could explore it). Then in the middle of all this she suddenly toddled over to me and snuggled herself into my lap. i was surprised, but she seemed happy enough so i asked if she was done with opening presents for now, and she signed "finished" and said "lubs you mama" then curled herself in for a hug. i guess at that moment a mummy cuddle was more important to her than any of the exciting new toys she got, and i love her so much for that.
i could go on and on telling you about those moments this Christmas that i will remember always, such as when Sir and i (and Poppy) laughed and laughed when He was changing her nappy and a surprise poop oozed out all over Him and her and the table (the result of too many brussel sprouts i think). Or the absolutely magical moment when i put Poppy on the lap of my 99 year old grandma and they sang songs together, even though my nan can hardly hear or see anymore. Or how it made me cry when i came back into the lounge to find Sir and Poppy curled up under the Christmas tree together, looking up through the branches and whispering to each other about 'Ho ho' and 'nays' (reindeer) and snow and stockings. But i know that those moments mean so much to me because of how much Sir and Poppy mean to me, and i don't want to bore everyone :) i just wanted to say that this has been a truly great Christmas and i feel so blessed to have such a special little family. And in other exciting news, Sir and i found out today that we are expecting another addition to our family - i am pregnant just like i suspected (according to one of those home pregnancy tests, but i'll get it confirmed with the doctor in the week). So 2010 is already looking like a very exciting year!
i hope everyone had a great Christmas and got to spend time with the ones you love, and i wish you all a fantastic new year, full of everything you wish for :)
libbyxxxx -
wishing for different wiring?
Posted: December 22nd, 2009, 9:09am CET by libby
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Recently someone on another blog (can't remember who and can't find it now, which is really annoying) wrote about how sometimes they wished they were 'wired' differently, i.e. they wished they could be non-kinky and not feel compelled to act in certain ways. i think that was the gist of it anyway, because i've spent a long time thinking about this since so it might be a bit muddled by my own thoughts. But basically my question was/is 'would it be better to be wired differently, to be vanilla?'
Normally i would say 'no' because i don't think vanilla is better than kinky or the other way round. But something happened the other day which made me rethink that a little. Sir had just finished using me (too shy to write the details here), and on His way out to the bathroom to clean up He glance over at me, chuckled and said "what a dirty little slut". As soon as He went out of the room i burst into tears and couldn't stop because at that moment i felt so disgusted and ashamed of myself. i hated the fact that i perform all kinds of 'dirty' and 'perverted' things for Sir, hated the fact that they turned me on and i got pleasure out of them, hated the fact that i had to keep this side of myself secret from everyone around me including Poppy, hated the fact that i couldn't just be 'normal' and chat to my friends about vanilla sex. i couldn't even explain those thoughts for quite some time to Sir when He came back and asked me what was wrong. i just felt so confused because on the one hand i was so disgusted with myself and wishing i could be different, yet on the other hand i was feeling so happy and content with my life with Sir and wishing it would never change.
Gradually the disgusted feeling went away and i slipped back into my usual headspace of contented slave again. But the little lingering doubts remain - not whether i want to be a slave or not, because i know i do, i know it's what fulfills me the most, what i was meant to be. But whether it would be 'better' if i hadn't been born with this need to be a slave, if i could have been 'normal' instead and attracted to vanilla men and enjoyed a vanilla lifestyle and marriage? In many ways i know it would be easier to be vanilla - no more hiding things from my friends and family, no more being careful what we say and do around Poppy so she doesn't pick up on it, no more rules and restrictions and training. But as soon as i think of that i start to wonder whether those vanilla people aren't missing out on something by not being in a BDSM relationship, because i think the connection, the trust, the honesty, the devotion and the loyalty are so much deeper and more intense in a D/s relationship than in many vanilla ones.
So my answer to the question has to be 'i don't know'. Maybe neither is better in the end. But i'm sad to report that i had a moment where for the first time i was properly ashamed of what and who i am and really really wished at that moment that i had been born with different wiring. Anyone else care to chip in on this? -
What a sweetie
Posted: December 19th, 2009, 6:03am CET by libby
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Just a quick postto tell everyone how incredibly proud i am of my little girl, and how everyday she does something to amaze and surprise me.
Earlier it got a bit quiet on the Poppy front so i went to see what she was up to and found her sprawled out on her tummy next to the rabbit's cage, 'reading' one of her favourite books to him whilst showing him the pictures through the bars. And the cutest thing of all was that the rabbit was laying in his cage next to her, happily listening to her chatter and seeming to pay attention to the things she was pointing out to him in the pictures! When she heard me come in, she looked up at me and said all proudly "look, babbi read!" (babbi=rabbit) which is one of the most complex sentences she has said so far, and i was just so overcome with the absolute cuteness of her right then that i laid down next to her and we spent the next hour sharing books with the rabbit together.
i love my little poppet so much, and feel incredibly blessed to be the mummy of such an amazing little girl :) -
Oh
Posted: December 18th, 2009, 3:11am CET by libby
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In not such great news i have a new lesson in 'libby's learning folder' related to the incident which happened the other day. Although Sir understood why i was upset, He was disappointed that i got cross with Him and seemingly refused to accept His decision for a while. (It wasn't really that i was refusing to accept it, i was just struggling with trying to understand it, but i know that it must have come across that way because of my actions). i apologised to Sir as soon as He got back from His walk with Poppy, but the damage was already done by then and i half expected a punishment or at least some discipline from Him. But Sir has decided that a new lesson in my folder will be enough, so here it is:
"libby is to accept all of her Master's decisions without question and in good grace, even when she doesn't understand the reasons behind them."
Sorry Sir, i know You were only looking out for me and Poppy in the decision You made and i should trust You more. i will try hard not to let it happen again. -
Snow day
Posted: December 18th, 2009, 2:47am CET by libby
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Today our nursery is closed because of the snow, so Poppy and i are now officially on Christmas holidays! (The nursery is open next week, right up till Christmas eve, but not my unit because it operates during school term-time only, but i booked Poppy that week off ages ago because i wanted some time to get me and her all nice and prepared for Christmas this year, especially as i'm attempting to cook the Christmas dinner myself for the first time ever!) Sir has gone into work today, but He says He'll prolly come home early especially if it snows some more as our driveway goes through the middle of a farmer's field so can be quite tricky to negotiate in the snow.
So i've got permission to be online some today (normally during the week i'm not allowed to use the computer unless i've specially requested to in advance), and i thought i'd do a couple of posts to catch everyone up to where i am at the moment, before the busyness of Christmas takes over! These last two weeks have been really lovely at nursery because the children just love this time of year. The nativity production went really well again this year, with my special needs kiddies singing and signing 'away in a manger' just beautifully and making most of the audience cry. Because we'd practiced it so much with them beforehand they were fairly calm on the actual day, and there were no tantrums which is always a good thing. Poppy wasn't in the show this year as she is too young, but from next year she will be taking part and i can't wait!
We've had loads of other Christmassy events too, and it's been so nice to just watch the kiddies faces when we do them - we made decorations to put up round the room, did lots of Christmas baking which we ate some of and sent some home, grew winter hyacinths to send home as presents to mums and dads, listened to the nativity story and acted it out with sweet little wooden characters, had a party with loads of food and games, had Father Christmas visit us to give out presents to each child, went on a trip to see the Christmas lights and all the goodies in the shops, tried roasted chestnuts, sang Christmas songs and carols, and loads more. Everyone is very tired now though - staff and children - and eagerly counting down the days on our advent calendar until Father Christmas comes and we all get a nice rest to celebrate with our families.
So today me and Poppy are all nicely snuggled up inside, looking out the window and watching it snow some more. Later on we're going to go out in the garden and make a nice snowman then come back in for hot chocolate to warm us up, and i think we'll have something nice like soup for lunch to keep us all warm and toasty. i could really do with nipping down to the shops later to get some food in, but i should prolly wait till Sir gets back and we can use the car. Oh and in other exciting news, i think i may be pregnant again!! i know some people think you shouldn't announce it until you're safely past the 3 months mark, but i'm just so excited i won't be able to keep quiet for that long. It's too early for me to take the test yet, but in a week or so i'll be able to and then i can let everyone know whether or not i am officially expecting, but all the signs are there (moody blues for no reason, itchy feet (that happened last time with Poppy), tender bewbies, going to pee more often than normal). If i am preggie that would mean that i conceived almost immediately after coming off my contraceptive injections, but then i always have fallen pregnant easily with Sir (the last 2 times i was still on the pill when it happened!). So further news on the baby front when i have it.
Have a happy Christmas everyone if i don't get to post again before then. Oh, and some people have emailed me to ask if they can get me anything for Christmas - it's a lovely thought but Sir won't give out our address, so if you want to give me a present perhaps you can record a voice message on my little gadget thing in the sidebar - i would loveeeeeeeeee to get some more of those! -
What do you do........?
Posted: December 13th, 2009, 5:40am CET by libby
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....... when your Master makes a decision that you are really desperately unhappy with?
Normally i would say that as a slave i have to put up and shut up, but this situation is a bit different because it involves someone i care deeply about, someone who i class as part of my family, someone i love just as much as Sir but in a different way.
You see someone close to me is in a bit of financial trouble, and they are not doing anything for Christmas because of this - no dinner, no presents - they may lose their car, internet access, water, electricity, even their home, they've been to every agency and source of help they can think of but have been turned down for various reasons, neither of them can work for health reasons but only one of them is entitled to benefits and it's just not enough for them to live on. Sir was contacted by someone who knows this person and their family, and asked if He would loan them some money to help them out of their situation, but He has decided not to as it's quite a large amount and He doesn't really feel we can spare it just when we're planning to expand our family and all.
i tried to change Sir's mind when we had a free-talk session about it this morning, but He is adamant and standing by His decision. He won't give me all the reasons why, He just says He knows He is making the right choice - for us and for the person involved - but it really doesn't feel like it to me. And it's so hard to just sit by and watch as this person so close to me gets depressed and stressed out and ill because of all these problems, and i'm sitting here enjoying a lovely family Christmas with all the trimmings knowing that they are not. i even considered sending the money myself out of my wages, but then i found out that they need £1000 and i don't have that amount to send. Even if i sent a lesser amount it wouldn't be enough and then i wouldn't be able to contribute to the mortgage and the bills and everything, and i would be expecting Sir to find that money from somewhere to make up for my shortfall and i don't think He has much savings left after our wedding and the expense of having a baby. And then Sir categorically banned me from sending any money of my own, because He must have been able to see what i was thinking, which made me so frustrated that i just sat there and cried. He is changing the rules by saying that because it states that my wages are mine for me to spend on whatever i want to after contributing to the mortgage and bills, and i know that if i was allowed to send the rest of my wages for the next few months that would do something to help the situation. But i've been told i'm not allowed to and it just makes me feel so helpless.
i've gone from feeling frustrated to feeling upset to feeling confused to feeling angry. i don't understand why Sir is doing this, why He won't help this person and why He won't let me help either. i know He can change the rules, or add to them or make exceptions anytime He wants, as He is the Master and that's His privilege, but it's really hard for me to accept. So i've shut myself off from Sir while i struggle to make sense of all this and come to some acceptance of it, and Sir has taken Poppy out to give me some time to calm down.
So my question is what do you do when your Master makes a decision wihich you totally do not agree with, and which affects someone you care about deeply? -
new baby plans
Posted: December 13th, 2009, 5:20am CET by libby
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** i started writing this post a few weeks ago at the beginning of November, but never got around to finishing it, so decided to leave the first paragraph as it is and then add to it. Hope that won't get too confusing!**
Feeling very excited today because Sir and i sat down this morning to discuss plans for expanding our family. We had already decided that i won't have any more contraceptive injections once my current one runs out, which will leave me free to get pregnant from December onwards, and we had already discussed that we wouldn't hurry things, we will just let our next baby come whenever he/she is ready to, but it's so hard for me not to be all excited and willing for me to get pregnant quickly now we have definitely made plans for another baby. It means that by this time next year hopefully i will be pregnant, or maybe even have a new little one if i fall preggie really quickly like i seem to have done before!
The other things we have discussed with regards to our family plans are that Poppy will move into a 'big girl's bed' in a few months time, and when that happens we feel that we should also move her into the other bedroom at the same time. Part of me is worried because that's a big change to happen all at once and i'm not sure she will cope with it, but i don't want the move to happen when the new baby is born because then she might resent him/her for taking her bedroom away from her - so it's best that we do it way before then so she doesn't connect the two. We did think about keeping Poppy where she is and converting the other bedroom into a nursery for the new baby, but since the existing nursery has been decorated so nicely and is bigger to fit in the changing table and the glider chair and all the other furniture, we feel it's best done this way. And also that means that Poppy can be involved in picking out the paint or wallpaper for her walls and seeing her new bedroom be decorated all nice for her. i hope she'll be OK with it!
We've also decided to increase Poppy's time at nursery school to 5 days a week once the new baby is born to give me chance to spend time just with the new little one. Poppy already goes to nursery 2 1/2 days a week and absolutely loves it so i don't see this being a problem, i'm just a bit sad that she will have to give up her clubs like the mothers and toddlers group, the music club and the toddler rhyme time in the library, because she really does enjoy those. But perhaps a better solution will work itself out nearer the time. Sir and i have also agreed that i will return to work part-time when the new baby is about 1 year old, just like i did with Poppy because that worked out really well. And in the meantime we'll survive on Sir's wages, my maternity pay and our savings, which should be enough. My mum and sister have already said that they're happy to help out with looking after both children whenever we need them, and they've been so great with taking Poppy off our hands, so i know me and Sir will still get alone time.
The only thing that's really bothering me is whether the post-natal depression will return after the birth of the new baby. That really affected me last time, and looking back on it now it seems like i missed some important time with Poppy because of it and wasn't able to fully enjoy those first precious months with her like i should have done. But seeing as we know the signs this time around, i think we should be able to get me some help to nip it in the bud, and my counsellor said there's no reason it should return as it was linked to not grieving properly for Joshua and i've done that now. So i'm hopeful everything will be OK this time around.
The other thing that Sir mentioned is having the loft converted into two bedrooms and a bathroom, so that as we expand our family (we plan to have 4 children in the end) the older ones can move up there. That scares me a little as it's a big project to take on and i don't really like having workmen in the house cos of all the disruption and intrusion and noise and mess, but when i think about it i realise it would give us a lot more space. So we'll see what Sir decides. In the meantime i'm going to dream of tiny fingers and toes, soft fuzzy new baby hair, that special smell that new little ones have, and days spent rocking and singing and snuggling my new little bundle of joy :) -
101 list - so far
Posted: December 12th, 2009, 4:29am CET by libby
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So as promised, here's an update on the '101' list, which for those who don't know is a list i compiled of 101 things i wanted to achieve in 1001 days - it's in the sidebar to view if you want to! Recently i have been able to cross a few more items off the list, namely:
#1. learn how to make a pavlova properly - recently i did some Christmas baking, not as much as i would have liked to, and nowhere near as much as some other bloggers seem to do, but i did manage to make some cookies, some mini chocolate yule logs, some fudge, and a huge mixed-berry pavlova. The recipe i found seemed a bit vague, like it assumed that the reader already knew what they were doing (which i definitely didn't!) so i phoned up my mum and she gave me some great tips and it came out absolutely beautiful :) i also made some mini meringue nests as well which can be filled with whipped cream and fruit as and when needed. Oh, and i discovered that Poppy absolutely loves meringue - guess she's inherited my sweet tooth!
#13. try out a new hairstyle - i needed to take Poppy for her first haircut the other week as it was getting too long and in her eyes, so i asked Sir if i could get mine cut at the same time, which He agreed to, and then i plucked up courage to ask Him if i could please try out a bit of a different style. Sir loves long hair, especially thick and wavy like mine, but i really wanted some of the weight taken out of it to make it more manageable, and Sir agreed to this so long as He could choose the style and send me in with a photo for the hairstylist. So in i marched with a photo torn from a magazine, not something i would have chosen for myself, but something which i thought looked pretty, and it came out really really well. Some 'graduated layers' have been put in around the front and some of the weight taken out of the back, plus a few inches taken off the ends, so it feels much lighter and it also shows more of my face off which Sir really likes. It's pretty and feminine but still grown up, so i'm happy with it too :)
#45. plan for our next baby - Sir and i sat down and had a long chat about this recently, i'll write a post on it later!
#68. mentor another sub - the mentoring by email seems to be going well so far, though we're taking it slow - she's asked me a few questions which i've replied to, giving her some advice and suggestions, and she said that she's found my ideas useful and will try them out, so i think i can now safely sign this one off as being completed, even if the mentoring doesn't last all that long for whatever reason, at least i've tried it out. -
No matter what?
Posted: December 6th, 2009, 4:01am CET by libby
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First you really should go and check out the post which initially sparked this musing in my mind, over at Chloe's blog (which in itself was a response to something read on doubleknot's blog) -oh, and be sure to read all the comments too because there's an interesting range of perspectives there.... and then come back here to read my view, please?!
So, for anyone who didn't want to go wade through all the discussions, basically doubleknot did something which got her punished by her Dom and He made a comment to her that she would never be released by Him because of her actions, but instead would be molded and shaped and corrected so that she once again becomes the slave He requires. To which Chloe posted that she wishes she had the 'no matter what' clause in her M/s relationship, but she finds it difficult to even believe that that type of relationship is possible in the real world. All of which got me thinking hard about 3 main questions: Do i believe that 'no matter what' relationships are possible in M/s? Do Sir and i have a 'no matter what' relationship? How would/does that change things for me? (Answers below :) )
~ do i believe that 'no matter what' relationships are possible in M/s?having thought hard about this question my answer has to be 'yes'. i think in the vanilla world, some people go into marriage with a 'no matter what' attitude, whilst others go in with a list of deal-breakers in their minds (things which would automatically end the relationship if the other person did them). Normally those deal-breakers would be things like having an affair, displaying violence, those kinds of things, and on the one hand i understand why those things would be deal-breakers to many people but i also see how others feel their love is so strong that they could find a way to forgive their partner for doing those things. But to me a M/s dynamic goes so much deeper than a vanilla marriage (not saying that it's better, just on a different level), so that the Dom is able to correct and discipline and punish the sub for minor transgressions meaning it is unlikely that the relationship will ever reach the point where a deal-breaker occurs (or what would be a deal-breaker for other relationships). And also even if that situation did happen, the Dom has much more control over leading the sub back onto the right path, that i think it is more likely that M/s relationships would survive them over vanilla ones. i know lots of people will be sitting there thinking 'but what if the slave did this?or this?', but to me those arguments are akin to the 'but if you give up all control and agree to obey Him no matter what... what if He tells you to jump off a cliff?' - they're nonsensical to me in a committed M/s relationship because the two people know each other so well going into it that they know the other person just would never do that. So, basic answer: while i know that M/s relationships falter and fail and break down, i do believe it is possible to have a 'no matter what' clause and stick to it, and i believe this is more likely to work in M/s than in a vanilla marriage.
~ do Sir and i have a 'no matter what' relationship?i had to go and ask Sir about this one because it's not something that's ever come up before. We've never actually sat down and discussed which things would automatically lead to me being released (if any) or whether Sir would stick by me no matter what i did (that sounds wrong, almost like i can do anything i want and get away with it, but trust me the consequences for breaking the rules are bad enough, there's no way i would want to face the punishment for a bigger transgression). So we had a 'free talk time' about it and the upshot is that yes, mine and Sir's relationship is a 'no matter what' one - Sir said that He wouldn't have been able to make that decision in the beginning, but having seen the depth of my commitment and loyalty to Him since i was collared 3 years ago He is able to confidently add the 'no matter what' clause (and says He would have been able to for quite some time now). So no matter what i do, Sir will stand by me and try His hardest to bring me back onto the right path again and remold me into His desired slave. And He says He would keep on trying until either He was successful or i chose to end it and walked away - apparently that's the only thing that would break the clause now, me deciding not to be a slave anymore and leaving, and even then He would do everything He could to bring me back (not that i see that ever happening, anymore than Sir does, which He says is part of the reason He is able to commit to the 'no matter what' clause, because He can be fairly confident it will never come into play anyway. But He will stick by His promises, if it does).
~ how does that change things for me?in a way it changes nothing, because Sir and i are still the same, our relationship and roles are still the same, etc. But in another way it changes a lot of things personally for me - it makes me feel even more confident in our relationship than before, it brings it home to me once again just how lucky i am to be owned by Sir and to be in the situation that i am, it reminds me of Sir's resolute commitment to and faith in me and makes me want to repay those in every way that i can, and ultimately it gives me a deep sense of peace that if in the future something happened to make me go off the rails Sir would be there to guide me back onto them again. Outwardly, nothing has changed, but inwardly i become even more devoted, loyal and grateful to my Sir, and soooooooo determined that the 'no matter what' clause will never ever have to be used even though it's there!
**Btw, i know some people will be annoyed by my opinions, and reading this post back i come off as a bit naive and a bit arrogant and a bit condescending in some parts, but i honestly don't mean to, and i think it's more important that i record my true opinions here rather than try to keep everyone sweet. But please feel free to leave comments, and i will reply to them :) -
a Poppy funny
Posted: November 29th, 2009, 3:33pm CET by libby
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i just had to share what Poppy did today, because it's one of those classic moments when you're bringing up children which you just couldn't make up if you tried......We took her to our nursery Christmas fayre, and we all had a great time - there was Father Christmas arriving in a white carriage pulled by two beautiful white horses, which we had a ride in, two very sweet reindeer which Poppy had her photo taken with but insisted on calling 'nay' (her word for horse), roasted chestnuts, Santa's grotto (and Poppy only got a little bit scared of Santa this year instead of shrieking at him like a banshee like last year!), tombolas and raffles and games and craft stalls and decorate your own biscuits and cake stalls and minced pies and mulled wines, etc, etc. Poppy loved it all, but she absolutely fell in love with these animals puppets which 'sing' when you open and close their mouths, so we bought her a frog one which ribbits 'twinkle twinkle little star'.
She was thrilled with it and happily toddled off round the rest of the fayre, clutching her new toy. All well and good, until she decided to announce her new possession to everyone with a very loud and very proud "fuck!" repeated over and over again. Seems she can't quite pronounce 'frog' properly but was blissfully unaware of the fact. So we drew quite a few raised eyebrows from other people at the fayre, and there were lots of people there! Luckily Poppy was also waving her frog around as she made her announcement, so hopefully people understood what she was trying to say. Looks like we're going to have to work on her pronounciation of 'frog' huh? -
more q & a
Posted: November 26th, 2009, 2:57pm CET by libby
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i asked for readers to leave questions at the end of my last post and 3 of you did, which i'm really pleased about, so i'm going to answer those questions here:
~ what limits would you like to get rid of?the children and animals ones i never want to get rid of because those are just WRONG to me, and to Sir as well because He has already told me He would never touch those. i'm also very very wary of trying to work on the breathplay one because it scares me so much and also it can be very dangerous, and the scat one i just don't want to work on because it is so disgusting. The face-slapping and spitting ones i also very much doubt i can get rid of because of incidents in the past which bring back very bad feelings and memories for me. So that really leaves the blood one, the needles one, the extreme pain one, and the single-tail whips one - all of which frighten me to think about, but all of which i think i could work on with Sir's help and at least lessen as limits even if i can't entirely get rid of them. The one limit i most want to get rid of is the single-tail whips one, because i know how much Sir enjoys playing in this way, and it just seems such a nonsensical limit to have as i don't even know why it causes me to have such a bad reaction. So i really hope Sir can help me work through this limit at least.
~ how does the dynamic work with a baby in the house?with adaptations! But having said that, we are very lucky that Poppy is such a contented little girl and basically got herself into a routine soon after being born, so that we could fit our lifestyle round her. Sir made amendments to the rules so that our dynamic is played out in more subtle ways when she is around, so for example i no longer kneel next to Sir's chair or ask permission to start eating a meal, i wait for a little nod from Sir to start eating, things like that. And i call Him 'Daddy' in front of Poppy and Sir in private. And i wear my necklace 'collar' round the house rather than my more traditional one. But really all those changes are fairly minor, and the basic dynamic is very much there still. i am still expected to 'ask' permission to do things when Poppy is around but it's done in a more roundabout way, eg: "i'm just going to the kitchen to start dinner, would you like anything?" rather than "Sir, please may i have permission to go to the kitchen to start dinner?".
~ how comes you like orgasm control but only tolerate orgasm denial?i think this comes from my interpretation of those terms - Sir never puts me on orgasm denial for a long period of time, like telling me i can't cum for the next 3 months, which is what i was saying i would only be able to 'tolerate' in my BDSM checklist. Orgasm control is more like what Sir practices because i am only allowed to cum when He gives me permission, i am no longer allowed to even ask to cum but i must wait until told to, and sometimes Sir will not grant me release and i have to go needy (but never for very long!) - that's the type that i like :)
~ how do you figure the line betwen extreme pain and normal pain, and can He tell the difference?i think that's a very tricky question because i wouldn't be able to describe the difference, or even give a list of activities that are OK pain and those that are too much. Some of it depends on me anyway because what i can tolerate one day i wouldn't be able to withstand the next, and some of it depends on how hard Sir is spanking/flogging/ whatever in that particular scene. But i know that Sir can read me very well, and He knows how hard He can push me so i tend to just go with it and leave it to His judgement. Of course in the middle of a scene i often get to the point where i think 'no more, i can't take anymore, please stop' but Sir carries on, and later i realise He was right to because i could take more even when i thought i couldn't. i have never safeworded because the pain has been too much, so i think that shows that Sir has got the balance right.
~ are you punished very often and what is a punishment like?no, very rarely do i get punished and it has been a long long time since the last one (it has been almost 2 years since the last one, which is amazing!). i think the reason for that is that i absolutely hate punishments and will try very hard to avoid them, and also that Sir tends to give me warnings and discipline first if He can before it reaches a punishment situation, and also that i know my rules better now and tend to automatically follow them so the chance of me straying so far outside them that a punishment is needed is quite slim nowadays. Examples of punishments i have received in the past are having my bottom snapped repeatedly with an elastic band, having my titties caned, being used as a washing line, being dressed up as a cat (but you would have to know the details of the infractions to understand how these punishments all fitted the crime).
~ do you two have scenes planned in advance or just when the mood strikes?now that we have Poppy we have to plan our 'play' time carefully (for example, Sunday mornings when she is at my sister's, or sometimes of an evening if someone else is looking after her, and very occasionally when she has gone to bed, but those tend to be less intense scenes). So yes we have cut down on the amount of scening we do since having Poppy, but Sir makes sure that the play time we do get is used to the maximum.
~ how were your rules created?
Sir has created all 3 versions of my rules, using some He adapted from lists online and some He devised to be personal to my needs. i have no say in what my rules are, but have to follow them absolutely, though i guess if i had a really big problem with a rule i could ask to discuss it with Him. Sir knows me so well though that He tailors the rules to fit my needs as well as His, so there has never really been an issue with them (even the ones i don't like so much!)
Thanks for all the questions, please feel free to ask more! -
Q & A
Posted: November 22nd, 2009, 6:11am CET by libby
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Stole these questions from Roles Defining Rules (here), because i think they're really interesting:
1. who are you and what do you identify as?
i am libby, 30 years old, and i identify as a mother and a slave - both real-life, live-in, full-time ;)
2. where did you get your name?
ummmm i go by my first name 'libby' both here and on the chatrooms i visit, which is what everyone calls me in real-life too as i hate my full name of 'Elizabeth' (i always thought it was too posh and formal for me). But Sir tends to call me 'little one', 'pet' or other such names which i really like.
3. what drew you to M/s?
i was really drawn to BDSM/ submission, and in the beginning i was adamant i could never be a slave or be in a M/s relationship because they were both too intense for me. But gradually i came to realise that i was a slave and i was already in a M/s relationship with Sir, it was just different in reality to how i imagined it would be. So in a way i guess the need to be dominated, controlled, given orders, the need to please and serve and obey, drew me eventually to M/s.
4. do you hope to gain anything as a person from M/s?
yes, i hope to gain happiness and contentment and satisfaction and fulfillment from being in a M/s relationship, because this is what i feel i was meant to be. Also i think that being a slave helps to develop my character and personality because i am able to be who i really am, and feel confident enough in Sir's abilities to let Him push me to do things i would never be able to do without Him and that has really helped me grow as a person.
5. what do you hope to gain in your relationship from M/s?
i hope to gain a deeper connection, more trust and respect and honesty and openess, and ultimately love and adoration, because of the bonds which necessarily develop between a Master and His slave. And i think we've got that because i can truly say that this is the closest relationsip i have ever been in in my life.
6. what for you is the hardest part of your chosen role?
although i am getting much better at this now, in the past i have struggled with not being able to serve Sir as often or as deeply as i would like to sometimes, due to other pressures on my time such as looking after Poppy, etc. And the other thing i find hard is submitting when i'm having a bad day and just don't feel like getting out of bed to make Sir a hot chocolate at 10:30pm, or having to wait naked by the side of the bed after my shower until He says i can get dressed, or not being able to just go to the fridge and get myself a snack whenever i feel like it (i'm not even allowed to ask for a snack between meals). But most days those problems don't occur.
7. do you foresee this being a part of your life forever, or do you think it will eventually fade away?
this is a tricky question and one i often think about. In a way it's hard for me to imagine being in my 70s or 80s and still being a slave to Sir, but i guess that we would tone down some of the physical stuff and i would still submit mentally and emotionally to Him. Also i think that by the time we get to that stage, we will just naturally act as Master and slave because that's the way we will have been living together for so long, so to let it fade away would just seem wrong. And another part of me realises that once our children have grown up and left home (wayyyy in the future) that will give me and Sir a second lease of life in our dynamic and we could well go back to the intensity that we had before Poppy came along with regards to the rules and overt displays of submission when we are at home. So overall i tend to think that this will be part of my life forever now.
8. what's your favourite rule?
ooooh good question. i like this one:
#4. when i am not in the presence of my Master and i have choices to make, i will decide them to the best of my abilities and within the boundaries and guidance He has established for me. i will try hard to balance to needs of my children with those of my Master. i will find ways to maintain our dynamic without affecting the upbringing of our children, under His guidance.
i like that one because it gives me the reassurance that i can make decisions without consulting Sir, so long as i remember my rules and try to do what i think Sir would want me to. And also it reminds me that Sir cares very much about our children and does not want our relationship to be detrimental in any way to their upbringing, so if i get into a situation where i am not sure whether to meet the needs of my children or of Sir, i can confidently go with the children's needs and explain it to Sir later and He will not be cross with me.
i also think these rules are important:
#53. i am allowed to remain in contact with my family, friends and colleagues, through phone calls, emails, letters, having them visit, visiting them and going out with them.....
#55. i am allowed access to my laptop, the internet and #bondage chatrooms......
because it stops me being cut off from other people who are important to me, and it keeps me healthy and happy as a person and therefore better able to serve Sir. Also it reassured me in the early stages that Sir wasn't some kind of abusive predator seeking to cut me off from all forms of outside support apart from Him.
And this rule is also important to me:
#59. in decisions involving the children and their upbringing, i have an equal say with my Master. This is the only area in which i am afforded an equal voice, all other aspects of my life remain under His control.
for 2 reasons - firstly because it would be very difficult for me to be a good mother if i wasn't able to follow my own instincts in bringing up and caring for my children, and secondly because i need to still be a slave even though i am a mummy, and having it stated in my rules that raising our children is the one and only area i get an equal say is actually very comforting to me and reminds me that mine and Sir's basic dynamic has not changed.
9. what is more important in a M/s relationship: love, respect or compatibility? Why?
not love, because even though Sir and i love each other i don't think it's necessary to have a good M/s relationship. Respect is very important though, but i know some people would argue that a Master does not need to respect a slave even though the slave should respect the Master - that's not my opinion though and i feel that two-way respect is very important to maintain the trust between the two people. Compatibility definitely helps, though again i think it would be possible for two very different and seemingly uncompatible people to have a successful M/s relationship by sticking closely to the rules. So of the three, i would say respect is the most important.
10. how do you feel about limits in your current relationship? What do you have?
it is important for me that i am allowed limits, and that Sir will respect them, but i wish that i didn't have so many, and i hope that maybe Sir will be able to help me get rid of some of them like He has in the past. At the moment my limits are: children, animals, scat, blood, needles, breathplay, extreme pain, face slapping, spitting, single-tail whips.
i hope you found these answers interesting, and if anyone has any other questions they want me to answer please leave a comment. Or please feel free to answer these questions yourself and leave me the link :) -
Headspace
Posted: November 22nd, 2009, 5:52am CET by libby
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Recently i've found myself in a really good headspace. Ignoring the swine flu week, which left me feeling down and low and lonely, i've been feeling like i've got my life in balance and am doing my best in all aspects of my life at the moment - as a slave, as a wife, as a mother, as a nursery nurse, as a friend. Of course, i could always do with more time - to serve Sir, to play with Poppy, to keep on top of the housework, to spend with flame, to visit my family, to work on my training, to prepare activities for the children at work - but i feel that i am doing my best with the time i've got and am managing to keep on top of all aspects of my life without neglecting any area.
i also feel like i'm in a good place mentally with my slavery at the moment - i'm feeling confident and comfortable with knowing where i am and what's expected of me, and i'm able to use all the little gestures of submission which have been incorporated into my daily life to keep me going until we can play or scene or train together at the weekend when someone else looks after Poppy for a little while. Recently in the evenings, after Poppy is safely tucked up in bed, Sir has been using the time to chat to me about aspects of my submission and training, and where He wants to take me from here. And that's been making me feel contented as a slave and excited about the future. And of course, i've been preparing mentally for my hopefully upcoming pregnancy and how having a new baby will change things. But having gone through it once with Poppy i'm confident that we can adapt things again to incorporate the new lil one whilst still maintaining the dynamic between us.
It's been such a long time since Sir had to punish me for a mistake, or even discipline me to keep me on the right track, so that makes me happy too - that i'm better able to keep within the rules and boundaries by myself without needing reminders from Sir. And Sir is always telling me how happy He is with me and the effort i'm putting in, and now that i'm well over the pnd, life just feels good at the moment and i'm in a good place. Let's hope it continues that way! -
What's important
Posted: November 15th, 2009, 5:16am CET by libby
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Being ill with the swine flu this week has really brought home to me what is important in my life - Sir and flame, but most of all Poppy. On the doctor's advice, i wasn't allowed to be in the same room as her all week, and definitely no cuddles or kisses because she wasn't supposed to get nearer than 3 metres while i was ill. So the most i could do was wave to her in the doorway when Sir brought her in to say 'goodnight' to me, and i found it very very upsetting.
Yesterday because i was feeling better i was allowed to spend time with Poppy again, and it was soooooo nice just to hold her and snuggle her and breathe in her sweet little girl smell, and see her beautiful little smile, listen to her happy giggles, and feel the weight of her on my lap or snuggling against me, and it was just great. i spent ages just watching her play, and singing songs with her, and she was obviously happy to spend time with me too, so we were both happy girlies.
And it's also made me realise how much i'm looking forward to having another baby, to holding a new little one and getting to know him/her, to smelling that unique new baby smell, and watching as he/she grows and plays with Poppy and they become great friends and siblings. So i'm really excited about getting pregnant again, and all that that entails, but for this weekend i'm just going to concentrate on enjoying Sir and Poppy and being grateful for the family i've got :) -
Good news
Posted: November 15th, 2009, 5:00am CET by libby
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So i spent a week recovering from the swine flu, and it was a pretty miserable week - i spent most of it in bed or laying on the sofa feeling rotten and not wanting to eat anything, having no energy at all, and not allowed to get too close to Poppy incase i infected her. But Sir has been looking after me real good, and my mum has helped out with Poppy all week, and different people have been spending time with me to make sure i didn't get lonely while Sir was at work. And i've been taking the tamiflu, and drinking lots and trying to eat as much of the food i could that Sir has been bringing me.
And the good news is, i am now almost completely better! Since Thursday i have been feeling much more like my old self, and each day i have been feeling stronger and healthier, my appetite has returned and now i'm at the point where i've only got a bit of a cough and nothing else. So i've stopped taking the tamiflu, and am allowed to cuddle Poppy and play with her again, which just feels so great because i missed her so much. And later on Sir says we can go out for a little walk all together, which will be fun because i've not really been out of the house all week. i'm planning on going back to work on Wednesday, so long as i feel well enough. So everything is getting back to normal for me, and i'd like to say a big 'thank-you' for everyone's good wishes while i was poorly. And i hope that if anyone else has got swine flu they get well soon :)
libby
xxxx -
oh noooooooo!
Posted: November 8th, 2009, 5:08am CET by libby
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i've been diagnosed with swine flu :( Yesterday i woke up feeling really rubbish and it continued throughout the day - shivery cold but with moments of becoming really hot and sweating, sore throat with a cough, headache, aching all over, no appetite at all and very very tired. i actually slept most of the day, then in the evening Sir made me go on the swime flu website and we took the online questionnaire thingy and i had all the symptoms except for a temperature (though i did have a fever), so the website said it was 'very likely' that i had swine flu, which Sir got confirmed when He phoned the out-of-hours doctor straight after. i've been given a number for Sir to take to the nearest antiviral collection point on Monday and then i will start taking Tamiflu to try to reduce some of the symptoms. i'm actually feeling a little bit better today than yesterday, not quite so tired at least which is good, but i'm prolly going to be out of action for this week at least :(
i just hope that Poppy doesn't get it - Sir is going to look after her until i am better, and my mum has agreed to have her during the day when she's not at nursery. It's just hard not kissing her or getting too close to her incase i pass it on :(
Poor libs. -
Happy Halloween
Posted: October 31st, 2009, 6:29am CET by libby
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Happy Halloween everyone! i'm writing this in halloween colours, so hope nobody complains that they can't read it very well! So far, our halloween season has been great this year, for some reason it's even better when you have kiddies to enjoy it with - though i've always had the children at work to make hats and masks and cards with, and decorate the room with, and play halloween party games, it's different now that Poppy can properly enjoy it even though she still doesn't really understand what it's all about. And i'm sooooo looking forward to Christmas this year now that i've seen how much enjoyment she gets out of all the special celebrations and decorations and stuff :)
Anyway, back to Halloween - on Thursday we had a party at our house, to which we invited loads of people, mainly other babies and toddler friends of Poppy's and their families who we have gotten to know through the different clubs we go to or from nursery, but also some of the neighbours who live in our village, and everyone had to come wearing black. We decorated the house really good, but kept it quite simple too with hanging bats and coloured streamers, spider webs everywhere, window stickers and lots of carved pumpkins, and we lit lanterns all the way along the driveway and hung these special balloons i found with lights inside them in the garden, which looked absolutely wicked in the dark. We had lots of fun and games for all the kiddies to join in with, including apple bobbing, a pumpkin pinata, a spooky pass the parcel, feely trays full of goopy slimy things, a spooky story ('room on the broom' which Poppy absolutely loves), and a treasure hunt with torches in the back garden looking for special halloween chocolate coins! Then we had food and drink, which Poppy had 'helped' me prepare - spooky shaped sandwiches and biscuits, spider web cakes, jelly with sweetie worms in, monster feet crisps, and a special green punch drink with plastic spiders floating in it! Everyone had a great time, and all the kiddies got to take a balloon and a party bag home. Poppy had such fun, and she was so well behaved all evening. Oh, and her eating fussiness is now over because she scoffed herself at the party and has been eating well ever since (even vegetables which she seemed to totally go off for a while) - so maybe that's the answer next time she stops eating!
We've already had quite a few trick-or-treaters round the past few nights, and we're expecting more tonight. Poppy helps to answer the door if she is still up and she loves giving out the sweeties into their bowls and buckets, and occasionally sneaking one for herself. Later today we're going to another halloween party held at Victoria and Ella's house (which Poppy is going to dressed in the most adorable halloween fairy outfit - with an orange pumpkin dress, wings and a wand). And the halloween will be over for another year, but soon it will be bonfire night, and then getting ready for Christmas! Wow i'm so excited, i'm like a little kid all over again :) Oh, and also i get to cross #83 off my 101 list - yayyyy! -
More thoughts on pissiness
Posted: October 25th, 2009, 12:12pm CET by libby
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i realised when i read the last post back that it might seem a bit weird that i was pissy all day yesterday, and yet it was only when i went into the bondage chatroom and spent time with someone who i don't really know that well, that i managed to finally chill out. Some people might be wondering why i wasn't able to chill out with Sir's help earlier in the day, and i wanted to make sure that people know it's nothing to do with Sir, it isn't that He doesn't care or doesn't try to help me when i am feeling pissy, but we have both learnt from experience that if anything it only makes it worse because then i get to feeling that i have failed as His slave, that He shouldn't be spending His time trying to cheer me up, that i should be trying to make Him happy not the other way round, and then my mood normally gets even worse.
Sir has explained to me lots of times that He wants to try to cheer me up, that it's His choice to do so and part of His responsibility to me as my Master, but for some reason my mind just can't accept this, so we've both come to realise that it's better for both of us if Sir can leave me alone as much as possible when i get into these moods, and let me serve Him as much as i can so that i feel like i am still 'doing what i should' as His slave. i'm just a bit weird like that i guess. -
Something i've discovered...
Posted: October 25th, 2009, 10:51am CET by libby
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... i can't submit properly to a Domme when i'm feeling even a little bit pissy. Yesterday i was feeling pissy on and off throughout the day, and even though Sir kept asking me i had no reason why and couldn't figure out what was making me feel that way. By the end of the evening i was feeling much more relaxed, mainly due to the attentions of a nice Dom in channel who snuggled with me and made me feel better. But when i woke up this morning the pissiness came gradually creeping back in, so i asked Sir if maybe we could cancel the session with Ma'am today. However Sir refused to cancel it for that reason, so i had to go ahead with it.
i'd managed to calm myself down somewhat by the time She arrived, but as soon as She started telling me what to do i found the pissiness coming back and although i complied with everything She asked of me (though i did think of not doing some of the things She wanted), in my mind i was arguing against everything She said and being very grumpy. And of course that showed on my face, and She told me several times to 'lose the attitude', which just made it worse. So i didn't do very well with the things we have been working on for weeks now, and there was no progress made today, but at least i managed to get through it without being rude to Her, and hopefully next week i will feel more submissive and ready to comply demurely and obediently.
Sometimes of course i feel pissy when Sir scenes with me or asks me to do something, but i find it much easier to push my feelings aside and concentrate on serving Him in the manner i should do. i think it's because i am more naturally submissive towards Men and have such a strong relationship with Sir, whereas i feel myself having to push for and find my submission with Women and i don't have a very strong relationship with Ma'am yet - this is just something i am doing as part of my training because Sir wants me to.
So i think i did well to get through it, and actually now i feel more like my usual self again, so hopefully the pissy phase has gone.
